Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Private Parts

One summer day, I had quite a bit of action around my "private parts." Let's keep our minds out of the gutter for just a few moments. For starters, I drove to work as usual and was quite relieved that there was no congestion on the highway and by-ways. Pulling into my favorite space on the surface parking lot, I donned my ID badge, retrieved an empty box that I had "borrowed" along with my iced coffee and newspaper. My hands were full.

Walking across the crowded parking lot and busy street, I finally found myself walking into my office building. I greeted the security officer and met my co-worker, Stella Davidson, in front of the elevators. Since my office building is heavily secured, each employee is required to wear their ID badges at all times, and it is also used to grant elevator access to the upper floors. Stella used one hand to rummage through her over-sized handbag.

"Darn it! I left my ID badge in the car," she stated.
"Use mine," I offered, still holding an empty box, newspaper and iced coffee.
Stella reached for my badge that was hanging from my belt loop and accidentally hit my "private parts."  "Oops, excuse me," Stella stated, as she swiped us to our designated floor.

Later that same day, I decided to have lunch at a Mexican restaurant. It is small and crowded. Customers were seated at small tables and a line stretched from the cash register to the front door with a few people lingering outdoors. After a few minutes, the cook had called my number to let me know that my lunch order was ready. Moving through a maze of people to reach the counter, a woman who was short in stature was using excessive hand gestures while dramatizing a story to her lunch companions. As I moved past the diminutive woman, she hit me in my "private parts" with one of her hand gestures.

"Ouch," I mumbled.
"Excuse me, sir! I am so sorry," the short woman stated.
"Ummm...that's okay. I hope you didn't hurt your hand when you hit me "down there," I offered with a broad smile.

Until next time, keep praising His name!
Sir Charles

Soft cover and ebooks of my novels In The Black, Behind Every Dark Cloud – Second Edition and Preacher Man are available at
https://www.xlibris.com

Charles Carroll Lee

"I enjoy your blog postings so much, that I have linked it to my blog at http://www.thesavannahjpublications.com/" ~ Savannah J., Author

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

How To Start A Fight



A good friend sent me the following quips. I am not sure of the origin, but I thought they were funny and certainly worth sharing.

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
________________________________
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, ‘Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
_______________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
______________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 165 in about 2 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale. And then the fight started......
______________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........
________________________________
I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started.

Until next time...Keep praising His Name!
Sir Charles

Soft cover and ebooks of my novels In The Black, Behind Every Dark Cloud – Second Edition and Preacher Man are available at www.xlibris.com Charles Carroll Lee

I enjoy your blog postings so much, that I have linked it to my blog at http://www.thesavannahjpublications.com/ ~ Savannah J., Author