Friday, May 31, 2013

A Fortunate Accident

"Whatever you do - don't look at Papa," Anna announced to her younger brother, Rudy. Anna began to savor her hot dog on bun at her grandparent's Memorial Day cookout.
"Why not?" asked Rudy, taking a seat next to his teenage sister.
"Because, he's asking everyone to fix him a plate. And he fell out of his raggedy lawn chair a few minutes ago. I don't know why Papa keeps sitting on it," Anna replied.
"Oh," Rudy stated as he studied his grandparents, Samantha and Roger Brewer, across the lawn.

Roger sauntered toward his wife standing by a picnic table, and asked, "Isn't this a nice cookout? The kids and grandkids are here, and my brother and sister-in-law."
While arranging condiments and buns on the table, Samantha, replied, "Well, it would've been nice to have known ahead of time that we were having a cookout."
"I told you that we were having a cookout..."
Interrupting her husband of thirty years statement, Samantha replied, "Yes, you did...while we were in the grocery store..two hours ago, Roger."
"Didn't I pay for all this food and invited everybody?" he asked.
"Yes, you did. All of this cheap ass food for fifty bucks. And you invited everyone while we were shopping in the grocery store. Go figure."
"Don't be mad. What can I do to help?" asked Roger.
"Oh, just go somewhere and sit down. And please stopping asking folks to fix you a plate. There's nothing wrong with you."
In a huff, Roger left Samantha at the picnic table and asked his family and friends, "Who's gonna fix me a plate?"

Since Roger did not receive any offers, he walked toward another table near the gas grill, and piled his plate with two hot dogs, a hamburger, and two scoops of potato salad along with a generous serving of baked beans. Roger made small talk with his children, grandchildren and invited guests en route to his favorite lawn chair. Samantha had asked Roger repeatedly to replace the worn and ugly lawn chair, but Roger wanted to keep it.

Once he had arrived at his chair, Roger announced to the crowd, "See, I can fix my own plate, and put as much food as I want on it - since no one would fix it for me. I paid for this cookout, and I couldn't get one person to just fix me a plate - not even my grandkids."

After Roger had made his speech, he sat on his lawn chair that he sometimes calls his throne and began to eat his meal. Within seconds, the chair collapsed beneath Roger as he began to fall to the lush, green lawn. The hot dogs reminded the guests of two batons twirling in mid-air, and the hamburger resembled a discus being hurled by an Olympian. The baked beans and potato salad rained on top of Roger as he lay on his freshly mowed lawn.

His family and friends tried to contain their laughter as Samantha mumbled, "What a fortunate accident."

Until next week, keep praising HIS name!
Sir Charles

When I read your stories, it is truly like a box of cherries, I NEVER know WHAT I'm gonna get." ~ a regular blog reader


In The Black

Preacher Man

and

Behind Every Dark Cloud - The Critically Acclaimed Novel - The Second Edition

Available at www.xlibris.com www.amazon.com www.barnesandnoble.com - Charles Carroll Lee. Soft cover and ebook.

Thursday, May 16, 2013

Swish and Swallow

"I went to the dentist, today," Florena Braxton announced into the telephone.
"Oh yeah?" I asked, waiting for more information. I enjoy my weekly call with my childhood friend. Instinctively, I knew that this conversation would become quite interesting.
"Yes, I have some issues going on in my mouth," replied Florena.
Taking a sip of bourbon, I asked, "Like what?"
"Well, I have a little fungus on my gums."
I replied, "Ewwwwwww! Gross, Florena." With a devilish grin, I then asked, "What have you been 'sucking' on to get a fungus?"
"Nothing. I haven't done 'that' in over a year - Charles C."
After I had released a hearty laugh, I asked, "Really? What does the dentist want you to do about your fungus?"
"He gave me a prescription for some mouthwash. I have to swish it around in my mouth. I told the dentist that it's been a while since I 'swished' something around in my mouth," replied Florena. She appeared to be laughing on the other end of the phone. Florena continued, "Thanks again for pushing my car out of the mud last Friday night."
"You're welcome. I got my nice pair of jeans muddy for you," I announced.
"Ohhhh, I appreciate that. You're such a good friend," offered Florena.
"Whatever. Now, let's get back to the good stuff. When is your follow-up?" I asked.
"It will happen after I have finished using the mouthwash. The dentist said that I should not swallow the mouthwash, either."
I chuckled at Florena's last statement, and asked, "So, you don't 'swallow'?"
"You are so nasty. You know, I told the dentist that I haven't 'swallowed' anything in a very long time. He and his assistant almost died laughing. Yes, I used to 'swish and swallow' - back in the day. And furthermore, I hope that I don't find my trip to the dentist as one of your blog posts, either."

Until next week, keep praising HIS name!
Sir Charles

"When I read your stories, it is truly like a box of cherries, I NEVER know WHAT I'm gonna get." ~ a regular blog reader
In The Black
 





In The Black

Preacher Man

and

Behind Every Dark Cloud - The Critically Acclaimed Novel - The Second Edition

Available at www.xlibris.com www.amazon.com www.barnesandnoble.com - Charles Carroll Lee. Soft cover and ebook.

Thursday, May 9, 2013

Aren't You Jerry Thompson? (In Jesus' Name)




Dylan McQueen had dropped his son, Michael or 'Buddy' as he affectionately known, off for his swimming lesson at the YMCA. His wife, Janelle, decided to treat herself to a day at the spa. So, Dylan decided to use his free time to visit his uncle in the hospital. He arrived at the large hospital immediately after breakfast was served. Dylan found his way to Jerry Thompson's room and gently tapped on the door. Jerry appeared excited to see his sister's son.

"Come on in! I'll be out of here in two days! How's my nephew?" Jerry announced in a cheery, upbeat tone.
Taking a seat near his uncle, Dylan replied, "I'm good, Uncle. I wish you were."
"Ohhhh, don't worry about me. I'm going to be just fine. The doctor and nurses are doing a good job," Jerry stated. "How are Janelle and Michael?"
"They are good, too. I think Janelle's niece is going to move in with us. Her mother is gone, and we don't know who or where her father is."
"Okay. How do you feel about that?" asked Jerry as he pulled the top sheet to his chest.
"I'm fine with it. Buddy is excited to have someone to blame stuff on."
"Ha! I bet Michael is.." Jerry started to say before he found two visitors at his hospital door.

The two female visitors were tall in stature and pleasingly plump. They both wore black wigs and black outfits. White doilies adorned their heads. Standing to greet his uncle's visitors, Dylan said, "Hi. Come on in." The two ladies hugged and kissed Dylan on the cheek. He now smelled of "eau de toilet."
"How are you doing, Jerry?" asked one of the ladies. She finally released Dylan from her bear hug.
"I'm doing just great. Hopefully, I can go home in a day or two," he replied.

The two ladies took a seat near Jerry while Dylan sat on the spacious window sill. They engaged one another in conversation for fifteen minutes. After a brief pause, Jerry had a question for one of his visitors.

"Janice, have you seen or heard from cousin Rollie?"
"Who? I'm not 'Janice'?"
"You're not?" asked Jerry as his jaw dropped to his chest in shock.
"No, I'm not," the lady, replied.
"Aren't you were my cousin, Janice McLaughlin? I haven't seen her in years. Who in the hell are you, then?" asked Jerry. Dylan giggled while sitting in the window sill.
"I am Sister Ida Mae Banks, and this is Sister Debra Irene Jones. We are from your church - the Seventh Street Baptist Church Missionary and Visitation Society. We just wanted to stop by for a visit and pray with you." Dylan knew that Jerry was a member of Fourth Baptist Church. "This is getting good," Dylan thought.
"Ohhhh...I appreciate that, but...."
Interrupting, Sister Banks asked, "Well, aren't you Jerry Thompson?"
"I sure am."
"Ohhhh....." Sister Banks muttered as her voice trailed off. She now realized that there was something unfamiliar about Jerry.
 "Don't you belong to our church?" asked Sister Jones.
"No," Jerry replied.
Sister Jones asked, "Can I use the telephone to call the church, please? We left our cell phones in the car. There must be some mistake," all while picking up the telephone that was resting on Jerry's bed.
"Sure," replied Dylan. He was dying of laughter deep inside his spirit.

Sister Jones called the church to verify the name and room number of the person they were scheduled to visit, she asked, "Are we supposed to visit Brother Jerry Thompson, and what room is he in?" After a few seconds had passed, Sister Jones exclaimed, "Fuck! Damn it! Not again! Shit! I can't believe this gaddamn mess!" She quickly ended the call.
Now, turning her attention toward Sister Ida Mae Banks, Sister Jones stated, "Well, it looks like we're on the wrong floor. We have to leave," as she headed toward the door.
Grabbing her large handbag from the floor, Sister Debra Irene Jones announced, "We done messed up, again. But, we sure hope you feel better - in Jesus' name."
"Amen," Jerry and Dylan said in unison.

Until next week, keep praising HIS name!
Sir Charles

"When I read your stories, it is truly like a box of cherries, I NEVER know WHAT I'm gonna get." ~ a regular blog reader

                        In The Black


Preacher Man

and

Behind Every Dark Cloud - The Critically Acclaimed Novel - The Second Edition



Available at www.xlibris.com www.amazon.com www.barnesandnoble.com -
Charles Carroll Lee. Soft cover and ebook.





Wednesday, May 1, 2013

You Are Still A Sophomore (Huh?)

The sixty-year old undergraduate student, Saundra Harris, had just finished her final presentation for Economics 402. She is schedule to graduate within a few short days. Saundra thought that she looked nice in her "Hillary Clinton pantsuit" and even wore her dentures for the presentation. Saundra's much younger classmates were dressed in wrinkled slacks, mini-skirts, halter tops, t-shirts, or baggy clothes for their presentations. And one of Saundra's male classmates, Tyson Braxton, even wore a tight skirt with leggings.

Seated behind Saundra, Tyson leaned in and whispered, "Do you think anyone thinks I'm gay?"
Scanning Tyson from head-to-toe over her shoulder, Saundra whispered in return, "No. I doubt it." She thought, "I hope he knows that I'm lying."

Following the presentations and some harsh fashion critiques from Doctor Patrick Adekoya, Chairman of the Economics Department; Saundra remained after class to speak with her favorite professor. She specifically wanted to know her final grade in hopes of graduating Summa Cum Laude. During their conversation, Tiffany Wells, a graduating senior flew into the partially empty classroom. She scanned the room and only saw Saundra and the professor.

Slightly out of breath, Tiffany announced, "I'm sorry, Doctor Adekoya, but I had to buy my cap and gown and mail my invitations. I'm so sorry that I missed my presentation. Can I do it right now?"
"No," Doctor Adekoya replied.
"Why? I have it right here," asked Tiffany. She turned her attention toward Saundra and said, "Hey, Ma," - which is Saundra's nickname on the medium-sized campus. Tiffany continued, "Ma, I thought you were going to run for homecoming queen last year."
Saundra replied, "Girl, I'm too old for that stuff. I'm trying to graduate - on time."
Interrupting the conversation, Doctor Adekoya stated, "Miss Wells, you have missed a very important presentation and...."
"I know. I know. I can still do it, now. My parents are coming here from their vacation in France to see me graduate."
"Miss Wells, this is the second time that you have taken this required Economics class. You got a "C" the first time. And this time - you have a "F," Doctor Adekoya stated. "I don't know why you took this class again," he added.
"Huh?"
"Did I stutter?" asked Doctor Adekoya as he turned toward his computer screen. He began to type on his keyboard. Saundra wanted to disappear into thin air.
Tiffany asked, "What are you saying?"
"I am saying that you have failed this class," Doctor Adekoya repeated.
"I can still graduate."
Studying his computer monitor, Doctor Adekoya stated, "Well, no you cannot."
"Huh?"
"You have a 1.2 grade point average and only completed 24 semester hours. You've dropped quite a few classes and have so many "I's" that have turned into "F's" - that I cannot count them all. It looks like you are still a....."
"Huh? What are you saying?" Tiffany asked in a panic.
"What I am saying is - call your parents and tell them to stay in France. You are still a sophomore and not a graduating. You may can take back your cap and gown and get your money back."

Upon hearing the news, Tiffany fell into a chair that Saundra had quietly slid behind her. Tiffany stared off into space wondering how she was going to break the news to her parents - again. She seemed to be in a catatonic state.
"Miss Harris would you like to join me in the faculty dining room for lunch? And it looks like you are graduating Summa Cum Laude,"  Doctor Adekoya announced.
"That's great news!  I sure would love to have lunch with you! But, what about Tiffany? Is she still alive?" asked Saundra.
"Yes. Let her keep staring into space. She and I went through this same thing last year when she had a 0.5 grade point average," Doctor Adekoya stated. He retrieved his briefcase and walked out of the classroom with Saundra Harris one step in front of him.

Until next week, keep praising HIS name!
Sir Charles

"When I read your stories, it is truly like a box of cherries, I NEVER know WHAT I'm gonna get." ~ a regular blog reader

                        In The Black




Preacher Man

and

Behind Every Dark Cloud - The Critically Acclaimed Novel - The Second Edition

Available at www.xlibris.com www.amazon.com www.barnesandnoble.com - Charles Carroll Lee. Soft cover and ebook.