Thursday, March 21, 2013

It's New Year's Eve

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(Setting: the early morning hours of New Year's Eve at Wal-Mart)

I had just finished lap swimming at the local fitness facility and had decided to dress for a half-day at work. Lotions and heavy creams had failed to cure my dry hands and feet. So, after donning a black pull over sweater and slacks; I drove to the nearest Wal-Mart to purchase a jar of Vaseline. I immediately became excited when noticing that the superstore was practically void of people. "I have this whole, entire place all to myself," I said aloud.

Walking toward the health and beauty section, I scoured the aisles looking for the Vaseline products. Once I found the product, I glanced at my rough, ashy hands and decided to buy the largest jar on the shelf. I took a leisurely walk to the check out aisle with the large jar in hand and thought of stopping at Starbucks for a large cup of iced coffee before traveling on the highway to work. I needed a large dose of caffeine to keep me awake after a one-mile  swim.

As I made my way to the checkout line, there were two customers placing items on the conveyor belt. Each had long permed hair with slender, delicate bodies and bluish/green eyes (I'm certain that they were wearing contact lenses). One customer placed several feminine hygiene bottles on the conveyor belt while the other pulled money from their pocket. I thought, "All of those feminine hygiene bottles. She must be kind of funky down there." After a few seconds, one of the long hair customers turned in my direction until we were face to face. Immediately, I noticed some very subtle attributes. The other customer displayed the same features. Both customers noticed my large jar of Vaseline that I was holding at chest level. They smiled at the sight of it.

Discreetly, I lowered the jar to thigh level. As I studied the bottles moving along the conveyor belt toward the cashier, I thought, "They must be on the 'receiving end.'" Then, I said, "It looks like the two of you are going to get all "cleaned up" for New Year's Eve."
In a deep, rich baritone voice, one of the customer's replied, "Yeah, we sure are."

Until next week, keep praising HIS name!

Sir Charles

"When I read your stories, it is truly like a box of cherries, I NEVER know WHAT I'm gonna get." ~ a regular blog reader


In The Black



In The Black

Preacher Man

and

Behind Every Dark Cloud - The Critically Acclaimed Novel - The Second Edition

Available at www.xlibris.com www.amazon.com www.barnesandnoble.com - Charles Carroll Lee. Soft cover and ebook.

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

He Lost His Pants (It Is Well!)

Note: The following is a story that one of my Facebook friends posted online. I am not sure how true it is, but I thought it was funny enough to share with you.  The storyteller is the Minister of Music at his church and gives his account of this hilarious worship service. However, I did use some creative license in bringing you another blog posting.

If I had not attended church today, I would have missed one of the funniest things that I have ever witnessed. During communion and accompanying the senior choir on the organ while they sung, "Let Us Break Bread Together," I watched the deacons serve the congregation dressed in black suits and white gloves. The pastor and his associates stood at the front of the sanctuary waiting for the deacons to return while the choir continued its soul-stirring rendition of the traditional hymn.

Once the deacons had served the entire congregation, they lined up two by two near the entrance of the sanctuary and began their walk down the center aisle to return their communion trays. As the spiritual leaders made their way toward the communion table, Deacon Thomas Moore's dark, beltless slacks fell around his ankles. In an effort to lose weight before his third marriage to the much younger and vibrant, Tomeka Simms, Deacon Moore went on a liquid diet. The deacon did manage to pull up his slacks with one hand while holding the communion tray with the other. He displayed his polka dot bikini briefs to the pastor, his associates and to the entire congregation. Yes, he has lost a lot of weight...and his pants!

The members of the large Baptist church somehow maintained their composure and respect during the holy communion - except for a few members. After the giggling pastor had delivered the benediction, I began to play a lively rendition of "It Is Well With My Soul" on the massive organ as the entire church burst into wild laughter. Normally, I play the traditional "after communion hymn" of "Blest Be The Tie That Binds."

That entire service was the CROWNING moment of hilarity in my career as a Minister of Music!

Until next week, keep praising HIS name!
Sir Charles

"Your blog postings are like a painting on canvas." ~ A regular blog reader

In The Black

Preacher Man

and

Behind Every Dark Cloud - The Critically Acclaimed Novel - The Second Edition

Available at www.xlibris.com www.amazon.com www.barnesandnoble.com - Charles Carroll Lee. Soft cover and ebook.


Wednesday, March 6, 2013

I Like It Long And Skinny

Cordelia Weaver sauntered into the tastefully decorated cafe and sat next to me on a wooden bar stool. She whispered, "Hi" over the mild roar within the small establishment. I whispered, "Hey," in return. The regular patrons seemed to be following our every move.

Cordelia scanned our favorite drinking spot, and asked, "Are you going to pull yours out?"
Sipping on my favorite bourbon, I replied, "I can't pull it out in here."
Grant, the bartender, took Cordelia's order for a draft beer. She waited for him to pour her beer and return to his other customers. She then said, "If you show me yours, I'll let you see mine." Cordelia smiled at the patrons entering and leaving the cafe.
"I'm not sure that is a good idea. This is a public place," I stated.
"C'mon now. I don't have all night. I want to see what you got," Cordelia stated. She continued, "I promise to show you mine."
Taking another gulp of my drink, I caved in and said, "Okay." I reached into my slacks and retrieved what Cordelia was waiting to see."
"Oh my!" exclaimed Cordelia, as she studied my instrument.
"Now, let me see yours," I commanded.
"Okay. Move in a little closer," Cordelia requested. She showed me what I wanted to see all evening.
"Wow!" I whispered. "It's kind of long and skinny - isn't it?"
"Yes. I like it 'long and skinny.'" She paused and whispered, "Wait a minute. Here comes Grant. I'm thinking that he's eavesdropping."
After Grant had automatically placed another drink in front of me, I stated, "As you can see, mine is big and wide."
With a seductive laugh, Cordelia offered, "It sure is. But, I prefer long and skinny."
Smiling at the vision before me, I asked, "So, when are you going to upgrade that long and skinny cell flip phone? Does it still ring and receives text messages?"
"I just bought it last night. I wanted you to see it, first. And yes - it rings and receives text messages. And what about that big and wide thing that you have?"
I replied, "I love my Android. It has a big screen and wide enough to hold comfortably in my hand."
Grant decided to interrupt our conversation, and said, "I'm not even going to tell the two of you what I thought you were talking about," as we all released a hearty laugh.

Until next week, keep praising HIS name!
Sir Charles

"Your blog postings are like a painting on canvas." ~ A regular blog reader


In The Black

Preacher Man

 and

Behind Every Dark Cloud - The Critically Acclaimed Novel - The Second Edition

 Available at www.xlibris.com www.amazon.com www.barnesandnoble.com - Charles Carroll Lee. Soft cover and ebook.