Wednesday, February 27, 2013

It Hurts...

"It hurts when I swallow," Juanita Greene stated as a matter of fact. She sat across from me in a crowded coffee shop.
After I had placed my order for a large iced coffee, I asked, "Really?" Juanita ordered her usual hot chocolate. She pondered my statement for a few moments.
"Yes, it does," she finally replied, "Every time I swallow it runs down the side of my mouth. And I have to use my hand to wipe it. It looks like I'm drooling."
Smiling at my dear friend, I asked, "When was the last time you had some? I know it must've been weeks - if not ages." After a quick pause, I added, "You don't know how to do it without drooling?"
"It hasn't been that long," Juanita replied with a frown. "Oh, and I normally swallow without drooling."
"Can you just suck on something just to make your throat feel better?" I asked with a soft laugh.
"What do you suggest that I suck on?"
"I dunno. I'm sure there are some things you can find," I playfully replied.
Ignoring my last statement, Juanita said, "Sometimes, when I try to swallow too much - I start coughing, too." 
"Dang! Just how much are you trying to swallow?"
"Just a glass........."
Shocked, I asked, "A glass?!"
".....of..............water," Juanita replied with her broadest smile, yet.
I offered, "I'm sure you're just dehydrated and that's probably why your throat hurts when you drink water." Adding to my last statement, I began to ask, "But, since you don't swallow any..."
"Water!" Juanita interrupted. She continued, "And I will buy some throat lozenges and try to get some water in me. I've been slacking on my water intake," as the barista hand delivered our drink orders to our favorite table.

Until next week, keep praising HIS name!
Sir Charles

"Your blog postings are like a painting on canvas." ~ A regular blog reader


Behind Every Dark Cloud - The Critically Acclaimed Novel - The Second Edition is now available at www.xlibris.com - Charles Carroll Lee. Soft cover and ebook.




Wednesday, February 20, 2013

She's A Country Bumpkin ( I Need A Hug)

Pig Cartoon"I haven't heard you mention Charmaine in quite some time. Are the two of you still dating?" Janelle McQueen asked Dennis Johnson. The two friends and co-workers were enjoying a leisurely Friday lunch at a local eatery. Dennis briefly smirked at Janelle's question.
"No. I dumped her last week," he stated while enjoying his double meat with cheese turkey burger.
Janelle asked in disbelief. "Why? What happened?" She thought Dennis and Charmaine were a cute couple.
"For starters, Charmaine always gives one word responses to any question that I ask like - 'Yes,' 'No,' 'Okay.' Or I may get two words like -  'I dunno.'  I got tired of pulling a conversation out of her. And she was too much of a country bumpkin."
"A country bumpkin?"
"Yeah," Dennis replied. "I know I'm not the most smartest guy in the world, but at least meet me half-way mentally and conversationally."
Gauging her friend's tense facial expression, Janelle again asked, "What happened - exactly?"
After he ate an onion ring, Dennis replied, "Well, I asked her for a hug."
"A hug?" Janelle asked, quizzically.
"Yes, a hug. I told her that I'm her boyfriend, and I want a hug. She asked why did I want a hug."
Puzzled, Janelle asked, "And what did you say?" as she thought about ordering a cheesecake for dessert.
"I told her that I like her, and I need a hug. Then, she asked what I was going to do with it."
"Really? That's a strange thing to ask," offered Janelle. She quickly placed an order for a towering cheesecake with two forks when the server returned to their table.
"I thought so, too," Dennis stated after the server had left for the cheesecake order. "She still had no idea why I wanted a hug. I told her it's a normal and warm gesture to share with friends and loved ones."
"And she said?" asked Janelle, taking a long drink of water.
Dennis continued, "Well, Charmaine finally asked me, 'Why do you want a pig?! And who gives a pig to their boyfriend?!' With her deep, country accent and background, she pronounces 'hog' as 'hug.' She thought I wanted a pig."
Janelle laughed hard and silently while Dennis continued, "I should've known we were not going to work out when I went over to Charmaine's house this past summer -  and realized that she was thawing chitterlings on the front porch."

Until next week, keep praising HIS name!
Sir Charles

"Your posts are like a Saturday Night Live skit!" ~ A regular blog reader


Behind Every Dark Cloud - The Critically Acclaimed Novel - The Second Edition is now available at www.xlibris.com - Charles Carroll Lee. Soft cover and ebook.

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

I'm Fat!

(Read: They Don't Accept Food Stamps)

"Why didn't you tell me that I'm fat?" Florena asked during our telephone conversation.
"Huh?" I replied.
"I didn't stutter," Florena stated.
"Well, the last time I mentioned something about your weight, you darn near chopped my head off. So, I promised myself that we would never have that conversation, again - for a long as we live. Why are you bringing up your weight, now?"
Digesting my last statement, Florena replied, "I was sitting on the toilet in my hotel room the other night. My job put me up in one because I didn't want to drive fifty miles back home. Anyway, while sitting on the toilet, there was a wall sized mirror in front of me right above the sink. And I took a long look at myself. I shouted, 'Oh, my God! I'm fat! I'm huge! I'm obese! Where am I?! Where did I go?!  I just had no idea that I'm this huge! Again, you should've said something, Charles C.!" Florena shouted all at once into the receiver.
"You weren't going to hurt my feelings, again," I stated as a matter of fact. "However, I'm glad that you had this awakening and..."
"That's not all," Florena interrupted.
Holding my breath, I asked, "What is it?"
"I was telling Mona that I'm thinking about getting a Volkswagen Beetle because it's good on gas as opposed to the car I have now."
"Oh, yeah?"
"Well, I was thinking about it until she told me not to get one."
"Why?"
"Mona said that I was way too fat to fit into a Volkswagen Beetle. I couldn't believe she said that," Florena stated.

I released a hard and silent laugh at my dear friend's statement. She waited until I had regained my composure. "Are you finished laughing?" Florena finally asked.  "Anyway, I asked her why would she say something like that."
With a broad smile, I asked, "And what did she say?"
"Mona, said that being as fat as I am and trying to squeeze into a Beetle would be a disaster. She also said that I would squirm into that small car, drive down the street and then when I try to turn the corner - the Volkswagen Beetle will tip over onto the street!"

My laughter became loud and intense at my vision of Florena's Volkswagen Beetle resting on its side at the nearest corner - tires still rotating. Florena interrupted my laughter and added, "I'm going to take charge right now! No more fat Florena! You and Mona should've said something about my weight a long time ago. And I hope I won't see this on one of your blog postings - Charles C."

Until next week, keep praising HIS name!
Sir Charles

"Your posts are like a Saturday Night Live skit!" ~ A regular blog reader


Behind Every Dark Cloud - The Critically Acclaimed Novel - The Second Edition is now available at www.xlibris.com - Charles Carroll Lee. Soft cover and ebook.

Thursday, February 7, 2013

She Has A Rash On Her Face

"Well, you know I have shingles," Harry Palmer stated as we took our rightful place at the immaculate bar.
Slightly taken aback, I asked, "What? Isn't that an old people disease?" The bartender automatically placed a glass of Jim Beam bourbon in front of me.
"Did you call in your drink order while we were at the gym?" asked a stunned Harry.
"No, I'm just a regular," I replied with a smile. "Now, don't change the subject. Let's talk about your shingles." I glared at Harry's neck for a few moments while he ordered a Coor's Light.
"Charles, you're not going to see the shingles on my neck," Harry stated.
"Where is it? The people on the television commercials have them on their neck."
Savoring the beer that was just placed before him, Harry replied, "It's in a place where you won't see - my rear end."
"Oh," I added. "Does it hurt?" I asked, holding my cold glass of liquor.
"No, it's just uncomfortable. It's a mild case," replied Harry. "My wife, Sabrina, wants to know how I got it. She thinks I've been constantly pulling my pants down and caught it from somewhere."
"Really?"
After taking another gulp of beer, Mike replied, "I told her that it comes from having the chicken pox."
"That's right. It does. That didn't satisfy her?" I asked. The bartender instinctively brought me another bourbon.
"No. She wants to know where I've been pulling down my pants and what's been touching my rear end."
Laughing at my buddy's statement, I asked, "Are you kidding?"
Harry ordered another beer, and replied, "No, I'm not kidding. She went on and on for about fifteen minutes about how I could have contracted shingles. My explanation about having chicken pox wasn't working. Then - she called me at work, today."
"What did she say?" I asked as the bar became more crowded.
"That she has a rash on her face! I'm thinking that if it's shingles - I'm pretty much doomed. So, I asked her where has she been putting her face," Harry stated as he joined me in a laugh. "I thought you would like that, Charles. You can use it for one of your blog postings."

Until next week...keep praising His name!
Sir Charles

"Your posts are like a Saturday Night Live skit!" ~ A regular blog reader


Behind Every Dark Cloud - The Critically Acclaimed Novel - The Second Edition is now available at www.xlibris.com - Charles Carroll Lee. Soft cover and ebook.