Thursday, November 14, 2013

A Ton Of Green Bubbles

(Let's welcome again guest blogger, Betty Ann. Read previous post - "It's Chef Betty Ann.")


I had a birthday a few weeks ago and wanted my boyfriend, Josh, to buy me a really nice gift. I
figured that if I cooked a really delicious meal that Josh would buy me that new coat from Macy's Department Store. Trying my luck at cooking (yet again), I planned a menu which consisted of macaroni and cheese, collard greens, baked chicken and hot rolls. Sir Charles shared his macaroni and cheese recipe. However, I thought that it had too many eggs - six to be exact and too much milk. Sir Charles uses almost two quarts of whole milk in his recipe. With that in mind, I decided to use a half-cup of low-fat milk and two eggs. So, my macaroni and cheese was done. My brother, Robert, a chef at a local restaurant instructed me to buy a chicken that was already cooked and seasoned - which I did (he doesn't trust my cooking). Then, Robert gave me some instructions on how to cook collard greens.

Following his instructions to the letter, I began by cleaning the green vegetables in my stainless steel sink. Wearing long rubber gloves, I spun the greens around in the sink until they were squeaky clean. Then, I placed the greens into a waiting pot so that they could be cooked to perfection. Minutes later, I heated the rolls in the oven. After a quick shower, I fluffed up my hair and donned my best outfit. Sashaying into the kitchen, I screamed at the sight before me. Horrified, I phoned Robert.

"What did you do to them?" asked Robert.
I replied in a panic, "I cleaned and seasoned them just like you told me to! Should I call the fire department?!?"
"Just turn the stove off. You don't need the fire department. What did you clean them with?"
"Almost a half of a bottle of dish detergent! I poured the detergent into the sink with hot water, swished it around, drained the sink and placed them into the pot. I needed to make sure that they were clean! You didn't tell me what to clean the collard greens with, Robert!" I was so frightened by what was taking place on my stove.
"Dish detergent?!? What in the world?!? What's happening?!?"
Screaming, I replied, "I got a ton of dark green bubbles oozing out of my good pot, Robert. All over my floor, stove and counter top! It's all your fault!"
Robert exclaimed, "You were supposed to clean them with running water - not with dish detergent! At least you got the macaroni and cheese and rolls to feed Josh with," as he broke into a hard and deep laughter.
"You make me sick! Good-bye!" I shouted in return.

Anyway, the macaroni and cheese came out dry and hard (not enough milk and eggs), and the rolls were burned to a crispy crunch (I was too busy screaming at the bubbles). Just so you will know, I went out and bought dinner before Josh arrived. I acted like I had prepared the entire meal myself. And I even got my new coat! After dinner, it was a chore keeping Josh out of the kitchen because he wanted to wash the dishes. Of course I did not have a chance to clean up the green bubbles - with all the other stuff I had to do (change clothes because I smelled like collard greens, buying dinner, fussing at Robert, again, etc...).

Thanks for reading and thanks to Sir Charles for another opportunity. I hope you have enjoyed it. Later, I may share my experiences as "Miss Senior Class" in high school. I have to get my thoughts together, first.

With love,
Betty Ann

"I enjoy your blog postings so much, that I have linked it to my blog at http://www.thesavannahjpublications.com/ ~ Savannah J., Author


In The Black   ~    Preacher Man    ~    Behind Every Dark Cloud , The Second Edition
Available at www.xlibris.com, www.amazon.com, www.barnesandnoble.com - Charles Carroll Lee. Soft cover and ebook.

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Beez In The Trap (Clutching My Pearls)

(Welcome guest blogger, Clarissa DeLavallade. Read: "Lift Up Your Long Dress.")

My husband, Clarence, and I had welcomed our four darling children home from their summer vacation at my sister's, Lorraine, home in Baltimore, Maryland. All, under the age of nine, had songs that they had learned and adventures they had shared while spending two-weeks with their favorite aunt. Weeks later, Clarence, the children and I attended church service. We all had a spirit-filled time of singing along with the choir accompanied by drums, the piano, tambourines, and a large multi-pipe organ. The fiery sermon delivered by the pastor gave us all something to think about. Well, I'm not sure that the kids were paying that much attention to the sermon (they really should have been).

After the pastor had delivered the benediction, all of our children wanted their chance to perform on the drums, piano and behind the microphone on the massive rostrum. C.R. our eldest and only son banged his heart out on the drums. Marley, our second oldest daughter, pecked a few notes on the piano. Cynthia, our third oldest, took her place behind the microphone. Our youngest daughter, Madolyn, was wrapped in the arms of Clarence listening to the cacophony.

Suddenly, Cynthia cleared her throat and began rapping,"Beez In The Trap" by Nicki Minaj!! It was definitely a moment. The remaining church members that were still mingling after the service were shouting, "Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!" while poor little Cynthia was standing behind the microphone looking all innocent. They must have known what Cynthia was rapping. C.R. released a devilish smile behind the drums as he listened to his sister make her rap debut. Clutching my pearls and with my jaw near my chest, Clarence mentioned that Cynthia had been rapping that sound for a few weeks. Actually, Clarence and I didn't know what Cynthia was rapping until one of the nearby teenagers told us the name of the song and the artist. Finally, I gathered my composure and snatched the children from the rostrum - one by one. Then, I had an important question for Cynthia.
"Where did you learn that song?"
She replied with an innocent expression, "At Aunt Lorraine's house."
Flabbergasted, I immediately called Lorraine and asked, "What are you teaching my kids?" I then gave her a humorous recap of Cynthia's performance.
Lorraine replied with a robust laugh, "That was supposed to be a secret. I told them not to sing that song around you and Clarence. Now, I have to go to the post office and see if I can stop their gifts from being delivered. They got me in trouble! And to top it all off - Cynthia sung it in church with C.R. on drums and Marley on keyboard!"
Clarence studied the four-year-old Madolyn, still in wrapped in his arms, for a few moments. He asked, "What song did you learn at Aunt Lorraine's house?"
Instantly, Madolyn began singing, "Who Let The Dogs Out! Whoop! Whoop! Whoop!"

Sincerely,
Clarissa DeLavallade


"I enjoy your blog postings so much, that I have linked it to my blog at http://www.thesavannahjpublications.com/" ~ Savannah J.  Author
                                                  
 In The Black


                        Preacher Man


                             and


                   Behind Every Dark Cloud
                      

Available at www.xlibris.com www.amazon.com www.barnesandnoble.com - Charles Carroll Lee. Soft cover and ebook.


Thursday, September 26, 2013

The Ten Types of Black Preachers (Video)


Over the last several weeks, I introduced you to some guest bloggers. This week, I decided to try something new and bring you an eight (8) minute video clip. It includes a couple of talented comedians that will make you laugh.

Peace and Blessings Always!
Sir Charles
                

   "Some take a smoke break, I take a 'Smile Network' break.  It’s healthier!"
 ~ Patricia Lewis Mills, Author of Caught Up and More Than A Dream
 
 
Behind Every Dark Cloud
       In The Black


     Preacher Man

and

   Behind Every Dark Cloud
                      

Available at www.xlibris.com www.amazon.com www.barnesandnoble.com - Charles Carroll Lee. Soft cover and ebook.

Friday, September 13, 2013

When Can I Retire? (But, Why Digress?)

(Meet guest blogger, Mr. Hampton Perry)

Well, let me get right down to it. I'm in my mid-to-late fifties and looking forward to retirement. I do
have some prior military service which counts toward my retirement. I supervise a staff of four and have a manager that I report to on a monthly basis. After retirement, I want to operate a food vending cart on a busy corner in the financial district and take a few trips around the country. During lunch time, those food vendors make pretty good money selling hot dogs, chips and drinks. That money will be enough to support me along with my retirement and social security checks.

Also, I want to lose a few pounds - especially around my gut. One day, I got on a crowded elevator with Sir Charles and some other co-workers. After several seconds, the elevator door would not close. So, Sir Charles states, "Hampton, if you would suck in your stomach, the door will close." I wanted to turn around to say something to him (I was told not to use profanity on this blog. I can cuss if I want to. I'm a grown man.), but there were some ladies on the elevator. But, why digress?

Anyway, after a stressful day at work and dealing with a "know-it-all" manager, disobedient staff members and snotty co-workers; I decided to free myself from all of this foolishness and visit the retirement office at the very bottom of the hill. I became excited at the thought of leaving these crazy people, operating my food vending cart, and taking some trips as I trotted down the hill. It seemed as though I was twenty-five years old again. There was jubilance, a pep in my step and a song in my heart as I glided down the hill to the retirement office. Life will be so much better when I leave this place.

The retirement office was very quiet and well-decorated. Soft music played in the background as the receptionist noticed my arrival.
The receptionist whispered, "Hello, how may I help you?"
Whispering in return, I replied, "I would like to talk to someone about retiring?"
"Please, have a seat," she requested. The receptionist made a quick call and announced, "Someone will be with you, shortly."

After a couple of minutes, a young looking retirement counselor escorted me to her tastefully decorated office. We exchanged some pleasantries and then talked about my plans to retire within a few months. She turned toward her desktop computer and entered my most important information into the system. She stared at the screen and then looked at me.
"What seems to be the problem?" I asked. "When can I retire?"
"Well, Mister Perry - it looks like you will be eligible to retire in eight years. That includes your prior military service," the counselor announced. I had thought about asking her out on a date.
"What?!? I can't retire, now?!?" I shouted within the quiet office.
"Yes, you can..."
Interrupting with a sigh of relief, I stated, "Oh, good. Thank God..."
"Hold on, Mister Perry. If you retire now, you will only receive about five-hundred dollars a month - before taxes."
"Oh, hell naw! I can't live off of that! F*#k No! (Oops, I used some profanity. Sorry, Sir Charles.)

So, I had to return to the office with a heavy heart and a big gut - up the hill. The jubilance, pep in my step and the song in my heart had vanished. The hill looked so steep from this direction, that I could not see the office building. Each step became more painful at the thought of another eight years until retirement. My breathing became hard and heavy as disappointment and sadness enveloped my body. I leaned against one of the parking meters that lined the hill and cried like a baby...

Yours truly,
Hampton Perry

"Some take a smoke break, I take a 'Smile Network' break.  It’s healthier!"
 ~ Patricia Lewis Mills, Author of Caught Up and More Than A Dream
Behind Every Dark Cloud       In The Black





      Preacher Man

and

Behind Every Dark Cloud - The Critically Acclaimed Novel 
 The Second Edition

Available at www.xlibris.com www.amazon.com www.barnesandnoble.com - Charles Carroll Lee. Soft cover and ebook.

Friday, August 30, 2013

Bovis Stercus

 (Let's welcome guest blogger, Mellandra Patterson. ~Sir Charles)

Hello! I am going to jump right into my story. I go out on a date with a new man, and it is an epic fail. Dressed in a form fitting coral dress that fell just above my knees with matching pumps and purse, Harry Blassingame and I strolled along the riverwalk canal plaza with the James River flowing beneath us. We had a wonderful view of the city's skyline. Everything was so nice as we walked near the water. During the evening, Harry stated that his budget is tight because he needs a new transmission for his aging car. I can appreciate that. So, we made our way to Long John Silver's Seafood Restaurant for an early dinner. It had been ages since I ate at this fast food establishment.

After leaving Long John Silver's, Harry drove me to his friend's house for drinks and to play some card games. En route to our destination, it was clearly obvious that his car needed a new transmission. When we had arrived at the house "in the hood," (and I have been in the hood before) I felt as though I needed to be dressed in jeans and sneakers - just in case some sh*t popped off.  Following some polite introductions, the card game began while the drinks poured freely from the bottles. Harry was throwing back drinks really hard during the lively game of spades. Suddenly, he stands at the table because he has to go to the bathroom. However, my date did not make it in time. Yes, Harry peed on himself.

Later that evening after cards and drinks and the smell of pee on Harry, we stopped at the nearest 7-11 convenience store so he could buy me a sandwich and a bottle of juice. Well actually, he buys me a juice and steals the sandwich. You know Harry is on a tight budget and all. And this was the first time that I have been involved in a robbery. Go figure.

I can laugh at it now. The only thing I was saying during this horrible date was "this is some bovis stercus (bull sh*t)". Thank you for this wonderful blogging opportunity, Sir Charles.

I am,
Mellandra Patterson

"Some take a smoke break, I take a 'Smile Network' break.  It’s healthier!"

 ~ Patricia Lewis Mills, Author of Caught Up and More Than A Dream


  In The Black



Preacher Man



and

Behind Every Dark Cloud - The Critically Acclaimed Novel - The Second Edition

Available at www.xlibris.com www.amazon.com www.barnesandnoble.com - Charles Carroll Lee. Soft cover and ebook.


Thursday, August 8, 2013

An Unexpected Passenger

(Join me in welcoming guest blogger, Lynda Dian Eggleston. ~ Sir Charles)

First of all, let me say how honored I am to write a blog posting for "The Smile Network with Sir
Charles." I have never done this sort of thing before. I have had the displeasure - I mean pleasure - of working with Charles for the last several years. Sometimes, he likes to play small practical jokes on me. However, I have found it necessary just to lift him up in prayer. Charles has already mentioned the following incident on Facebook. However, I would like to share just a couple of extra details.

Last week after a long and stressful day at the office, I gathered my belongings and left the building at the stroke of five. Most of my co-workers decided to stay for another hour or so, but not me. I had things to do - like go to prayer service at church. I am one of those church ladies that runs up and down the aisles praising the Lord. On a few occasions, I may do a "Wonder Woman" twirl if the Spirit hits me the right way. Then, I pass out. Some of my church members think it is because I do so much running and twirling. I like to think that it is because of the Holy Spirit.

While walking to my SUV in the surface parking lot across the street from my office building, I was interrupted by a call from my daughter. Deciding to multi-task, I answered the call and continued on my journey toward my vehicle. However, I felt as though someone was following me in broad daylight. I did not want to turn around in the middle of the street in fear that I would be hit by a car. The call with my daughter lasted for just a few quick seconds.

When I approached my vehicle, I unlocked it my remote keyless entry device and placed some items on the back seat. After a few moments of fumbling with the items, I took my position behind the steering wheel. And to my complete and utter surprise, I found Charles sitting in the passenger's seat. I gave him a puzzled look like he had just lost his everlasting mind.

Charles asked, "Can you give me a ride home to Petersburg?"
With my jaw near my chest, I replied, "Petersburg is twenty-five miles away." Pointing at my dirty windshield, I added, "Look, I'm going down the street and around the corner. Then, you're going to have to jump out - and find the rest of the way home.That's the best I can do for you," as we both released a hearty laugh.

I am just thankful Charles is not a carjacker or something.....well, he is a little crazy...and an unexpected passenger. Also, I keep some mace,pepper spray and a taser gun handy - just in case.

Thank you for reading and best regards,
Lynda Dian Eggleston

"Some take a smoke break, I take a 'Smile Network' break.  It’s healthier!"
 ~ Patricia Lewis Mills, Author


  In The Black


Preacher Man

and

Behind Every Dark Cloud - The Critically Acclaimed Novel - The Second Edition

Available at www.xlibris.com www.amazon.com www.barnesandnoble.com - Charles Carroll Lee. Soft cover and ebook.


Thursday, July 25, 2013

It's Chef Betty Ann

Special Guest Blogger - Chef Betty Ann

Let me start by saying that I am so excited that Sir Charles has asked me to be his guest blogger. This is my very first blog posting. Now, I'm not really a chef like the blog title states. Actually, I can't cook worth a damn. Unfortunately, I had told Charles about some of my experiences in the kitchen, and he thought that they were worth sharing- I hope.

I am in my late forties and have very little experience in the kitchen - none actually. My brother, Robert, is an extremely good cook. Robert has worked at various upscale restaurants throughout the United States. Against his better judgement, Robert tried to teach me to cook on a few occasions. However, those lessons were an epic fail. My first cooking lesson was vegetable soup. "You can't go wrong with that. You can put most anything in the soup," Robert had stated on the phone while I prepared my ingredients. Taking my brother at his word, I dumped a lot of vegetables in a large pot along with some water and seasonings and brought it to a hard boil. Looking into the pot, I realized that the soup was clear and thin. So, I added some ketchup, lard, bacon grease, and mayonnaise to the pot to make it thick and red and flavorful.

A few hours later, Robert called to check on my progress. I had told him that I was still cooking the soup and had added ketchup, bacon grease, mayonnaise and lard to the pot.
Robert shouted into the phone, "What?!" You added ketchup, lard, bacon grease and mayonnaise to the soup?!"
"Yes, you said to add anything I wanted to it. And I want my soup to be red in color," I replied.
"I meant vegetables - not lard and mayonnaise! You could've used tomatoes or vegetable juice to turn your soup red! Don't you put nothing else in that pot!" Robert shouted.
"Well, you didn't tell me that!" I shouted in returned and quickly terminated the call.

After some weeks had passed, I had a craving for pigs feet. Once again, I called my brother for his expert opinion on cooking my favorite dish. Robert gave me some cooking instructions and promised to stop by my house after work to check on my progress. Well, I had placed the pigs feet in a pressure cooker along with some water and seasonings. The soul food delicacy had been cooking for some time when Robert had finally arrived. He sat at my kitchen table and stared at the stove.

Feeling like this would be my greatest cooking accomplishment, I removed the lid from the pressure cooker. In order to find out if the pigs feet were tender, I stuck one of them with a fork. And to my surprise, the pig's foot popped out of the pressure cooker and across Robert's face until it landed on the floor.  I'm not sure why that happened. But Robert stated, "I guess it was trying to run away from you."

Thank you, Sir Charles for this blogging opportunity! I hope to do this again real soon!

With love,
Betty Ann

When I read your stories, it is truly like a box of cherries, I NEVER know WHAT I'm gonna get." ~ a regular blog reader


In The Black

Preacher Man

and

Behind Every Dark Cloud - The Critically Acclaimed Novel - The Second Edition

Available at www.xlibris.com www.amazon.com www.barnesandnoble.com - Charles Carroll Lee. Soft cover and ebook.

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Lift Up Your Long Dress

In the shopping mall's parking lot, Clarissa De Lavallade released her three pre-school age daughters and six-year old son from her mini-van. Clarence Rudolph De Lavallade, II, her husband, was working on an important contract at the nearby military base. He was scheduled to work a full twelve hours - much to Clarissa's dismay. Earlier in the day, Clarissa took her darling children for their regular pediatric checkup. After the female pediatrician had examined one child, she thought of a question for Clarissa.

"What do you and your husband do in your free time?" she asked as she examined the next child.
Clarissa replied, "Feed these children and visit the pediatrician."
The middle-aged doctor gave Clarissa a faint smile and moved to the next child.

The De Lavallade's strolled into the main entrance of the extravagant mall with Clarissa dressed in a printed maxi dress and flat shoes. All four of her children were excited to visit the air-conditioned mall and shouted which store they wanted to visit. As usual, the young
De Lavallade's ran toward the escalator. Riding the moving stairs were the best part of their trip to the mall.

Stepping onto the escalator, Clarissa ordered her children to hold hands as she stood directly behind them. Seconds later, Clarissa felt a tugging on her long dress. The tugging sensation felt as though the dress would free itself from her body. Looking downward, Clarissa realized that her maxi dress was snugly engaged in the escalator.

Immediately, the escalator's emergency alarm sounded as dozens of shoppers turned toward Clarissa De Lavallade. Her dress inched its way off of her body as she feverishly tried to free herself from the entanglement. Eight inches of fabric became engaged in the escalator as her children giggled at the sight behind them. Fortunately, the maintenance man arrived in a nick of time and released the wife and mother of four from her embarrassing bondage.  A few minutes later, the mall manager arrived and insisted that Clarissa visit the alterations department to remove the oil stain. Clarissa declined the offer and was more than relieved that she was not "dress-less" in front of her precious angels and the entire mall.

A few hours later and on their way home, Clarissa's son, Clarence Rudolph, better known as C.R. stated, "Mom, the sign on the escalator said to keep loose objects away from the escalator. Next time, lift up your long dress."
"Yes, dear," was Clarissa's reply as her daughters giggled from the back seat.

Until next week, keep praising HIS name!
Sir Charles

When I read your stories, it is truly like a box of cherries, I NEVER know WHAT I'm gonna get." ~ a regular blog reader


In The Black

Preacher Man

and

Behind Every Dark Cloud - The Critically Acclaimed Novel - The Second Edition

Available at www.xlibris.com www.amazon.com www.barnesandnoble.com - Charles Carroll Lee. Soft cover and ebook.

Friday, June 14, 2013

Tchaikovsky's Swan Lake (I'm Speechless)

"Buddy!" Dylan McQueen announced as he entered the kitchen from the driveway. His teenage son, Michael or Buddy as he is affectionately known, was eating a bowl of cereal and reading a comic book at the kitchen table. Janelle, Dylan's wife, was in another room preparing for her sorority meeting.

Releasing a smile when Dylan entered the kitchen, Michael said, "Hey, Dad!"
"Where is your Mom? And how was your day?" Dylan asked, taking a seat in front of Michael. He removed his shoes underneath the table.
"Mom is in the den getting ready for her sorority meeting. And my day didn't go so well," replied Michael, looking up from his comic book.
"Why? What happened?" Dylan asked with great concern.
Taking a deep breath, Michael replied, "For starters, I didn't get a good grade on the xylophone that you help me make."
"What?! We spent two weeks making that thing! What grade did you get?" Dylan asked as he removed his socks. He was becoming a little disappointed.
"I got a ninety-seven out of one-hundred."
"That's good, Buddy. It's still an "A," Dylan stated with a touch of relief.
"I know right, but I wanted a hundred on that project."
"What happened?"
Placing another spoonful of cereal in his mouth, Michael replied, "Well, I forgot what makes the sound. And I screwed up the song that I was supposed to play."
"You hit the bars with the mallet to produce the sound. The harder you hit the bars the louder the sound. See, you weren't even listening when I explained this to you last week. How did you screw up, "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star?" It only has a few notes," Dylan asked.
"Actually, I was the last to make my presentation, and everyone had already planned to play, "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star" or either, "Mary Had A Little Lamb." So, I decided to play something different," Michael replied as he gauged his father's expression.
"What did you play?"
"'Tchaikovsky's Swan Lake.' Needless to say, I forgot most of the notes. So, that's why I got a ninety-seven instead of one-hundred. Anyway, Miss Pembroke loved the xylophone. You live and you learn."
Holding back a laugh, Dylan stated, "I just don't know what to say. I'm speechless."
"I have one more thing to tell you," Michael announced.
"I'm afraid to ask. What is it?"
"I've signed up to take xylophone lessons after school on Mondays. You can pick me up after you get off from work and on your way to your pick-up basketball game. I can hang out at the gym until your game is over. See, I made it real convenient for you and didn't schedule it on your poker night," Michael stated as he lifted his cereal bowl to his mouth to slurp the last drops of milk.

Until next week, keep praising HIS name!
Sir Charles

"When I read your stories, it is truly like a box of cherries, I NEVER know WHAT I'm gonna get." ~ a regular blog reader
In The Black





In The Black

Preacher Man

and

Behind Every Dark Cloud - The Critically Acclaimed Novel - The Second Edition

Available at www.xlibris.com www.amazon.com www.barnesandnoble.com - Charles Carroll Lee. Soft cover and ebook.

Friday, May 31, 2013

A Fortunate Accident

"Whatever you do - don't look at Papa," Anna announced to her younger brother, Rudy. Anna began to savor her hot dog on bun at her grandparent's Memorial Day cookout.
"Why not?" asked Rudy, taking a seat next to his teenage sister.
"Because, he's asking everyone to fix him a plate. And he fell out of his raggedy lawn chair a few minutes ago. I don't know why Papa keeps sitting on it," Anna replied.
"Oh," Rudy stated as he studied his grandparents, Samantha and Roger Brewer, across the lawn.

Roger sauntered toward his wife standing by a picnic table, and asked, "Isn't this a nice cookout? The kids and grandkids are here, and my brother and sister-in-law."
While arranging condiments and buns on the table, Samantha, replied, "Well, it would've been nice to have known ahead of time that we were having a cookout."
"I told you that we were having a cookout..."
Interrupting her husband of thirty years statement, Samantha replied, "Yes, you did...while we were in the grocery store..two hours ago, Roger."
"Didn't I pay for all this food and invited everybody?" he asked.
"Yes, you did. All of this cheap ass food for fifty bucks. And you invited everyone while we were shopping in the grocery store. Go figure."
"Don't be mad. What can I do to help?" asked Roger.
"Oh, just go somewhere and sit down. And please stopping asking folks to fix you a plate. There's nothing wrong with you."
In a huff, Roger left Samantha at the picnic table and asked his family and friends, "Who's gonna fix me a plate?"

Since Roger did not receive any offers, he walked toward another table near the gas grill, and piled his plate with two hot dogs, a hamburger, and two scoops of potato salad along with a generous serving of baked beans. Roger made small talk with his children, grandchildren and invited guests en route to his favorite lawn chair. Samantha had asked Roger repeatedly to replace the worn and ugly lawn chair, but Roger wanted to keep it.

Once he had arrived at his chair, Roger announced to the crowd, "See, I can fix my own plate, and put as much food as I want on it - since no one would fix it for me. I paid for this cookout, and I couldn't get one person to just fix me a plate - not even my grandkids."

After Roger had made his speech, he sat on his lawn chair that he sometimes calls his throne and began to eat his meal. Within seconds, the chair collapsed beneath Roger as he began to fall to the lush, green lawn. The hot dogs reminded the guests of two batons twirling in mid-air, and the hamburger resembled a discus being hurled by an Olympian. The baked beans and potato salad rained on top of Roger as he lay on his freshly mowed lawn.

His family and friends tried to contain their laughter as Samantha mumbled, "What a fortunate accident."

Until next week, keep praising HIS name!
Sir Charles

When I read your stories, it is truly like a box of cherries, I NEVER know WHAT I'm gonna get." ~ a regular blog reader


In The Black

Preacher Man

and

Behind Every Dark Cloud - The Critically Acclaimed Novel - The Second Edition

Available at www.xlibris.com www.amazon.com www.barnesandnoble.com - Charles Carroll Lee. Soft cover and ebook.

Thursday, May 16, 2013

Swish and Swallow

"I went to the dentist, today," Florena Braxton announced into the telephone.
"Oh yeah?" I asked, waiting for more information. I enjoy my weekly call with my childhood friend. Instinctively, I knew that this conversation would become quite interesting.
"Yes, I have some issues going on in my mouth," replied Florena.
Taking a sip of bourbon, I asked, "Like what?"
"Well, I have a little fungus on my gums."
I replied, "Ewwwwwww! Gross, Florena." With a devilish grin, I then asked, "What have you been 'sucking' on to get a fungus?"
"Nothing. I haven't done 'that' in over a year - Charles C."
After I had released a hearty laugh, I asked, "Really? What does the dentist want you to do about your fungus?"
"He gave me a prescription for some mouthwash. I have to swish it around in my mouth. I told the dentist that it's been a while since I 'swished' something around in my mouth," replied Florena. She appeared to be laughing on the other end of the phone. Florena continued, "Thanks again for pushing my car out of the mud last Friday night."
"You're welcome. I got my nice pair of jeans muddy for you," I announced.
"Ohhhh, I appreciate that. You're such a good friend," offered Florena.
"Whatever. Now, let's get back to the good stuff. When is your follow-up?" I asked.
"It will happen after I have finished using the mouthwash. The dentist said that I should not swallow the mouthwash, either."
I chuckled at Florena's last statement, and asked, "So, you don't 'swallow'?"
"You are so nasty. You know, I told the dentist that I haven't 'swallowed' anything in a very long time. He and his assistant almost died laughing. Yes, I used to 'swish and swallow' - back in the day. And furthermore, I hope that I don't find my trip to the dentist as one of your blog posts, either."

Until next week, keep praising HIS name!
Sir Charles

"When I read your stories, it is truly like a box of cherries, I NEVER know WHAT I'm gonna get." ~ a regular blog reader
In The Black
 





In The Black

Preacher Man

and

Behind Every Dark Cloud - The Critically Acclaimed Novel - The Second Edition

Available at www.xlibris.com www.amazon.com www.barnesandnoble.com - Charles Carroll Lee. Soft cover and ebook.

Thursday, May 9, 2013

Aren't You Jerry Thompson? (In Jesus' Name)




Dylan McQueen had dropped his son, Michael or 'Buddy' as he affectionately known, off for his swimming lesson at the YMCA. His wife, Janelle, decided to treat herself to a day at the spa. So, Dylan decided to use his free time to visit his uncle in the hospital. He arrived at the large hospital immediately after breakfast was served. Dylan found his way to Jerry Thompson's room and gently tapped on the door. Jerry appeared excited to see his sister's son.

"Come on in! I'll be out of here in two days! How's my nephew?" Jerry announced in a cheery, upbeat tone.
Taking a seat near his uncle, Dylan replied, "I'm good, Uncle. I wish you were."
"Ohhhh, don't worry about me. I'm going to be just fine. The doctor and nurses are doing a good job," Jerry stated. "How are Janelle and Michael?"
"They are good, too. I think Janelle's niece is going to move in with us. Her mother is gone, and we don't know who or where her father is."
"Okay. How do you feel about that?" asked Jerry as he pulled the top sheet to his chest.
"I'm fine with it. Buddy is excited to have someone to blame stuff on."
"Ha! I bet Michael is.." Jerry started to say before he found two visitors at his hospital door.

The two female visitors were tall in stature and pleasingly plump. They both wore black wigs and black outfits. White doilies adorned their heads. Standing to greet his uncle's visitors, Dylan said, "Hi. Come on in." The two ladies hugged and kissed Dylan on the cheek. He now smelled of "eau de toilet."
"How are you doing, Jerry?" asked one of the ladies. She finally released Dylan from her bear hug.
"I'm doing just great. Hopefully, I can go home in a day or two," he replied.

The two ladies took a seat near Jerry while Dylan sat on the spacious window sill. They engaged one another in conversation for fifteen minutes. After a brief pause, Jerry had a question for one of his visitors.

"Janice, have you seen or heard from cousin Rollie?"
"Who? I'm not 'Janice'?"
"You're not?" asked Jerry as his jaw dropped to his chest in shock.
"No, I'm not," the lady, replied.
"Aren't you were my cousin, Janice McLaughlin? I haven't seen her in years. Who in the hell are you, then?" asked Jerry. Dylan giggled while sitting in the window sill.
"I am Sister Ida Mae Banks, and this is Sister Debra Irene Jones. We are from your church - the Seventh Street Baptist Church Missionary and Visitation Society. We just wanted to stop by for a visit and pray with you." Dylan knew that Jerry was a member of Fourth Baptist Church. "This is getting good," Dylan thought.
"Ohhhh...I appreciate that, but...."
Interrupting, Sister Banks asked, "Well, aren't you Jerry Thompson?"
"I sure am."
"Ohhhh....." Sister Banks muttered as her voice trailed off. She now realized that there was something unfamiliar about Jerry.
 "Don't you belong to our church?" asked Sister Jones.
"No," Jerry replied.
Sister Jones asked, "Can I use the telephone to call the church, please? We left our cell phones in the car. There must be some mistake," all while picking up the telephone that was resting on Jerry's bed.
"Sure," replied Dylan. He was dying of laughter deep inside his spirit.

Sister Jones called the church to verify the name and room number of the person they were scheduled to visit, she asked, "Are we supposed to visit Brother Jerry Thompson, and what room is he in?" After a few seconds had passed, Sister Jones exclaimed, "Fuck! Damn it! Not again! Shit! I can't believe this gaddamn mess!" She quickly ended the call.
Now, turning her attention toward Sister Ida Mae Banks, Sister Jones stated, "Well, it looks like we're on the wrong floor. We have to leave," as she headed toward the door.
Grabbing her large handbag from the floor, Sister Debra Irene Jones announced, "We done messed up, again. But, we sure hope you feel better - in Jesus' name."
"Amen," Jerry and Dylan said in unison.

Until next week, keep praising HIS name!
Sir Charles

"When I read your stories, it is truly like a box of cherries, I NEVER know WHAT I'm gonna get." ~ a regular blog reader

                        In The Black


Preacher Man

and

Behind Every Dark Cloud - The Critically Acclaimed Novel - The Second Edition



Available at www.xlibris.com www.amazon.com www.barnesandnoble.com -
Charles Carroll Lee. Soft cover and ebook.





Wednesday, May 1, 2013

You Are Still A Sophomore (Huh?)

The sixty-year old undergraduate student, Saundra Harris, had just finished her final presentation for Economics 402. She is schedule to graduate within a few short days. Saundra thought that she looked nice in her "Hillary Clinton pantsuit" and even wore her dentures for the presentation. Saundra's much younger classmates were dressed in wrinkled slacks, mini-skirts, halter tops, t-shirts, or baggy clothes for their presentations. And one of Saundra's male classmates, Tyson Braxton, even wore a tight skirt with leggings.

Seated behind Saundra, Tyson leaned in and whispered, "Do you think anyone thinks I'm gay?"
Scanning Tyson from head-to-toe over her shoulder, Saundra whispered in return, "No. I doubt it." She thought, "I hope he knows that I'm lying."

Following the presentations and some harsh fashion critiques from Doctor Patrick Adekoya, Chairman of the Economics Department; Saundra remained after class to speak with her favorite professor. She specifically wanted to know her final grade in hopes of graduating Summa Cum Laude. During their conversation, Tiffany Wells, a graduating senior flew into the partially empty classroom. She scanned the room and only saw Saundra and the professor.

Slightly out of breath, Tiffany announced, "I'm sorry, Doctor Adekoya, but I had to buy my cap and gown and mail my invitations. I'm so sorry that I missed my presentation. Can I do it right now?"
"No," Doctor Adekoya replied.
"Why? I have it right here," asked Tiffany. She turned her attention toward Saundra and said, "Hey, Ma," - which is Saundra's nickname on the medium-sized campus. Tiffany continued, "Ma, I thought you were going to run for homecoming queen last year."
Saundra replied, "Girl, I'm too old for that stuff. I'm trying to graduate - on time."
Interrupting the conversation, Doctor Adekoya stated, "Miss Wells, you have missed a very important presentation and...."
"I know. I know. I can still do it, now. My parents are coming here from their vacation in France to see me graduate."
"Miss Wells, this is the second time that you have taken this required Economics class. You got a "C" the first time. And this time - you have a "F," Doctor Adekoya stated. "I don't know why you took this class again," he added.
"Huh?"
"Did I stutter?" asked Doctor Adekoya as he turned toward his computer screen. He began to type on his keyboard. Saundra wanted to disappear into thin air.
Tiffany asked, "What are you saying?"
"I am saying that you have failed this class," Doctor Adekoya repeated.
"I can still graduate."
Studying his computer monitor, Doctor Adekoya stated, "Well, no you cannot."
"Huh?"
"You have a 1.2 grade point average and only completed 24 semester hours. You've dropped quite a few classes and have so many "I's" that have turned into "F's" - that I cannot count them all. It looks like you are still a....."
"Huh? What are you saying?" Tiffany asked in a panic.
"What I am saying is - call your parents and tell them to stay in France. You are still a sophomore and not a graduating. You may can take back your cap and gown and get your money back."

Upon hearing the news, Tiffany fell into a chair that Saundra had quietly slid behind her. Tiffany stared off into space wondering how she was going to break the news to her parents - again. She seemed to be in a catatonic state.
"Miss Harris would you like to join me in the faculty dining room for lunch? And it looks like you are graduating Summa Cum Laude,"  Doctor Adekoya announced.
"That's great news!  I sure would love to have lunch with you! But, what about Tiffany? Is she still alive?" asked Saundra.
"Yes. Let her keep staring into space. She and I went through this same thing last year when she had a 0.5 grade point average," Doctor Adekoya stated. He retrieved his briefcase and walked out of the classroom with Saundra Harris one step in front of him.

Until next week, keep praising HIS name!
Sir Charles

"When I read your stories, it is truly like a box of cherries, I NEVER know WHAT I'm gonna get." ~ a regular blog reader

                        In The Black




Preacher Man

and

Behind Every Dark Cloud - The Critically Acclaimed Novel - The Second Edition

Available at www.xlibris.com www.amazon.com www.barnesandnoble.com - Charles Carroll Lee. Soft cover and ebook.

Thursday, April 25, 2013

I Need To Be Seen (The Clinic)

Jeffrey Brown whispered, "I need to be seen," to Helen Thomas, the front desk clerk. Jeffrey felt a little uneasy as he entered the Neighborhood Free Clinic, which is widely known for treating sexually transmitted infections (STI) at a low cost or on a sliding fee scale. It is also better known as "The Clinic."
"I'm sorry, can you repeat that?" Helen asked.
"I need to be seen," he whispered again, but slightly louder.
Studying the well-dressed man before her, Helen asked in a low voice, "What seems to be the problem?"
"I think I have a STI," Jeffrey whispered.
"Okay." Helen handed Jeffrey a clipboard with some forms to be completed and an ink pen. She continued, "Please, fill out these forms and come back to my desk so that I can register you into our system and give you a number."

Jeffrey completed the required forms and followed Helen instructions to the letter. He noticed that more people began filing into "The Clinic's" waiting room. After several minutes had passed, Jeffrey's number was called. A male nurse warmly greeted him and kindly led him to "Exam Room 9." This is the room where the staff normally treats their gonorrhea patients.

After some time had passed, the nurse and Jeffrey had emerged from the exam room. The nurse disappeared from sight while Jeffrey retrieved some rectangular shaped color leaflets from his inside jacket pocket. The leaflets contained an image of him and his wife along with some other information. He handed one to each nurse and other staff members en route to the waiting room. Each staff member studied the leaflet and silently laughed.

Later that week, Sunday morning had finally arrived. Jeffrey sat on the pulpit in his black clergy robe waiting to begin his sermon within his medium sized church. His lovely wife, Marketta, sat near the front row styling an over sized hat. Following the opening hymn, the church announcer took his rightful place behind a podium near the rostrum and asked for all visitors to stand and to introduce themselves. Eight nurses and staff members from "The Clinic" stood together in unison. They were all surprised by each others attendance.

A short, male usher handed Nurse Michelle Dickerson a microphone who was standing near the center aisle. She cleared her voice and announced, "Good Morning and praise the Lord!"
The congregation repeated, "Praise the Lord!"
 Michelle continued, "We are all from the Neighborhood Free Clinic better known as "The Clinic." And we are here this morning because the Reverend Jeffrey Brown had extended us an invitation to visit this church during his last visit with us. We also want you to know that we can treat all of your needs, and thank you for having us this morning." Michelle returned the microphone to the usher.

During that moment, Jeffrey wanted to slide out of his throne like chair and drown in the covered baptismal pool beneath him. "Passing out those flyer's about this church at "The Clinic" is by far the dumbest thing I have ever done. What was I thinking? Please, please, God....let this be a bad dream!" Jeffrey thought as the delicate and frail Marketta fainted in her seat.


Until next week, keep praising HIS name!
Sir Charles


"When I read your stories, it is truly like a box of cherries, I NEVER know WHAT I'm gonna get." ~ a regular blog reader


In The BlackIn The Black

Preacher Man

and

Behind Every Dark Cloud - The Critically Acclaimed Novel - The Second Edition

Available at www.xlibris.com www.amazon.com www.barnesandnoble.com - Charles Carroll Lee. Soft cover and ebook.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Small Miracles! (Mellandra Patterson and "The Barbie's")

The lovely Mellandra Patterson was ecstatic to move into her newly renovated office building. During the past several months, Mellandra and her co-workers conducted official business in a temporary location several blocks away. They all referred to their temporary office as a "fish bowl" because the walls were made of glass, and they moved around the edifice like fish in a bowl. One could practically look down the corridor and see another person working in their office.

Mellandra secretly referred to her co-workers as the "Barbie's" because of their long blond hair, railing thin bodies and silicone enhanced breasts. While working in the "fish bowl," Mellandra became a little annoyed because the "Barbie's" would sit at their desks with the office lights turned off. One "Barbie" claimed that she didn't know how to turn on the lights.

On the first day in their new office, the "Barbie's" had miraculously learned to turn on the lights in their new "Dream House" all by themselves. There was no sitting in the dark and no waiting for someone to turn on the lights. "Small miracles!" Mellandra announced as she entered "Barbie's Dream House" for the very first time.

Later that afternoon, Mellandra decided to grab a quick bite to eat and fill up her gas tank at a convenience store several blocks away. After she had pumped a tank of regular gas into her SUV, Mellandra returned to the driver's side of her vehicle, bathed her hands with sanitizer and pulled a large banana from her tote bag. She peeled the fruit very slowly and placed the thick, long banana in her mouth. While her full lips encircled the fruit and turning the ignition switch, Mellandra turned to her left and brought into vision the most handsomest man she has ever seen. He returned Mellandra's lustful stare as he began to pump fuel into his late model sports car. Mellandra held the banana between her delightful lips as she continued her gaze.

After several seconds had passed, Mellandra thought, "I guess I should turn my head, swallow this, eat this banana or spit it out. This is so embarrassing. I wonder what he must think of me." The handsome man thought, "Damn! That girl got some mad skills!"

Behind Every Dark Cloud
Until next week, keep praising HIS name!
Sir Charles

"When I read your stories, it is truly like a box of cherries, I NEVER know WHAT I'm gonna get." ~ a regular blog reader


In The Black

Preacher Man

and

Behind Every Dark Cloud - The Critically Acclaimed Novel - The Second Edition

Available at www.xlibris.com www.amazon.com www.barnesandnoble.com - Charles Carroll Lee. Soft cover and ebook.

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Get Out...Before We Get Arrested!

Sitting inside of her car in a surface parking lot with dozens of other vehicles, Janelle McQueen asked, "So, where do you want to go for lunch?" in Dennis Johnson's direction. She searched for the ignition key on her cluttered key ring and was surprised that she had left her luxury car unlocked.
"Anywhere would be fine with me," Dennis replied as he sat on the passenger's side of Janelle's late model vehicle. With a puzzled look on  his face, Dennis quickly scanned the inside of Janelle's car. Dennis finally said, "I'm glad Sam Harlow, our CEO, is on vacation this week."
Janelle tried to insert the newly found key into the ignition switch and realized that it doesn't fit. "What is wrong with this key?" she asked aloud. "Where did Mr. Harlow go on vacation?"
"Is that the right key?" asked Dennis, ignoring Janelle's last question.
In frustration, Janelle replied, "Yes, it's the key to this vehicle." She then opened her large handbag to retrieve a spare key.

"I think Mr. Harlow went to the Bahamas or somewhere like that. He got mad the other day because he had me embed the wrong YouTube link on his presentation to the board of directors."
Struggling to get the key into the ignition and becoming increasingly frustrated, Janelle asked, "Really? What was the on link, and why is he mad at you?"
"The link was from the cartoon, 'Tom and Jerry.' They were chasing each other - as usual. Mr. Harlow said that I should have asked why he was using a link from a cartoon. I told him that it wasn't my place to question my supervisor. I thought he wanted to add some humor to the presentation. It was horrible enough. He also said that the board of directors probably thinks that he is a little wacko. I didn't disagree," Dennis replied as he looked in the backseat of Janelle's car. He then looked to his left and then his right.

All of a sudden, Janelle shouted, "What is wrong with this car and these keys?! None of them work!"
"Can I ask you a question?"
Exhaling from frustration, Janelle asked, "Yes, what is it?"
"When did you and your husband, Dylan, have another baby?"
"What?! What are you talking about? she asked in a confused state. "We only have Michael, and he's a teenager," stated Janelle.
Gauging his dear friend and co-worker, Dennis replied, "Well, I noticed that there's a child safety seat in the back of this strange vehicle. And there's a car to our right that I think maybe yours with the same color and everything."
"What?!" Janelle shouted as she inspected the backseat and then the interior of the car. Janelle exclaimed, "Oh God! This isn't my car! No wonder the keys didn't work! We are in the wrong one! Get out, Dennis, before we get arrested! Get out! And don't tell anyone about this!" as she made a hasty exit.
"Okay. I won't," replied Dennis as he stumbled out of the strange car while laughing hysterically.

Until next week, keep praising HIS name!
Sir Charles

"When I read your stories, it is truly like a box of cherries, I NEVER know WHAT I'm gonna get." ~ a regular blog reader
In The Black





In The Black

Preacher Man

and

Behind Every Dark Cloud - The Critically Acclaimed Novel - The Second Edition

Available at www.xlibris.com www.amazon.com www.barnesandnoble.com - Charles Carroll Lee. Soft cover and ebook.



Thursday, March 21, 2013

It's New Year's Eve

prgrsvimghttp://ts1.mm.bing.net/th?id=H.4749813905491170&w=207&h=207&c=8&pid=3.1&qlt=90
(Setting: the early morning hours of New Year's Eve at Wal-Mart)

I had just finished lap swimming at the local fitness facility and had decided to dress for a half-day at work. Lotions and heavy creams had failed to cure my dry hands and feet. So, after donning a black pull over sweater and slacks; I drove to the nearest Wal-Mart to purchase a jar of Vaseline. I immediately became excited when noticing that the superstore was practically void of people. "I have this whole, entire place all to myself," I said aloud.

Walking toward the health and beauty section, I scoured the aisles looking for the Vaseline products. Once I found the product, I glanced at my rough, ashy hands and decided to buy the largest jar on the shelf. I took a leisurely walk to the check out aisle with the large jar in hand and thought of stopping at Starbucks for a large cup of iced coffee before traveling on the highway to work. I needed a large dose of caffeine to keep me awake after a one-mile  swim.

As I made my way to the checkout line, there were two customers placing items on the conveyor belt. Each had long permed hair with slender, delicate bodies and bluish/green eyes (I'm certain that they were wearing contact lenses). One customer placed several feminine hygiene bottles on the conveyor belt while the other pulled money from their pocket. I thought, "All of those feminine hygiene bottles. She must be kind of funky down there." After a few seconds, one of the long hair customers turned in my direction until we were face to face. Immediately, I noticed some very subtle attributes. The other customer displayed the same features. Both customers noticed my large jar of Vaseline that I was holding at chest level. They smiled at the sight of it.

Discreetly, I lowered the jar to thigh level. As I studied the bottles moving along the conveyor belt toward the cashier, I thought, "They must be on the 'receiving end.'" Then, I said, "It looks like the two of you are going to get all "cleaned up" for New Year's Eve."
In a deep, rich baritone voice, one of the customer's replied, "Yeah, we sure are."

Until next week, keep praising HIS name!

Sir Charles

"When I read your stories, it is truly like a box of cherries, I NEVER know WHAT I'm gonna get." ~ a regular blog reader


In The Black



In The Black

Preacher Man

and

Behind Every Dark Cloud - The Critically Acclaimed Novel - The Second Edition

Available at www.xlibris.com www.amazon.com www.barnesandnoble.com - Charles Carroll Lee. Soft cover and ebook.

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

He Lost His Pants (It Is Well!)

Note: The following is a story that one of my Facebook friends posted online. I am not sure how true it is, but I thought it was funny enough to share with you.  The storyteller is the Minister of Music at his church and gives his account of this hilarious worship service. However, I did use some creative license in bringing you another blog posting.

If I had not attended church today, I would have missed one of the funniest things that I have ever witnessed. During communion and accompanying the senior choir on the organ while they sung, "Let Us Break Bread Together," I watched the deacons serve the congregation dressed in black suits and white gloves. The pastor and his associates stood at the front of the sanctuary waiting for the deacons to return while the choir continued its soul-stirring rendition of the traditional hymn.

Once the deacons had served the entire congregation, they lined up two by two near the entrance of the sanctuary and began their walk down the center aisle to return their communion trays. As the spiritual leaders made their way toward the communion table, Deacon Thomas Moore's dark, beltless slacks fell around his ankles. In an effort to lose weight before his third marriage to the much younger and vibrant, Tomeka Simms, Deacon Moore went on a liquid diet. The deacon did manage to pull up his slacks with one hand while holding the communion tray with the other. He displayed his polka dot bikini briefs to the pastor, his associates and to the entire congregation. Yes, he has lost a lot of weight...and his pants!

The members of the large Baptist church somehow maintained their composure and respect during the holy communion - except for a few members. After the giggling pastor had delivered the benediction, I began to play a lively rendition of "It Is Well With My Soul" on the massive organ as the entire church burst into wild laughter. Normally, I play the traditional "after communion hymn" of "Blest Be The Tie That Binds."

That entire service was the CROWNING moment of hilarity in my career as a Minister of Music!

Until next week, keep praising HIS name!
Sir Charles

"Your blog postings are like a painting on canvas." ~ A regular blog reader

In The Black

Preacher Man

and

Behind Every Dark Cloud - The Critically Acclaimed Novel - The Second Edition

Available at www.xlibris.com www.amazon.com www.barnesandnoble.com - Charles Carroll Lee. Soft cover and ebook.