Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Some Random Christmas Stuff

Well, I'm writing this blog post on Christmas Day; and I have nothing funny to post as I watch some holiday programs on the television. Daddy, my cousin, Yvonne - always known as "Pig", and Jazz Marie (the dog) are all dead. My turkey fryer refused to ignite, and the vat leaked all of the peanut oil (that oil is expensive, too). So, I had to cook my Christmas turkey the old-fashioned way - in the oven. Actually, I prepared it as though I was going to fry it. And surprisingly, the bird came out moist, juicy and succulent (see photo).

My sister was pleasantly surprised that I gave her a navy-blue sweater for Christmas. She has been asking for one since the 1990's. However, I couldn't find a really nice looking one until last week at J.C. Penney- the Liz Claiborne Collection. Now, all of her dreams have come true - thanks to me. Minutes later after the gift exchange with Mom, my sister and niece, I decided that it was time for some holiday cheer. After some minor convincing, my niece decided to join me in a drink or two. Here's the conversation:

Me: Do you want to have a Christmas drink with me?
Niece: It's not 12 noon, yet. Do you have anything that won't burn my esophagus?
Me: I got water.
Niece: *blank stare*

She indulged in two glasses of "Pinnacle Vodka - Cherry Flavor" with Coca-Cola as a chaser. "It tastes just like a Cherry Coke," she announced. My lovely niece texted me a few hours later and stated that she had to "take to the bed" because she had too much to drink.

Anyway, on Christmas Eve after doing some last minute shopping, I stopped in the liquor store to purchase my usual bottle of Jim Beam bourbon. My buddy, Mike, gave me a bottle for Christmas; but I wanted a back up bottle - just in case. As I perused the aisles, I came across a "Jim Beam Black" display. Since it's Christmastime, I decided to treat myself to something different. I was expecting a ho-hum taste; however, the aged liquor is delightfully dark and smooth without the need for a chaser. It is very flavorful, rich and mature. It will definitely become a valued member of my liquor cabinet.

I did feel a little guilty about buying the bottle of liquor. While sitting in church on the Sunday before Christmas and listening to my pastor concluded his powerful sermon, he announced in his most dynamic voice, "Only Jesus can bring you joy! Not Jack Daniel's! Only Jesus can bring you joy! Not Jim Beam!" Only Jesus can bring you joy!" Joy! Joy! Joooooooooyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!"

So, I'm sitting in my pew with my jaw resting on my chest thinking, "Oh God! Who told him that I like Jim Beam? He must be reading my Facebook posts." I silently prayed, with my best poker face, that none of my fellow church members were looking at me during the climax of the spirit-filled sermon. A few of them may know that I enjoy the taste of bourbon.

And finally...Happy New Year!!!!!

Until next week...keep praising His name!
Sir Charles

"Reading your blogs are really like a box of NEVER know what you're gonna get." ~ a regular blog reader

Behind Every Dark Cloud - The Critically Acclaimed Novel - The Second Edition is now available at - Charles Carroll Lee. Soft cover and ebook.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Which Holiday Is It?

(Read: Michael! and "I Want My Order On Time.)

Lowering his voice a few octaves, Dylan McQueen stated, "Stop playing, boy! I'm not going to tell you anymore!" He wanted to use his "daddy" voice on his teenage son, Michael; so he would know that he mean business. Dylan thought that Michael was getting too strong and playful to wrestle with and was looking for a way to quickly end their weekly wrestling match. His wife, Janelle, sat on the floor near the sofa wrapping presents that she received as payback from Dolores Claiborne. She was practically oblivious to her husband and son wrestling a few feet from her on their spacious family room floor.

As Michael released the wrestling hold from his father and giving him a gentle embrace; the ringing of the land line phone brought Dylan a sweet and wonderful relief. Rushing to study the caller ID, Michael announced to his parents, "It's your Aunt Rose, Dad. Want me to answer it?"
"Yeah, put her on speaker phone. This should be interesting," Dylan replied as he sat on the sofa near Janelle. He whispered, "Buddy is getting too strong to play with, now." She released a soft laugh and continued her wrapping.
Pressing the speaker button on the land line phone, Michael stated, "Hey Aunt Rose!"
"Hey! Is this Dylan Michael?" Aunt Rose asked. She took a gulp of vodka while she waited for an answer.
"Yes ma'am. But, everyone calls me, 'Michael'. Dad calls me 'Buddy.'"
Shaking her glass of vodka-on-the-rocks, Aunt Rose continued, "I know, baby. I like calling you 'Dylan Michael.' Are you playing any sports?"
"Yes, ma'am. I'm on the swim and softball teams."
Aunt Rose replied, "That's wonderful. I'm going to have to come see you swim and play ball." She then asked, "Is your Momma home?"
Turning his attention toward Janelle, she shook her head in the negative and mouthed the word, "No!"
"No, ma'am. She's gone shopping."
"Oh," Aunt Rose stated as she took another gulp of vodka. "What about my favorite nephew - your Daddy? Is he out playing poker?"
"No, Dad plays poker on tomorrow night. And he's right here." Michael shouted, "Dad! Aunt Rose is on the phone!"
"Thanks, Buddy. You didn't have to shout. I'm sitting right here." Dylan directed his attention toward the phone and said, "Hey, Aunt Rose" while Michael decided to answer his text messages.
She answered, "Hi sweetheart! You are my favorite nephew. I miss you." Aunt Rose swirled the ice cubes in her glass as she waited for a response.
"I miss you, too. Hopefully, I'll see you in a couple of days." Dylan thought, "Last week, she told my brother that he was her favorite nephew."
"I hope so," she stated, releasing a hiccup. Continuing to savor her vodka-on-the-rocks, Aunt Rose announced, "Walter and I are going next door to Samantha and Roger Brewer's house for dinner on tomorrow. I hope they turn on the lights. Roger is trying to conserve electricity. One night, Samantha stood naked in the living room lotioning herself with the curtains wide open so she could get some light from the street lights. I'd hate to take a flashlight over there. Who wants to eat in the dark? Plus, they don't drink."
"Ohhhhh, okay. Have you been drinking?"
"No, I'm still drinking. I just wanted to call and wish you and your lovely family a Happy Easter."
Puzzled, Dylan replied, "Happy Easter?"
"Oh hell, Happy Thanksgiving."
"Thanksgiving?" Dylan asked much to his wife and son's amusement.
"New Year's? Which holiday is it?" Aunt Rose asked with another hiccup.
Somewhere in the background, Walter, Rose's husband of forty years shouted, "It's Christmas, woman! It's Christmas!"
"That's right! Christmas!" Aunt Rose stated. "Merry Christmas to you, Dylan."
"And a Merry Christmas to you!" he replied.

Merry Christmas to each and everyone one of you!
Until next week...keep praising His name!
Sir Charles

~In Memory~
The Victims of Sandy Hook Elementary School
Newtown, Connecticut - USA
"Reading your blogs are really like a box of NEVER know what you're gonna get." ~ a regular blog reader

Behind Every Dark Cloud - The Critically Acclaimed Novel - The Second Edition is now available at - Charles Carroll Lee. Soft cover and ebook. Just in time for the holidays!

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

What's Your Password (And When Is Christmas)?

(Read: You Jerk!)

"Hello, this is Dennis Johnson. How may I direct your call?" he said into the main telephone line.
"Hi, Dennis. Why are you answering the main phone line?" Samuel Harlow, the CEO of the non-profit agency, asked.
"Because, it was ringing. And your secretary is away from her desk. So, she transferred the calls to my desk. How may I direct your call?"
"Well, since I got you on the line - can you come to my office, immediately?"
"Hell no!" Dennis thought. "Sure, I'm on my way."

Dennis walked by the absent secretary's desk and lightly tapped on Samuel's door. He announced, "I'm here. What can I help you with?"
Turning from his computer monitor to greet his visitor, Samuel stated, "I need to find some files on my computer for some very important board members. I think you may have somehow erased them. The board members are requesting the files."
Puzzled, Dennis asked, "How would I have erased your files, sir?"
"I know that you back up all of the files in the evening. So, you must have deleted them."
"No, I did not. Let me see if I can find them for you. Can you let me sit in your chair for a moment?"
Hesitantly, Samuel replied, "Well, okay."

Once Dennis was seated in the CEO's chair, he asked, "What's your password?"
"I'm not giving you my password."
"How else will I be able to log onto your system?" asked Dennis.
"You will have to do what you can to find my files. But, you can't have my password. I mean it. Besides, I have to leave for a meeting," replied Samuel.
In anger, "You got be friggin' kidding me...aren't you? You are not giving me your password?! You jerk! I can easily find it!" Dennis thought. He then stated, "Okay, Mr. Harlow. Don't give me your password. I'll do what I can to get into your system without you giving me your password." He thought, "I hate you with every fiber of my being."

Dennis returned to his office and found Samuel's password on his system. He logged onto the CEO's account and found close to one-hundred folders in his system. Dennis opened a folder and realized that there were several more folders within that folder. Each file and folder was named with a series of numbers. He opened several more folders and files and found the exact same thing.

Later that day, Samuel darkened the doorway leading to Dennis' office. He asked, "Did you find my files?"
Mixing lies with the truth, Dennis replied, "Mr. Harlow, I was unable to open your account and nothing has been deleted from your system in quite some time. So, I'm going to call our central office to retrieve your files. What is the name of the file or files that you are looking for?"
"Oh! That's confidential. I can't reveal that to you."
"You can't be this big of an idiot. Can you? All of your files are named with a series of numbers. You don't even know where to look," Dennis thought. He continued, "Sounds fine, sir. Central office will be calling you, shortly. Have a nice day."
"Thanks, Dennis."
Turning toward his computer monitor, Dennis mumbled, "You will never blame me for losing some files that you can't find to the board members. Let central office help you with that crap on your system..."
Interrupting Dennis' incoherent speech, Samuel asked, "By the way, when is Christmas this year? I've just been so terribly busy. I'm losing track of time."
"December 23rd."
"That's right. Thanks."

Until next week...keep praising His name!
Sir Charles

"Reading your blogs are really like a box of NEVER know what you're gonna get." ~ a regular blog reader

Behind Every Dark Cloud - The Critically Acclaimed Novel - The Second Edition is now available at - Charles Carroll Lee. Soft cover and ebook. Just in time for the holidays!