Wednesday, September 26, 2012

We Gotta Go Green!




Read: "My Car Don't Understand Black People"

Samantha Brewer was enjoying her late evening shower. She had finished her household chores (no thanks to her husband, Roger) and had planned for a blissful night of sleep. Samantha opened the small window inside the shower stall to allow the warm summer air to mingle with the warm flowing water. The shower curtain moved in perfect rhythm with the warm breeze. Samantha thought that she was in heaven until she saw Roger's rugged hand enter the shower. He reached for the hot water knob and turned it to the right. Roger repeated this motion with the cold water knob. He withdrew his hand and stated, "You don't need the water coming out that hard and fast."

Disgusted, Samantha dried her body with her plush Canon towel and then made her way to the well-lit master bedroom. She found her favorite scented lotion, sat on the edge of the bed and began to moisturize her body. Suddenly, Samantha found herself sitting in almost total darkness. She only had the dim hall light to partially illuminate the bedroom. Roger announced en route to the kitchen, "You don't need all that light to lotion yourself. We need to conserve water and energy. We don't live in an apartment anymore. We gotta go 'green'!"

Becoming even more disgusted with Roger, Samantha walked completely naked to the semi-dark living room with lotion in hand. She stood in front of the large picture window and pulled back the draperies to give her some light from the outdoor street lamps. Pouring the scented lotion onto her hands, Samantha bent over and moisturized her legs. She then squirted more lotion onto her hands and moisturized her upper body, neck and arms - all while cars, trucks and vehicles passed by the Brewer house. Returning from the kitchen, Roger watched his wife in a state of shock.

"You just gotta show your natural born ass - to the whole damn neighborhood!" Roger exclaimed.
Samantha replied, "And, if you keep turning off the lights and turning off my water...this is what going to happen every night!"

To be continued....

In the meantime, until next week - keep praising HIS name!
Sir Charles

"Your blog postings are like a Sunday morning paper with a cup of coffee." ~ A regular blog reader.

Coming Soon:
Behind Every Dark Cloud
The Critically Acclaimed Novel
The Second Edition

All of my books and ebooks are available at http://www.iuniverse.com/ and http://www.xlibris.com/ - Charles Carroll Lee.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

You're Still A Jerk


Read: "I'm Glad To Be Of Service (You Jerk!)"

Standing in front of Dennis Johnson's office the next day, Samuel Harlow, CEO, announced, "You didn't do a very good job of fixing my mouse like I thought you did."
"What do you mean, Mr. Harlow? I inserted some 'mouse' batteries into your mouse as you instructed. What happened?" Dennis asked, peering over his eyeglasses.
Samuel replied, "My mouse is broken. Come to my office."

Dennis followed Samuel to his cluttered office. The secretary was still on her lunch break. Samuel sat behind  his desk, turned toward his computer monitor, found a document and covered his mouse with his large hand.

He stated, "Like I said...my mouse is broken. See, when I click the mouse; my thumb hits this little side button. Then things get messed up," as Dennis watched Samuel's every movement.
"Why don't move your thumb so you don't hit that side button? And, you should just left click or either right click on the mouse instead of clicking them both at the same time," Dennis offered.
"That doesn't make much sense, Dennis," Samuel replied. He continued, "This mouse is just broken. I need a new one."
"No,  you don't, sir. You are clicking both sides of the mouse with your fingers, and your thumb is touching the side button. I watched you. That's why nothing is happening on your document.  Would you like for me to order you a brand new wireless mouse? It may be a little easier to use."
"No, damn it! I need a brand new mouse!  This is broken!"
"You friggin' jerk! You don't need a new mouse! You need to left click or right click only or better yet - watch what you are friggin' doing with your fingers! You are getting on my friggin' nerves!" Dennis yelled, internally. He then stated, "Alright, Mr. Harlow. I will get you a brand new mouse by morning," as he strolled out of Samuel's office.

The next morning, Dennis eased into the storage room. He found a computer mouse, wiped it off until it had a soft shine and carried it to Samuel's office. He removed the current mouse and installed the newly found mouse onto the CEO's desktop. The mice were practically identical to one another except for the color. Dennis was glad that the Samuel had not arrived, yet. Later that day, Samuel returned to Dennis' office.

"Thanks, Dennis for the brand new mouse. It's great and works perfectly. I like the color, too. Blue is my favorite. See, I told you that I needed a new one."
Peering over his eyeglasses, Dennis replied, "Oh, you are quite welcome, sir. Will there be anything else?"
"No, just keep up the good work," Samuel replied as he returned to his office.
"You're still a jerk," Dennis thought to himself.

In the meantime, until next week - keep praising HIS name!
Sir Charles

"Your blog postings are like a Sunday morning paper with a cup of coffee." ~ A regular blog reader.

All of my books and ebooks are available at http://www.iuniverse.com/ and http://www.xlibris.com/ - Charles Carroll Lee.

Monday, September 10, 2012

I'm Glad To Be Of Service (You Jerk!)



"I need some batteries for my desktop mouse," Samuel Harlow, the chief executive officer of a non-profit agency, said to Dennis Johnson immediately after lunch. Samuel prides himself on being a computer geek.
Dennis replied, "Sure, I have some double A batteries in my desk drawer."
"No, you don't understand. Specifically, I need mouse batteries for my mouse - not regular double A batteries," Samuel retorted.
Puzzled, Dennis stated, "Your mouse uses regular batteries, Mr. Harlow."
"No, it does not. All computer mice (assuming the plural for a PC mouse is 'mice' and not 'mouses') use mouse batteries only, Dennis. You know they sell mouse batteries for computer mice," Samuel announced.
"Where did you get that from? Look, you little jerk! I have a bachelor's and a master's degree in information systems technology. There is no such thing as a 'mouse' battery. They generally use regular double A batteries. Yours is one of them. If it did not, I would be one of the first to know. You got that?" Dennis thought to himself. He then said, "Okay, sir. I will install some 'mouse' batteries into your mouse. Will there be anything else?"
In a snappy tone, Samuel replied, "No, that will be all. Please, hurry up and install the mouse battery. I've got some work to do. "
"Will do," replied Dennis.

Dennis marched to his office and sat behind his desk. His chest was heaving from his encounter with the CEO. "You jerk!" he whispered within the confines of his office. Dennis opened his top desk drawer and retrieved a new package of Eveready AA Lithium Batteries. He turned toward his desktop and designed a label that read, "Mouse Batteries." Dennis smoothed the office made label over the unopened package. He then mumbled, "I did a great job in creating this label. This battery package looks almost store bought."

Refusing to have any more encounters with Samuel the CEO, Dennis waited for him to leave the building for his 2:00 p.m. meeting. He eased past the absent secretary's desk and entered Samuel's cluttered office. Dennis sat behind the desk and lifted the mouse from its pad. Removing the back panel, Dennis picked out the old double A batteries with his fingers and inserted the brand new Eveready AA Lithium Batteries into the device. He replaced the back panel and left the office made battery package on Samuel's desk. Dennis returned to his office to complete some work related projects.

Later that afternoon, Samuel stood in front of Dennis' office with a smug expression on his face. He had a statement to make.

"Dennis, my mouse is working just perfectly. See, I told you that it uses only mouse batteries. And, you have found some as well," Samuel replied as he held the office made battery package. He continued, "Thank you very much."
"You're welcome, sir. I'm glad to be of service," Dennis replied.


In the meantime, until next week - keep praising HIS name!
Sir Charles



All of my books and ebooks are available at http://www.iuniverse.com/ and http://www.xlibris.com/ - Charles Carroll Lee.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

A Woman of Ill-Repute ( Like A Faucet)


"Well, he went into the kitchen and returned with "Wine-In-A-Box," Florena stated as we ate nachos on the patio deck.
"Wine-In-A-Box?" I repeated, dipping a nacho into a salsa dip. "I haven't seen one of those in years," I added.
"Yes, that's what I said," replied Florena. She continued, "I think the box was almost empty. So, I had to tell him to 'Tip it, Malcolm.'"
Trying not to smile at Florena's last statement, I asked, "How did you meet him?"
"Online. He likes big girls, and he's sixty-two years old. Do you think he's too old for me?"
"Sixty-two?" I repeated. After a brief thought, I stated, "Actually, you act and walk like a sixty-two year old....sometimes. So, the two of you may be the same age....physically," as I took a long gulp of my bourbon.
Biting into a nacho, Florena said, "Yes, I do have some knee problems which slows me down quite a bit. Anyway, he didn't serve any snacks with the Wine-In-A-Box; and he wanted OS."
"OS?" I asked.
Whispering, Florena said, "Oral Sex. I then told him that I don't give blow jobs."
Smiling so much that my face began to hurt, I asked, "You don't? Really?"
"No! At least not with a stranger. I don't want him to think that I'm a 'Woman of Ill-Repute.' Plus, he has ED."
"ED?" I asked, guzzling more bourbon and eating another nacho immediately thereafter.
"Erectile Dysfunction, Charles. He didn't take his little pill before I showed up," offered Florena.
"You now, Florena...this is too much information. I know I'm going to hate myself for asking this question, but then what happened?"
"He wanted to cuddle and lick me."
"Oh."
"I told him that cuddling leads to other things that I didn't want to happen. That wasn't I came over for. But, we cuddled, anyway. Then he licked me 'down there.' He kept the ceiling light on the whole time."
"Oh yeah?" I offered, not knowing what else to say.
Florena gauged my facial expression and stated, "Yep. While he was doing oral sex on me, he said, 'I'm like a 'faucet' down there. So wet. Flowing like a raging river'...." as she listened to me choke on my 'good' bourbon. She continued during my coughing spell, "I don't think I'll be going over to his house, anymore. No snacks. Boxed wine. And a bright ceiling light. I hope you don't post this escapade on your blog, either."


In the meantime, until next week and keep praising HIS name!
Sir Charles



All of my books and ebooks are available at http://www.iuniverse.com/ and http://www.xlibris.com/ - Charles Carroll Lee. They will also make for some nice summer readings. Just saying...)