Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Ahhhhhh!!!!!



Normally, I don't promote businesses on my blog other than that time I was trying to find a birthday gift at Macy's Department Store and Verizon for my sister, Mrs. Dyson - which reminds me that her birthday is coming up on next Tuesday. And no, I'm not getting her a grave marker. However,  I wouldn't mind promoting a reputable business on my blog - if they pay me a nice, hefty fee.

Anyway, after I had left the gym for a late afternoon workout; I decided to try the new rave, Sweet Frog. They are the sellers of premium frozen yogurt. Some of my cousins, friends and co-workers almost swear it's the best thing on earth. I figured that it was only yogurt.

Walking into the well-illuminated pink and green establishment, I was warmly greeted by a tall slender teenager. I'm guessing that his name is Brad. That's what I called him, and he didn't correct me, either. And, no there was no name tag. But, I had a serious question for Brad.

"Hello, this is my first time here. What do I do, first, Brad?" I announced, entering the cool building.
"Welcome, sir!" Brad shouted from behind the topping bar. "First, you keep walking; get a cup and select the yogurt flavor that you want. We have a variety to choose from. Then, you come over here and select as many toppings as you want. And then, you weigh your yogurt and pay for it for thirty-nine cents a pound," he offered.
"Okay! Thank you!" I shouted in return.

I followed Brad's instructions to the letter by choosing the peanut butter flavored yogurt with hot fudge and strawberry toppings. My order totaled $5.83. I wondered how much it would've cost if I had added the crumbled cookies? Sitting on a small seat probably meant for a young child, I began to savor my concoction. The taste was so divine...so heavenly....so delightful. I can't remember the last time I felt that way. Unfortunately, a young father and his two daughters decided to sit next to me as I lifted the cup to my face and scraped the last drop of yogurt into my mouth. I even moaned, groaned and made a slurping noise.The young family watched me from the corner of their eyes.

This experience was too magnificent and too amazing not to share with the world. So, I posted the following on Facebook: "I almost had an orgasm in Sweet Frog. It's so delicious. So divine. Ahhhhhhhh!!!!! " Within a matter of seconds of posting the above statement; I had received approximately fifteen likes and forty-five comments. Some of the posted comments were:

Friend #1: Your orgasm?
Friend #2:  I sooo know that feeling!
Friend #3:  I didn't know they sold those there.
Friend #4: OMG!!!!!!!!!!!! Where is this place located??
Friend #5: Almost doesn't count! Go back until......
Friend #6: That's it...I know I'm heading there.
Friend #7: You don't REMEMBER what an orgasm is.......
Friend #8: CHARLES!! Is that a new flavor??? Lol

I was excited to see all of those replies. However, if I had posted, "Wishing each of you a great day!" No one would've responded. Mention something sex related and everyone has something to say. Go figure.

In the meantime, until next week and keep praising HIS name!
Sir Charles



All of my books and ebooks are available at http://www.iuniverse.com/ and http://www.xlibris.com/ - Charles Carroll Lee. They will also make for some nice summer readings. Just saying...)

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Misprints in Church Bulletins (The Church Announcements - Part 2)

  1. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double doors at the side entrance.
  2. The 2012 Spring Council Retreat will be hell on May 10 and 11.
  3. Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to the church secretary.
  4. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
  5. The associate minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: “ I Upped My Pledge—Up Yours.”
  6. Men's Prayer Breakfast. No charge, but your damnation will be gratefully accepted.
  7. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
  8. Thursday at 5:00 PM, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his private study.
  9. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and request tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
  10. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy!"

Until next week, Keep praising HIS name!
Sir Charles

 (Reprinted from: klenger.net/humor/misprints.html;
stephengregory.blogspot.com; church-bulletin community.beliefnet.com)



All of my books and ebooks are available at http://www.iuniverse.com/ and http://www.xlibris.com/ - Charles Carroll Lee. They will also make for some nice summer readings. Just saying...)




Wednesday, August 15, 2012

It's Hard Pulling This Thing Down...





Henrietta Barker, short in height with large hips and a rear end to match, shuffled into the office building carrying a large amount of items in a tote bag. No one is exactly sure what Henrietta hauls to work each day in her well-used tote bag. Once she arrived at her office door, she recited her normal mantra as she searched for her key on the cluttered and heavy key ring.

"I'm so tired. I can't wait until I retire."
Michael Jones asked as he walked down the corridor, "How much longer do you have?"
Henrietta replied, "Two more years. And it can't get here fast enough," entering her junky office.

After she had entered her office and dropped her tote bag on the floor, Henrietta shuffled to the break room for her normal cup of coffee with plenty of cream and sugar. Some of Henrietta's co-workers always mention that her coffee looks more like a vanilla milkshake. Returning to her office, Henrietta silently complained that her husband was not paying her enough attention and that she needed some serious love and affection.

During the next couple of hours, Henrietta responded to emails and completed some over due paperwork. She then had a thought. "I'll go to the ladies room and do what I need to do," she mumbled. No one had noticed Henrietta going the ladies room. She entered the stall, closed the door and turned the latch to further secure herself within the enclosure.

Inside the stall, Henrietta moaned, "Mmmmmm......Ahhhhhh.....Damn!" again and again followed by heavy breathing. .

A few seconds later, Denise Preen eased into the ladies room, entered the adjoining stalled, closed and secured the door. She took her position on the commode. Denise heard some clear, audible sounds with heavy breathing from the next cubicle.

"Ahhhhhhh....Mmmmmmm.....Oh my.....Mmmmmm," Henrietta chanted.

Denise leaned from the commode to see what was happening in the next stall. She narrowed her eyes and continued to listen to the moans, groans and heavy breathing wafting from the stall. Denise wondered if someone was having sex in the ladies room. However, she noticed only one pair of shoes. Denise had surmised that one of her co-workers was masturbating. Finally noticing the shoes because she had seen them on more than one occasion, Denise had a question.

"Henrietta Barker? Is that you?"
"Mmmmm....Ahhhhh.....Damn...Yes, it's me. What do you want? I'm busy. Mmmmmm...."
"What in the world are you doing over there? Masturbating?" Denise asked from her restroom stall.
Henrietta replied, "No, I'm trying to pull down my girdle so I can pee. It's hard pulling this thing down over my hips," as Denise broke into a laugh that echoed throughout the entire office from her restroom stall.

Until next week, Keep praising HIS name!
Sir Charles


In Memory

Jazz Marie ~ My Beloved Dog ~ 1997 - 2012.


All of my books and ebooks are available at http://www.iuniverse.com/ and http://www.xlibris.com/ - Charles Carroll Lee. They will also make for some nice summer readings. Just saying...)


Wednesday, August 8, 2012

The Church Announcements (Part 1)



The following is a recap of my weekly announcements during church service:

"On behalf of our Pastor who wearing all of that red on the rostrum, welcome to our church service this morning."

"... And now, it's time for the church announcements:"

"Today, we are selling t-shirts for the annual church picnic and church anniversary. The cost is ten dollars, and the sizes range from small to extra large. However, I'm not really sure who needs a "small". We also have triple-X sizes, as well. There will be an extra two dollars for the plus sizes. If you don't want to pay that amount for a plus size - you can go on a diet this week."

(A cell phone rings from within the congregation.)

"And speaking of the church's anniversary, next Sunday will be casual Sunday. Feel free to dress comfortably. However, men should wear shirts, and no Daisy Duke shorts or halter tops for the ladies...just saying."

(The cell phone rings, again. I am becoming slightly annoyed.)

"The Men's Ministry is sponsoring their annual "Men Who Cook Contest "next month. This means that we only want original recipes. Please, do not bring anything out of a can, cooked on a hot plate, or on a George Foreman Grill."

"Our special church dinner will be held on the fourth Wednesday. The cost will be four dollars per person. If you don't pay; you will have to sit in the back of the fellowship hall and eat peanuts and mints and drink water with the Pastor."

"And that concludes the church announcements for this morning."

(The cell phone rings, again.)

"I think Jesus is trying to call SOMEBODY this morning." (Widespread laughter and applause as I take a bow and wave.)

After I had returned to my seat; my niece, Noir, leans over and states, "You know, we were not applauding you for your performance. We were clapping because you were finally finished with the announcements. And you were just standing up their waving and bowing. Really, uncle..."

Until next week, keep praising HIS name! Peace and Blessings Always!
Sir Charles



All of my books and ebooks are available at http://www.iuniverse.com/ and http://www.xlibris.com/ - Charles Carroll Lee. They will also make for some nice summer readings. Just saying...)





Wednesday, August 1, 2012

I'm Going To Cast A Spell On You (Season Premiere)

Troy, lonely for female companionship, uploaded his photograph, stats and hobbies on one of those online dating sites. Troy is a little quirky; yet, comical and delightful. It's hard not to like him. A few days after uploading his profile, Troy was pleasantly surprised by the number of hits and comments that he received each day. However, there was one young woman that had completely captivated him. Her name was Sheila, and she was everything that Troy had hoped for in a woman. Sheila lives in South Carolina and Troy lives in Nevada.

Troy and Sheila exchanged telephone numbers and talked to each other every single day of the week. Sometimes, they would talk for more than an hour and giggled like silly school kids. The two lovebirds talked about everything and came to know each other very intimately. Troy and Sheila had no secrets between them and their conversations were never boring.

After six months had passed, the couple believed that they were deeply in love. Troy wanted to meet this exquisite woman face-to-face. Sheila had even suggested that they meet in Chicago, Illinois. She thought it would be a good half-way point. After more days of delightful conversations, Sheila had a question for her beloved.

"I need some money!" she demanded.
"What?" asked Troy. He was taken aback by Sheila's new demeanor.
"Did I stutter, muther fucker!?"
Searching for the right words, Troy asked, "Where is all of this coming from? How much do you need?"
"5000 dollars! You can wire it to me right, now!" demanded Sheila.
"I don't have that kind of money," Troy replied.
"You are going to be so damn sorry for that," offered Sheila.
"What do you mean?"
"I'm going to cast a spell on you."
"Huh?"
"Voodoo. Black Magic. Have you heard of that? I will make sure it brings you instant pain or death."

Days later he began receiving calls from a certified "Voodoo-ist" - as Troy refers to him. The "Voodoo-ist" asked, "Are you dead, yet?"
"Ummmmm....nope. I'm on the phone talking to you - aren't I?," Troy replied.
After another day had passed, the "Voodoo-ist" called and asked again, "Are you dead, yet?"
Troy replied, "No, not yet. Keep trying."
"I don't understand. You should be dead by now. Well, I'll have to cast another spell or mix another magic potion..." the Voodoo-ist said.
"Have at it," offered Troy.

Needless to say, Troy deleted his profile from the online dating site. And, he tolerated the calls from the "Voodoo-ist" for a few more days until Troy threatened to press criminal charges. The
"Voodoo-ist" never blocked his cell number. Now, it's back to the old drawing board for Troy.

Until next week, keep praising HIS name!
Sir Charles

All of my books and ebooks are available at http://www.iuniverse.com/ and http://www.xlibris.com/ - Charles Carroll Lee. They will also make for some nice summer readings. Just saying...)