Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Who Does She Think She Is?


There has been some bad weather around the eastern half of the United States. First, there was Tropical Storm Debby swirling around in the Gulf Coast. I heard someone say that if meteorologists want U.S. residents to take Debby seriously, then perhaps they should have given her a more intimidating name - like Tropical Storm Deborah. Debby reminds people of the seventies porn flick, "Debbie Does Dallas" or even those delicious "Little Debbie Snack Cakes." When I hear the name "Debby," I think of "Debbie Downer." So, who could be afraid of "Debbie" or "Debby?"

Secondly, this past week, most of Virginia was under a severe weather alert. Tornadoes, wind and severe storms were imminent. Once the National Weather Service had issued a warning; my entire office building was corralled into the first floor fitness room like a herd of overweight cattle. There were a few  co-workers to include Clara Kenney who were exempt from being held hostage because they were on "emergency duty." My co-workers took a few moments to examine the fitness room with awe and amazement. It was the very first visit for most of them after being in our new building for about three years, now. Some even acted as though they were allergic to the exercise equipment.

Once, we were shephered into the seldom used fitness room; our shepherd, Clara Kenney, announced, "No one is to leave this room until 3:15 p.m. I mean it!" in her loudest voice. She then exited the room and closed the door behind her.

Toward no one in particular, I asked, "Who does she think she is?"
"Clara Kenney," Linda Banks, replied.
Noticing, Velma Jenkins standing on the treadmill, I said, "Velma, you need to turn on that treadmill and stop standing on it. It'll do you a world of good."
Velma snarled at my statement as Linda offered her bowl of grapes, cheese and crackers. I answered, "I think we may want to wait and see how long Clara Kenney holds us hostage in this little room. If she doesn't let us go by 7 p.m., I will have one grape. We may have to ration your snacks."
Laughing out loud, Linda added, "And I will eat a half of a cracker."

Minutes passed as co-workers began to complain of the heat and being claustrophobic. Clara Kenney made another appearance and another weather update. She announced, "Each of you have to stay here for five more minutes! No one is to leave this room!" She turned to leave the stuffy room.
I asked aloud, "And just where are you going, Clara Kenney?"
"I'm watching the weather from the front desk," she answered.
"You better get your hind parts back in this room with the rest of us," I commanded.
"No! I have to see if the tornado is coming. People are getting wet! The front door flew wide open! And some man got drenched!" Clara retorted.
"So, who put you in charge of the tornado?" I asked as everyone released an audible laugh. 
"I'm just trying to be helpful."
"One more time, who put you in charge of the tornado?"
"The emergency preparedness coordinator. I hate you with every fiber of my being, Charles Lee."
"I know right. What are you going to do if a tornado actually hits, Clara?"
"Huh?" was her reply.
"Did I stutter?"
"I'm going to come in here," Clara replied.
"Now, you want to come in here," I offered with a slight smile.
Linda added, "You know, Charles, I think we can both take Clara Kenney with no problem. I'm from New Jersey."
"I'll kneel down behind her and you can push her from the front," I offered with a smirk on my face.

Finally, we were released from the fitness room, with all of my co-workers remaining the exact same size and weight as they had entered it. I had hoped that some of them would have passed the time away by actually turning on the treadmill and using the strength conditioning equipment instead of using them as a seat. But, no such luck. All I got was Clara Kenney, the Shepherd and Tornado Watcher.

Until next week....Keep praising HIS name!
Sir Charles

All of my books and ebooks are available at http://www.iuniverse.com/ and http://www.xlibris.com/ - Charles Carroll Lee. They will also make for some nice summer readings. Just saying...)



Wednesday, June 20, 2012

You Are Insatiable


"I know you want to eat it," Natasha stated as she sat across from me.
"You always want me to eat it," I answered. "We do it too much. And I almost had an orgasm after I ate it the last time," after a brief pause.
"You think so?"
"Yes. "How many times do we do it in a week?"
"I dunno," answered Natasha.
Gazing at Natasha, I said, "We do it at least four to five times each week. That's unreal."
"We only live once. And, you go to the gym and run, swim, bike ride and lift weights every day," offered Natasha. She stirred her dark drink with her straw; lifted it from the glass and seductively licked the stirrer.
"Yeah. But, I don't want to keel over and die before my time," I offered while taking another sip of my drink. "Have you heard from Loretta?"
"Yes, she is still having some female problems," Natasha answered.
"Really?"
"She and her husband won't be able to do "it" for awhile. He's way older than she is and has some health problems as well. I hope they have some fond memories they can reflect on in the meantime."
I answered, "Me too. At least they will have their - (breaking out in song)  Memries like the corners of my mind/Misty water colored memories/ Of the way we were. Now, I'm going to be humming Barbra Streisand's  The Way We Were all day long."

Laughing at my statement, Natasha continued, "I want it - Now, Charles."
"Don't you ever quit? You are insatiable," I said.
"I know you ain't talking," replied Natasha as she cut me a sly look.
"At least I know when to call a time out. What do you think I'm made out of?" I inquired and not expecting an answer.
"Huh?" was Natasha's reply.
After some thought, I acquiesced, "Okay, let's do it one more time - and that's it for the week."

Unaware that Juanita Green was listening to my conversation with Natasha at a small table in Starbucks, I was taken aback when she interrupted.

"What are the two of you talking about?" asked Juanita.
I answered with a bite in my voice, "We are talking about eating those doughnuts in the display case. We eat them at least five times a week and that's too much."
"What did you think we were talking about?" Natasha asked her good friend, Juanita.
"Huh? Nothing," Juanita answered in a high-pitched voice.
I offered, "You thought we were talking about sex. Didn't you? Now, get your mind out of the gutter," as Natasha and Juanita joined me in a robust laugh.

Until next week....Keep praising HIS name!
Sir Charles

All of my books and ebooks are available at http://www.iuniverse.com/ and http://www.xlibris.com/ - Charles Carroll Lee. They will also make for some nice summer readings. Just saying...)


Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Nature's Candy


My co-workers love candy; especially those wrapped in an attractive wrapper and nestled in a cute little dish on someone's desk. It must be the shine of the glass dish and the "attention-getting" wrapper that makes them love it so much. It's like they go into a hypnotic trance when they see a glass dish.


"Come to me! Come to me! Come!" the candy dish beckons.
"I will. I gladly obey," is a co-worker's monotone response.

I had an idea once. I would purchase some beautifully wrapped chocolate covered pitted prunes and place them in some candy dishes throughout the office. I am sure my co-workers would think that they are simply delicious. It's not like they are going to read the wrapper or anything. They would hastily unwrap the medium sized morsel, place it in their mouth and chew. A few co-workers may even go for seconds and thirds and fourths. Then, I would just sit back and watch what happens. I guess that would be pretty obvious - wouldn't it? They say prunes are "Nature's Candy."

One day a friend, Thomasine Harris Shelton, began to suffer from constant diarrhea. Morning, noon and night Thomasine sat on her porcelain throne. Because of her constant trips to the bathroom, Thomasine was forced to take a few days off from work. She had even wiped herself raw, and now it was hard for her to sit comfortably. Thomasine blamed the "rawness" on the double-ply bathroom tissue. "This toilet paper feels like sandpaper. It will tear your ass up!" she said aloud. Later that night while watching television, she reached into her handbag and proceeded to consume a few snacks.

After a few days and no relief, she decided to visit Doctor Aaron Graves.  However, Thomasine was excited that she had lost a few pounds. But, she didn't want to lose it all in the bathroom. Doctor Graves asked the worried Thomasine Harris Shelton a series of health related questions and then ordered some tests. He didn't seem overly concerned other than the noxious smell that was oozing from his patient. Thomasine's Estee Lauder perfume could not mask her problem.

Days later, Thomasine returned for her medical follow-up. As usual, she ate a snack from her handbag before entering the office. Minutes later, she was escorted to the exam room and had her blood pressure and temperature taken by the young nursing assistant. Doctor Graves entered the exam room following the assistant's departure.

"Well, it looks like nothing is wrong. Your metabolic profile is normal," he said.
"Thank God," Thomasine said.
Doctor Graves continued, "Your liver looks fine, too. And you just had a colonoscopy. That was normal. I'm not sure why you are having diarrhea. What are you eating?"
"I eat oatmeal for breakfast. A nice salad for lunch and chicken, fish or a lean cut of beef for dinner with a vegetable and a baked potato," offered Thomasine.
"Snacks?" asked Doctor Graves.
Reaching into her handbag and pulling out a large plastic bag like a magician pulling a rabbit out of a hat, Thomasine replied, "I eat these between meals."
With wide-eyed amazement, "Where did you get these?" Doctor Graves asked.
"The store."
"Do you know what these are?" the doctor asked as he examined the contents of the bag.
"Chocolate candy. A friend of mine named Charles Lee told me they were chocolate candy."
"No. They are dried prunes! I think we've found your problem!" Doctor Graves confirmed with a boisterous laugh.
"Oh my. I knew I shouldn't have listened to him. I was eating those prunes like peanuts, too," said a relieved Thomasine.

I didn't think Thomasine believed me when I told her it was "chocolate candy." I guess I have a trusting face and demeanor....(Okay, so a tiny bit of this blog posting is untrue...)

Until next week....Keep praising HIS name!
Sir Charles

All of my books and ebooks are available at http://www.iuniverse.com/ and http://www.xlibris.com/ - Charles Carroll Lee. They will also make for some nice summer readings. Just saying...)






Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Where Was I Last Night?

I drove into town at 60 miles per hour. The highways and byways were surprisingly free from accidents and breakdowns on this partly cloudy Friday afternoon. I had found my exit ramp, traveled a couple of miles and then parked my vehicle in front of my favorite bar for happy hour.

As usual, I received the normal greeting from the waitstaff - similar, to the television show, Cheer's waitstaff yelling, "Norm!" when he walked into the fictional bar. I began to wonder if I am developing a drinking problem. But, I'm going to believe that the waitstaff at Maria's enjoy my company and sense of humor. Chad, the bartender, had just finished pouring a glass of Jim Beam with just a splash of water and gently placed it on the oak bar accented with turquoise colored tiles. I promptly sat behind the glass.

Patrons easily flowed in and out of the quaint establishment for dine in or take-out pizza while I enjoyed another glass of Jim Beam bourbon. After a few moments, a short, full figured woman with large hips and booty entered the bar area and jumped onto a bar stool. She conversed with the owners, ordered a drink and waited for her "to-go"order. Once her "to-go" order had arrived; she swallowed her last few drops of liquor and placed the glass on the bar. I'm guessing that because she was so short with plenty of hips that she had to jump off the high bar stool. And, yes she landed safely on both feet. 

Finishing my second drink, I turned toward the large picture window and noticed that darkness had covered the City of Petersburg. I thought, "I had no idea it was that late. Plus, it's raining really hard, too." I then said aloud, "Chad, pour me one more for the road - while I can still see the road. I might as well stay until it stops raining."

Some time later, I had paid my tab, left a generous tip and drove to my house. En route, I had noticed that the sun was now shining - again. "It was dark awhile ago. Maybe I need to stop drinking because I can't tell the difference between night and day - Not!" I said aloud.  Once I pulled into the driveway,  I had noticed that Mr. Pair had mowed the lawn for the week; even though he left a tall weed in the front yard. But, I'm not complaining.  I entered my house, drank some water, put on my pajama bottoms and crawled into bed. And, that is where I stayed until the next morning at 6:00 a.m.

Yawning and stretching and trying to recollect the previous evening, I turned on the Samsung flat screen television, poured myself a large glass of water and found the local news station ready to report about a devastating event in the city. "I wondered what happened?" I asked myself. After a thousand commercials, the young broadcaster announced that the City of Petersburg had been ravaged by a tornado on last evening causing one-million dollars in damages.

"What?" I said toward the television screen. "A tornado?!? Where was I last night? How did I miss a tornado?" I asked myself over and over again.

Before, I had finished my first glass of water, I remembered, "Oh! I was at the bar drinking liquor during the tornado. I wondered why it got so dark so early. All of that devastation going on around me, and my face was buried in a glass of liquor....."

Until next week....Keep praising HIS name!
Sir Charles

All of my books and ebooks are available at http://www.iuniverse.com/ and http://www.xlibris.com/ - Charles Carroll Lee. They will also make for some nice summer readings. Just saying...)