Wednesday, May 30, 2012

I Tore It Up....Now, I Got To Buy A New One

Florena and I sat inside Sal's Restaurant waiting for our dinner order. She waited for the chicken philly hoagie as I wondered if they had decided to grow my house salad with grilled chicken. I became a little miffed at the extremely slow service considering we were the only two dine-in customers. Florena noticed the scowl on my face.

"You know, this is the first time that we had to wait for our order," she offered.
Sighing to cover my growling stomach, I answered, "I guess you're right. A first time for everything." I continued, "So, what's been going on," as I took a long drink of water. I had hoped that it would fill me up for a few more minutes.
"Nothing much. I've been on the phone chat line," said Florena.
"Again?" I replied, sarcastically.
"I don't use the phone chat line that much. Plus, it was ladies night the other day. So, I didn't have to pay to use it," Florena said as our dinner order finally arrived.
"Thank God! Finally!" I exclaimed. "I felt my blood sugar drop."
After laughing at my statement and blessing the food, Florena continued, "One of the dudes I was chatting with came over to the house."
"What?" I asked, taking a bite of the grilled chicken.
"You heard me. Well, I was horny. Anyway, he likes to be spanked."
"You spanked him?"
"Hell, yeah! I had him crying like a baby!"
Choking on my food and filling the empty restaurant with laughter, I finally said, "You're lying?"
"No, I'm  not. I reached inside my closet and pulled out my paddle and whip and tore that ass up! It felt good, too. I'm so stressed out at work, and spanking him was a good stress reliever," Florena said as a matter of fact.
With tears rolling down my face and feeling it ache from smiling, I asked, "Then what else happen?"
"Nothing. He quite 'enjoyed' being spanked - if you know what I mean. Did I tell you that he's a deacon at his church?" asked Florena as she took another bite of her hoagie.
"No," I whispered because my chest was aching from laughter. "You spanked a church deacon?" I finally uttered.
"Yep. And I can't wait to spank that ass again. I got three high level meetings next week, and I'll need to release some stress. So, I was still horny after he left. I reached in my nightstand and pulled out one of my vibrators and used it for a few seconds. Then, it stopped working. I got mad; changed the batteries; stuck it back in and it wouldn't come on. All I heard was....hmmmmmm......click....click...click. It was broke. I banged it on the nightstand and it still wouldn't work. I know I'm a big girl. But, dang! It broke, Charles! Now, I got to buy a new one. I was trying to save my money..."
Laughing like it would be my last laugh, Florena said, "It's not that funny."
"Yes it is!" I muttered between fits of laughter.
"I sincerely hope that you're not going to post this on your blog, Charles."
I thought, "This story may be too good to pass up." I then said, "If I do, don't reply to the blog because people may put two and two together and realize that it's you."

Until next week....keep praising HIS name!
Sir Charles

(All of my books and ebooks are available at http://www.iuniverse.com/ and http://www.xlibris.com/ - Charles Carroll Lee. They will also make for some nice summer readings. Just saying...)



Wednesday, May 23, 2012

A Dirty Movie


One fall morning, I was so excited to attend my seventh grade health class. My health and physical education teacher, Mr. Craddock, informed the class that we will have a discussion on sex and see a film during our next scheduled class. The girls will have class with Mrs. Petrock, and the boys will remain with him.

After class, a couple of friends and I discussed the potential format for the next class. We all thought that we would watch a pornographic film with the "important" parts blacked out and discuss how to have sex in different positions - missionary, doggy style, and so on. We all had made plans to wear our best clothes and be on our best behavior until after the class. Heaven forbid that Mr. Craddock would cancel our sex talk and not show us a "dirty movie" due to bad behavior. I rushed home that day and called my sister, Belinda, on the phone.

"Hey, we're going to talk about sex in health class on Thursday," I said.
"Really? Did you tell Mom and Daddy?" asked Belinda.
"Heck no! They may get mad and call the school. We're gonna see a 'dirty movie', too," I replied much to Belinda's amusement.
"They're not going to show a 'dirty movie' to elementary school kids," offered Belinda.
"Yes, they are. Mr. Craddock said that we will watch a film," I had replied with confidence.

Thursday's health class finally arrived. I believed we all had arrived at school a little earlier than usual dressed in our good school clothes. I'm not sure why we felt the need to get dressed up to watch a 'dirty movie' and talk about sex. A few of my male class mates had even bathed themselves in "Brut" and "High Karate" cologne. I guess they wanted to smell good for the sex talk. The class ended after fifty minutes, and we all attended the rest of our classes for the day. That evening with Mom at work and Daddy fast asleep on the sofa, I decided to sneak a call to Belinda to give her a recap of my day.

"Hey," I said into the receiver.
"Hey! How did the sex talk and the movie turn out?" asked Belinda.
"Actually, we did see a film. But, it was the actor James Brolin talking about VD (venereal disease or STI) for the entire film. Then Mr. Craddock told us how we can catch it. He said that when he was young if a boy had VD - he had to place his dick on a table and have the doctor hit it with a hammer until it got unclogged."
Trying to suppress a laugh, Belinda offered, "Oh really?"
"Yep. And then Mr. Craddock said that if a guy wanted to find out if a girl had VD or not way back then; they would take the wax out of his ear and stick it up her pussy. If it burned; she had VD," I replied.
Screaming at the top of her lungs, Belinda replied, "What kind of a guy would do that?! And what kind of a girl would let a guy put earwax up her vagina?! Ewwwwwwww!!!!!!"
"I dunno," I answered. "I'm just repeating what I learned in school today. So, all the guys in my class are mad because we didn't get to see a 'dirty movie.' They were real quiet after health class - all day, too. The girls in my class said they saw a film on VD, too. We're having a test on VD next week; so, I have to go study."
"Okay," replied Belinda."
I then said, "I don't think I'll be catching VD. I don't want a doctor hitting me with a hammer," as I ended the call.


Until next week....keep praising HIS name!
Sir Charles

(All of my books and ebooks are available at http://www.iuniverse.com/ and http://www.xlibris.com/ - Charles Carroll Lee. They will also make for some nice summer readings. Just saying...)

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Can't You Marry Someone Else?

"Can we renew our wedding vows?" Roger asked Samantha.
"What was so special about the first wedding to make you think I would want to relive that episode?" asked Samantha.
After a brief moment, Roger replied, "Our anniversary is coming up, and I thought it would be a good idea to recommit ourselves.
"Commit ourselves to a mental hospital," Samantha mumbled as she turned the page of her fashion magazine. She then asked aloud, "Do you remember the first one?"
"What kind of question is that? Of course, I remember," replied Roger sitting next to Samantha on the love seat.
"All I remember thinking was that if I ever get through this ceremony, I would never do this again," offered Samantha.
"What do you mean?"
"Let me refresh your memory, Roger Brewer. Do you remember that suit you were wearing?"
"Yeah. What was wrong with it?" asked Roger.
"It was a light blue, pin-stripped leisure suit. And you wore a pair of sneakers," replied Samantha.
Roger asked, "What was wrong with it? You kept asking me 'Is that what you're wearing?'"
"It was just plain ol' ugly, Roger. That's why I kept asking you that question," replied Samantha. She continued, "And I was dressed in a peach colored dress with a pair of low-heeled shoes because I didn't want to tower over you too much. I'm not going to even mention that I didn't have a bouquet."

Studying his wife as she continued to turn the pages of the magazine, Roger asked, "You wanted a bouquet?"
"Duh! Yes!"
"Oh. Well, you wanna go straight to the honeymoon since we didn't have one?"
"Why? Honeymoons are for making babies. And we already had two children when we got married."
Roger offered, "We sure did. Roger Junior and Paula."

Releasing a sigh, Samantha said," I remember Roger Junior working part-time at Domino's Pizza and bringing home two pepperoni pizzas for our wedding reception. He said it was for me and my new husband. I guess that pizza was supposed to replace a wedding cake. Just saying."

Reminiscing about his wedding to Samantha in her tiny apartment, Roger had another question. "What was up with your granddaddy?"
"He wanted to know what in the heck was I thinking," Samantha replied.
"Huh?"
"My granddaddy asked me, 'Can't you marry someone else?' over and over again with a pistol in his hand. I told him, 'No, I am going to marry Roger Brewer.'"
"Oh yeah? It was too late to have a shotgun wedding. Both of our kids had some size on them by then. What was he going to do with that pistol?"
Samantha said, "Shoot you. But, after much conversation; I talked him out of it. That was your wedding present from me."
"Oh. So, we're not going to renew our wedding vows?"
"No. I can't bear to see you in another leisure suit and sneakers, again. Much less have someone show up with a pistol in hand."

Until next week....keep praising HIS name!
Sir Charles

(All of my books and ebooks are available at http://www.iuniverse.com/ and http://www.xlibris.com/ - Charles Carroll Lee. They will also make for some nice summer readings. Just saying...)




Wednesday, May 9, 2012

The Doctor Is In




Sitting in my favorite watering hole one Friday afternoon after work; a slender, wiry man stumbled into the building and stood for a few moments. The middle-aged man clothes were disheveled, and his hair was tossed about his head. He surveyed the medium-sized dining establishment and nearly jumped out of his skin when the heavy door closed behind him. The wait staff stared at him with a wide-eyed expression. Maria, the young bartender, wondered if she should serve him a drink while I guzzled my Jim Beam bourbon with a splash of water.

The wiry man carefully placed one foot in front of the other and made his way to the immaculate oak bar adorned with turquoise colored tiles. His walk to the bar reminded me of someone taking a sobriety test for a police officer. Once he sat on a bar stool, he asked aloud, "Can I have a drink, please?" Hesitantly, Maria asked for his drink order.

"I'll have a Martini," the drunk man replied.
"Okay. Coming up,"replied Maria. She then looked in my direction and asked, "Charles, would you like another drink?
"Is the Pope Catholic?"
Releasing a soft laugh, Maria asked, "Okay. Do you want it with a lime or lemon?"
"Neither. I had fruit for lunch," I replied. She refilled my glass and seemed to have disappeared into thin air.

Looking in my direction, the man asked, "Hello. What's your name?"
"Charles," I replied. "Yours?"
"Ralph."
"Well, it's good to meet you, Ralph."
"Same here. How long is it going to take for me to get a drink around here?"
"It looks like you've had several already," I thought.
Ralph asked, "Can I tell you something....what's your name again?"
"Charles."
"That's right - Charles. I'm not drunk. People always think that I am."
"Oh yeah?" I replied. "Why would they think such a thing?" I asked myself.
"Yep. I'm actually not drunk like everyone think I am," said Ralph as my buddy Denny Crown entered the bar. He sat on the other side of me and ordered water on the rocks. I had hope that he would be able to drive home safely after drinking all of that water.
"Oh yeah?" I repeated. "Why is that?"
"I suffer from anxiety attacks. I was going to see a therapist two days a week...: Ralph started to say when Maria returned with his Martini. He continued, "Finally. As I said before, I was seeing a therapist two days a week. But, my anxiety attacks got so bad I had to go five days a week. Plus, my cancer medication made my attacks even worse."

"Oh really?" I offered while trying not to laugh. I think the liquor made this encounter a little humorous for me. Denny began to giggle while he consumed his water. Ralph wanted to continue his thoughts.

"I have to pay my therapist one-hundred bucks a session, and my contracting business took a hurting from the economy. But, it's picking back up. Five-hundred bucks a session is a lot to be paying someone. So, my therapist had an idea," Ralph said as he focused his attention on swallowing the Martini in one long gulp.
I whispered to a laughing Denny, "I know I'm gonna hate myself for asking him what is the suggestion."
Ralph released a belch and said, "My therapist told me to find someone during the week to talk to."
"Oh yeah?" I repeated.
"Yep. And, it looks like that someone is you! You can be my bar therapist. I'll even buy you a couple of ......what are you drinking, again?
"Jim Beam."
"Yeah, that's right - Jim Beam."
"Well, in that case; meet me here next week at the same time. You can have a one hour session for two Jim Beams," I offered with my best smile. Denny was now laughing uncontrollably.

Ralph and I shook hands with promises of meeting the following week. I then said to Denny, "I'm going to place a sign on the bar. It will read, "The Doctor Is In. Fee: Two Jim Beams with a splash of water."

Denny laughed so hard that he fainted on the oak and turquoise accented bar.

Until next week...Keep praising HIS name!
Sir Charles

(Just in time for Mother's Day - All of my books and ebooks are available at http://www.iuniverse.com/ and http://www.xlibris.com/ - Charles Carroll Lee. They will also make for some nice summer readings. Just saying...)



Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Hey Johnny! (The Crazy Teenager)

You may have already heard a variation of the following story. When I heard this tale, it really made me smile. I hope you enjoy it.


One Saturday morning, Johnny left his two-story brick home and traveled down the road. Johnny's mother had gone to grocery store and his father was earning some extra money at his part-time job. As usual, Johnny walked by Mr. Glover's house on the right hand side of the newly paved road. Mr. Glover, widowed, had just retired from his job as a factory worker and thought that he would enjoy retirement for just a little while longer until he could find a "fun" job to fill his week days.

"Hey, Johnny!" Mr. Glover shouted from his front porch.
"Hey, Mr. Glover!" Johnny shouted in return.
Noticing something in Johnny's arm, Mr. Glover asked, "What do you have in your arms?"
"Chicken wire," replied Johnny.
"What are you going to do with chicken wire?" asked Mr. Glover.
Johnny said, "I'm going down the road to get some chickens at the bottom of the hill. Do you want to come along and help me catch some?"
"No, thank you," Mr. Glover replied. After a few moments, he mumbled softly, "Crazy teenager."

Sometime later, Johnny returned home passing Mr. Glover's house. Looking out his front window, Mr. Glover noticed that Johnny had an armful of chickens wrapped in chicken wire. "Well, I'll be darned. He caught some chickens with that chicken wire," he said to himself. The following weekend, Johnny made his normal trip. Mr. Glover was busily watering his flowers in the front yard. He had a question for Johnny.

"Hey, Johnny! What do you have in your hand this week?"
"Duct tape," Johnny replied.
"Duct tape? For what?" asked Mr. Glover as he turned off the water hose.
"I'm going to catch some ducks at the bottom of the hill near the lake. Do you wanna come along and help me catch some?" asked Johnny.
Once again, Mr. Glover replied, "No, thank you" and softly mumbled, "Crazy teenager."

Mr. Glover returned inside his house, took a nap and ate a light lunch. He then realized that it was time to check the mailbox. Opening his front door, Mr. Glover found Johnny walking by his house with two ducks in his arms. "Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle. That boy has caught two ducks with that duct tape. I just can't believe it," he said aloud.

Now, excited about Johnny's upcoming adventure for the third week in a row; Mr. Glover saw something unusual in Johnny's hand. He stopped the sweeping of his front porch and stared at the item with a puzzled look on his face.

"Hey, Johnny! What's that you're carrying? I don't think I've ever seen that before," he asked.
"Hey, Mr. Glover. It's called a 'Pussy Willow,' and...."
Interrupting Johnny's statement, Mr. Glover boldly announced, "I'm going with you this time!"

Until next week...keep praising HIS name!
Sir Charles

(Just in time for Mother's Day - All of my books and ebooks are available at http://www.iuniverse.com/ and http://www.xlibris.com/ - Charles Carroll Lee. They will also make for some nice summer readings. Just saying...)