Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Some Random Christmas Stuff



Well, I'm writing this blog post on Christmas Day; and I have nothing funny to post as I watch some holiday programs on the television. Daddy, my cousin, Yvonne - always known as "Pig", and Jazz Marie (the dog) are all dead. My turkey fryer refused to ignite, and the vat leaked all of the peanut oil (that oil is expensive, too). So, I had to cook my Christmas turkey the old-fashioned way - in the oven. Actually, I prepared it as though I was going to fry it. And surprisingly, the bird came out moist, juicy and succulent (see photo).

My sister was pleasantly surprised that I gave her a navy-blue sweater for Christmas. She has been asking for one since the 1990's. However, I couldn't find a really nice looking one until last week at J.C. Penney- the Liz Claiborne Collection. Now, all of her dreams have come true - thanks to me. Minutes later after the gift exchange with Mom, my sister and niece, I decided that it was time for some holiday cheer. After some minor convincing, my niece decided to join me in a drink or two. Here's the conversation:

Me: Do you want to have a Christmas drink with me?
Niece: It's not 12 noon, yet. Do you have anything that won't burn my esophagus?
Me: I got water.
Niece: *blank stare*


She indulged in two glasses of "Pinnacle Vodka - Cherry Flavor" with Coca-Cola as a chaser. "It tastes just like a Cherry Coke," she announced. My lovely niece texted me a few hours later and stated that she had to "take to the bed" because she had too much to drink.

Anyway, on Christmas Eve after doing some last minute shopping, I stopped in the liquor store to purchase my usual bottle of Jim Beam bourbon. My buddy, Mike, gave me a bottle for Christmas; but I wanted a back up bottle - just in case. As I perused the aisles, I came across a "Jim Beam Black" display. Since it's Christmastime, I decided to treat myself to something different. I was expecting a ho-hum taste; however, the aged liquor is delightfully dark and smooth without the need for a chaser. It is very flavorful, rich and mature. It will definitely become a valued member of my liquor cabinet.

I did feel a little guilty about buying the bottle of liquor. While sitting in church on the Sunday before Christmas and listening to my pastor concluded his powerful sermon, he announced in his most dynamic voice, "Only Jesus can bring you joy! Not Jack Daniel's! Only Jesus can bring you joy! Not Jim Beam!" Only Jesus can bring you joy!" Joy! Joy! Joooooooooyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!"

So, I'm sitting in my pew with my jaw resting on my chest thinking, "Oh God! Who told him that I like Jim Beam? He must be reading my Facebook posts." I silently prayed, with my best poker face, that none of my fellow church members were looking at me during the climax of the spirit-filled sermon. A few of them may know that I enjoy the taste of bourbon.

And finally...Happy New Year!!!!!

Until next week...keep praising His name!
Sir Charles

 
"Reading your blogs are really like a box of cherries...you NEVER know what you're gonna get." ~ a regular blog reader

Behind Every Dark Cloud - The Critically Acclaimed Novel - The Second Edition is now available at www.xlibris.com - Charles Carroll Lee. Soft cover and ebook.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Which Holiday Is It?



(Read: Michael! and "I Want My Order On Time.)

Lowering his voice a few octaves, Dylan McQueen stated, "Stop playing, boy! I'm not going to tell you anymore!" He wanted to use his "daddy" voice on his teenage son, Michael; so he would know that he mean business. Dylan thought that Michael was getting too strong and playful to wrestle with and was looking for a way to quickly end their weekly wrestling match. His wife, Janelle, sat on the floor near the sofa wrapping presents that she received as payback from Dolores Claiborne. She was practically oblivious to her husband and son wrestling a few feet from her on their spacious family room floor.

As Michael released the wrestling hold from his father and giving him a gentle embrace; the ringing of the land line phone brought Dylan a sweet and wonderful relief. Rushing to study the caller ID, Michael announced to his parents, "It's your Aunt Rose, Dad. Want me to answer it?"
"Yeah, put her on speaker phone. This should be interesting," Dylan replied as he sat on the sofa near Janelle. He whispered, "Buddy is getting too strong to play with, now." She released a soft laugh and continued her wrapping.
Pressing the speaker button on the land line phone, Michael stated, "Hey Aunt Rose!"
"Hey! Is this Dylan Michael?" Aunt Rose asked. She took a gulp of vodka while she waited for an answer.
"Yes ma'am. But, everyone calls me, 'Michael'. Dad calls me 'Buddy.'"
Shaking her glass of vodka-on-the-rocks, Aunt Rose continued, "I know, baby. I like calling you 'Dylan Michael.' Are you playing any sports?"
"Yes, ma'am. I'm on the swim and softball teams."
Aunt Rose replied, "That's wonderful. I'm going to have to come see you swim and play ball." She then asked, "Is your Momma home?"
Turning his attention toward Janelle, she shook her head in the negative and mouthed the word, "No!"
"No, ma'am. She's gone shopping."
"Oh," Aunt Rose stated as she took another gulp of vodka. "What about my favorite nephew - your Daddy? Is he out playing poker?"
"No, Dad plays poker on tomorrow night. And he's right here." Michael shouted, "Dad! Aunt Rose is on the phone!"
"Thanks, Buddy. You didn't have to shout. I'm sitting right here." Dylan directed his attention toward the phone and said, "Hey, Aunt Rose" while Michael decided to answer his text messages.
She answered, "Hi sweetheart! You are my favorite nephew. I miss you." Aunt Rose swirled the ice cubes in her glass as she waited for a response.
"I miss you, too. Hopefully, I'll see you in a couple of days." Dylan thought, "Last week, she told my brother that he was her favorite nephew."
"I hope so," she stated, releasing a hiccup. Continuing to savor her vodka-on-the-rocks, Aunt Rose announced, "Walter and I are going next door to Samantha and Roger Brewer's house for dinner on tomorrow. I hope they turn on the lights. Roger is trying to conserve electricity. One night, Samantha stood naked in the living room lotioning herself with the curtains wide open so she could get some light from the street lights. I'd hate to take a flashlight over there. Who wants to eat in the dark? Plus, they don't drink."
"Ohhhhh, okay. Have you been drinking?"
"No, I'm still drinking. I just wanted to call and wish you and your lovely family a Happy Easter."
Puzzled, Dylan replied, "Happy Easter?"
"Oh hell, Happy Thanksgiving."
"Thanksgiving?" Dylan asked much to his wife and son's amusement.
"New Year's? Which holiday is it?" Aunt Rose asked with another hiccup.
Somewhere in the background, Walter, Rose's husband of forty years shouted, "It's Christmas, woman! It's Christmas!"
"That's right! Christmas!" Aunt Rose stated. "Merry Christmas to you, Dylan."
"And a Merry Christmas to you!" he replied.

Merry Christmas to each and everyone one of you!
Until next week...keep praising His name!
Sir Charles

~In Memory~
The Victims of Sandy Hook Elementary School
Newtown, Connecticut - USA
"Reading your blogs are really like a box of cherries...you NEVER know what you're gonna get." ~ a regular blog reader

Behind Every Dark Cloud - The Critically Acclaimed Novel - The Second Edition is now available at www.xlibris.com - Charles Carroll Lee. Soft cover and ebook. Just in time for the holidays!

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

What's Your Password (And When Is Christmas)?

(Read: You Jerk!)

"Hello, this is Dennis Johnson. How may I direct your call?" he said into the main telephone line.
"Hi, Dennis. Why are you answering the main phone line?" Samuel Harlow, the CEO of the non-profit agency, asked.
"Because, it was ringing. And your secretary is away from her desk. So, she transferred the calls to my desk. How may I direct your call?"
"Well, since I got you on the line - can you come to my office, immediately?"
"Hell no!" Dennis thought. "Sure, I'm on my way."

Dennis walked by the absent secretary's desk and lightly tapped on Samuel's door. He announced, "I'm here. What can I help you with?"
Turning from his computer monitor to greet his visitor, Samuel stated, "I need to find some files on my computer for some very important board members. I think you may have somehow erased them. The board members are requesting the files."
Puzzled, Dennis asked, "How would I have erased your files, sir?"
"I know that you back up all of the files in the evening. So, you must have deleted them."
"No, I did not. Let me see if I can find them for you. Can you let me sit in your chair for a moment?"
Hesitantly, Samuel replied, "Well, okay."

Once Dennis was seated in the CEO's chair, he asked, "What's your password?"
"I'm not giving you my password."
"How else will I be able to log onto your system?" asked Dennis.
"You will have to do what you can to find my files. But, you can't have my password. I mean it. Besides, I have to leave for a meeting," replied Samuel.
In anger, "You got be friggin' kidding me...aren't you? You are not giving me your password?! You jerk! I can easily find it!" Dennis thought. He then stated, "Okay, Mr. Harlow. Don't give me your password. I'll do what I can to get into your system without you giving me your password." He thought, "I hate you with every fiber of my being."

Dennis returned to his office and found Samuel's password on his system. He logged onto the CEO's account and found close to one-hundred folders in his system. Dennis opened a folder and realized that there were several more folders within that folder. Each file and folder was named with a series of numbers. He opened several more folders and files and found the exact same thing.

Later that day, Samuel darkened the doorway leading to Dennis' office. He asked, "Did you find my files?"
Mixing lies with the truth, Dennis replied, "Mr. Harlow, I was unable to open your account and nothing has been deleted from your system in quite some time. So, I'm going to call our central office to retrieve your files. What is the name of the file or files that you are looking for?"
"Oh! That's confidential. I can't reveal that to you."
"You can't be this big of an idiot. Can you? All of your files are named with a series of numbers. You don't even know where to look," Dennis thought. He continued, "Sounds fine, sir. Central office will be calling you, shortly. Have a nice day."
"Thanks, Dennis."
Turning toward his computer monitor, Dennis mumbled, "You will never blame me for losing some files that you can't find to the board members. Let central office help you with that crap on your system..."
Interrupting Dennis' incoherent speech, Samuel asked, "By the way, when is Christmas this year? I've just been so terribly busy. I'm losing track of time."
"December 23rd."
"That's right. Thanks."

Until next week...keep praising His name!
Sir Charles

"Reading your blogs are really like a box of cherries...you NEVER know what you're gonna get." ~ a regular blog reader

Behind Every Dark Cloud - The Critically Acclaimed Novel - The Second Edition is now available at www.xlibris.com - Charles Carroll Lee. Soft cover and ebook. Just in time for the holidays!

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

I Want My Order On Time

(Read: Michael! and It Says Francais (Not English)

Browsing through a fundraising catalog for Christmas wrapping paper and other holiday treats and trinkets, Janelle McQueen had checked off a few items that piqued her interest. Earlier in the day, Dolores Banks had dropped the catalog by Janelle's office and mentioned that the proceeds will be used to raise money for her daughter's private school. Janelle had already finished shopping for her husband, Dylan and their son Michael. However, she wanted to purchase a few more small gifts for family members, neighbors and co-workers. "Well, I can't buy everything in this catalog, because I'm trying to save some money. I work for a non-profit organization. But, everything looks so nice," Janelle mumbled to herself.  After a few moments, Janelle formed her lovely face into a smile as she remembered a previous encounter with Dolores.

Later that afternoon, Janelle sat in her office chatting with Dennis Johnson, the information technology manager. They were discussing Sam Harlow - the CEO. With the speed of light, Dolores rushed into the tastefully decorated office. She had a few questions.

"Excuse me for interrupting, but have you made your selection or should I say selections?" asked Dolores.
"Well, I most certainly did," replied Janelle.
"What are you getting?" Dolores asked with glee. She continued, "Dennis, would you like to order some things for my daughter's fundraiser?"
"No."
Interrupting their conversation and pointing to her selected items, Janelle replied, "Let me have five rolls of the Santa Claus wrapping paper and ten rolls of the reindeer wrapping paper. I want four cans of the salted peanuts for some of my husband's poker buddies. Dylan loves them, too. I want two large cans of the butter cookies for my-laws. I want eight vanilla scented candles. Add to my order seven boxes of candy for my neighbors. I think that will be all. Oh, get me this collector's item racing car for my son, Michael."
"Oh! Wow! Let me add this up!" Dolores announced while Dennis looked completely dumbfounded by Janelle's large order. Dolores continued, "Your order comes to three-hundred and fifty dollars and thirty-two cents. How would you like to pay for this?"
"Okay, that's fine. Now, use that money that you borrowed from me this past March to pay for my order," Janelle offered.
"Huh?"
"Did I stutter? You owe me three-hundred and fifty bucks because the city had towed and impounded your car on that rainy March afternoon. And I want my order on time, too. I have to wrap all that stuff I just ordered," replied Janelle as Dennis laughed silently, but hysterically in his seat.
"Oh, okay," Dolores mumbled.
"Thank you."
"Yeah, whatever," she solemnly replied. Dolores eased out of Janelle McQueen's office with Dennis still laughing uncontrollably.

Until next week...keep praising His name!
Sir Charles

"Reading your blogs are really like a box of cherries...you NEVER know what you're gonna get." ~ a regular blog reader

Behind Every Dark Cloud - The Critically Acclaimed Novel - The Second Edition is now available at www.xlibris.com - Charles Carroll Lee. Soft cover and ebook. Just in time for the holidays!

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Thanksgiving is on Tuesday (and a recipe)




One November afternoon, my "bubble-headed" friend had a question to ask me. Sometimes, I think Dax is a few sandwiches short of a picnic and/or his elevator doesn't reach the top floor. However, he thinks it's an admirable quality. Dax usually gets mad when I refer to him as a "blond." Who wants to be known as an airhead?

Anyway, sitting in Starbucks enjoying a cup of java, Dax excitedly gave me a run down of his Thanksgiving holiday plans. I managed to act interested in his plans of travel, drinking, sex and more sex for the holidays.

After ten minutes of listening to his holiday agenda, Dax finally asked, "So, what are you doing for Thanksgiving?"
I replied, "Whatever it is - it certainly won't be as exciting and as sex-filled as yours."
"Don't be funny."
"I'm not being funny. I'm just saying," I offered.
"You really need to get out more and not be so boring, Charles."
"Perhaps, you're right, Dax."
Pausing for a few moments and narrowing his eyebrows, Dax asked, "Wait a minute. What day is Thanksgiving on?"
"Tuesday. Thanksgiving is on Tuesday," I replied with a straight face. (I couldn't help myself. I know it was wrong.)
As though a light bulb had illuminated a room, Dax announced, "Yeah! That's right - it's on Tuesday!" He paused for another moment and asked, "Are you sure?"
"Yes," I replied with great conviction.
"Okay. I believe you," Dax said.
I thought, "Mission Accomplished!" for calling me boring.

This was one of Daddy's favorite recipes for Cornbread Stuffing:

1 package of cornbread stuffing mix
2 onions
4 celery stalks
1/2 cup chopped parsley
1/4 cup butter
1/2 cup chicken broth
2 teaspoons dried sage, crumbled
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon pepper
1 cup of uncooked popcorn

Mix above ingredients and place inside the turkey's cavity. Cook until the popcorn blows the turkey's ass across the room.

Until next week...keep praising His name!
Sir Charles

"Reading your blogs are really like a box of cherries . . . you NEVER know what you’re gonna get!"  ~ A regular blog reader

Behind Every Dark Cloud - The Critically Acclaimed Novel - The Second Edition is now available at www.xlibris.com - Charles Carroll Lee. Soft cover and ebook. Just in time for the holidays!

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Stuffing and Licking





Jake Montgomery studied Davina Johnson who was positioned immediately next to him. Jake thought that she was a great looking woman. He wanted to do something different during their encounter and hoped that Davina would happily obliged. Jake knew that he had to do a lot of convincing to get the newly single woman to go along with his request.

"C'mon and lick it," Jake said toward Davina. He gauged her expression.
"I don't do that," Davina replied.
Jake offered, "If you lick it, I will stuff it. Is that a deal?"
"No, because I don't lick, and I never have. It would be much better if you would do the licking," said Davina.
After a few moments, Jake replied, "I'm much better at stuffing than licking. Besides, I've never experience you licking before."
"All of that licking will make my tongue feel tired, Jake. Sometimes, it's just gross. Can't we bring in a third person?"
"No one wants to join us. Just drink some water in between licks. I really need for you to lick it. Please?"
Davina replied, "No. And you're not that great at stuffing it. You have missed the opening on quite a few occasions."
"I know. I got excited and carried away the last time. I wanted to hurry up. But, I got it all in," Jake replied with his best smile.
"You sure did, and you tried to put too much in it the last time," Davina offered. She paused for a few moments and then offered, "Okay. I'll lick this one time; if it will make you feel better - so, we can get this session over with. But, the next time you will do all of the licking."
Jake happily replied, "That sounds perfect." Reaching for a box on the table, Jake continued, "Here's some  envelopes. We have to get these letters to the mailbox before 4:00 p.m. Maybe, I can buy us a sponge to use for sealing envelopes - the next time."
"Finally, you get a clue," offered Davina.

Until next week, keep praising HIS name!
Sir Charles

"I have to pray before I read your blog postings." ~ A regular blog reader

Behind Every Dark Cloud - The Second Edition is now available at www.xlibris.com - Charles Carroll Lee. Soft cover and ebook. Just in time for the holidays!

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Terror in the Night - A Halloween Story




My two-level brick home was dark, quiet and still. The outdoors was void of sound except for a passing vehicle. I slept in my queen-sized bed while Jazz and Kibby kept their nightly vigil in the darkness of the room. I was enjoying a blissful night of sleep until I heard a strange noise coming from the kitchen. Jazz and Kibby were resting at the foot of the bed; so it was not one of the canines drinking water or eating a morsel of food. Feeling sleep overcome me once again, I decided to ignore the sound.

Some time later, I heard the noise again. The dogs were perfectly still and asleep on the bed. However, in addition to the noise drifting from the kitchen; I began to hear footsteps walking across the floor. The house seemed to settle and crack with each step. "Why aren't the dogs barking? Is someone in the house?" I asked myself. Remaining perfectly still in the bed, my heart began to increase its rhythm as my breathing became harder. "If I can just move, I can jump the intruder," I thought. But, I couldn't move. It seemed like I had been drugged. "Did Jazz and Kibby slip something in my bourbon that has left me completely paralyzed?" I had wondered.

The footsteps moved closer and closer to my bedroom. My heart was beating furiously. "Bark! Jazz and Kibby! Bark! Then, I can move!" I screamed within my mind - all to no avail. The footsteps paused at my bedroom door. "Why isn't the burglar alarm working? Who is this that has invaded my home?" I screamed in my head. Slowly and gingerly the footsteps moved closer to my bed. There were no sounds from the dogs. They were completely oblivious to my terror in the night. "Is this a dream? Is this some sort of ghost that has entered my home? Why can't I move? If only I can move. God! Please!" I thought.

The footsteps paused for moment. Then, the intruder sat on the bed. "Oh, God! I can't move! Jazz and Kibby are refusing to bark! The alarm has failed to work! Somebody help me!" I thought. Suddenly, the intruder placed his arms around me as I slowly opened my eyes.

The intruder that had entered my home was the ghostly image of my late father. I exhaled and woke up to the morning light...

In the meantime, until next week - keep praising HIS name!
Sir Charles

"I have to pray before I read your blog postings." ~ A regular blog reader.

Coming Soon:
Behind Every Dark Cloud
The Critically Acclaimed Novel
The Second Edition

All of my books and ebooks are available at http://www.iuniverse.com/ and http://www.xlibris.com/ - Charles Carroll Lee.

A Harvest Moon (Repost)





One fall evening as the harvest moon was making her grand appearance, Mom and Dad had asked my sister, Belinda,  to take me to the neighborhood store with her to pick up a few items. With a slight huff, she consented. We walked down the long street leading to Sonny's Grocery Store and Grill. Hand-in-hand, we crossed the busy street and entered the semi-crowded establishment. All of Belinda's friends were in attendance. Sonny was ringing sales on the cash register and music from the grill section of the store was flowing through the air. It was a warm, friendly and safe atmosphere.

I didn't know a soul in this place except for Sonny. Belinda laughed and talked with her friends in the grill while I decided to wander through the store aisles. Minutes passed and I couldn't find my big sister. Leaving Sonny's Store, I stood outdoors in the fall air trying to see if she was waiting for me. I proceeded across the street and into the darkness. Dogs barked in the background. Wolves howled at the moon. Porch lights flickered as I traveled along the narrow street. Black cats dashed passed me as my heart rate increased its rhythm. Bats flew from the trees and into the night. A witch's silhouette had eclipsed the golden moon. Ghosts had encircled my trembling body. My mouth became as dry as a desert from the frightening experience. When I came to the end of the road, I found a large house on the right, walked up the steps and turned the door knob with my small hand. Entering the house with a creaky door; a deep, bass voice asked, "What are you doing here, alone?" as I trembled in fear. "Close the door," he commanded.

Meanwhile, inside Sonny's Store - Belinda yells, "Where is my little brother? He's gone! Somebody help me find him! Oh, God!" The store patrons scrambled about searching for me - underneath tables - in the restroom - behind the counters - in the kitchen - all to no avail. With a heavy chest and mind, Belinda returned home wondering how to break the news to Mom and Dad that I was gone - forever.

Walking into our house; the deep, bass voice asked, "Where is your little brother?"
Belinda replied, "Daddy, I lost him."
Smiling slightly, Daddy replied, "No, you didn't. He got here a little while ago. He's in the bedroom in his pajamas."
"What? He's here?" Belinda yelled. "Charles C.! Come here!"
Returning to the living room, I said, "What?"
"What happened to you?" Belinda asked.
"Well, I thought you had left me at Sonny's. So, I walked home," I replied.
"I had the whole store looking for you! Dang, boy!" offered Belinda with relief.
Interrupting our conversation, Mom said, "Belinda, since tomorrow is Halloween; you can take Charles C. 'trick-or-treating.'"  She thought, "As payback for losing your brother."

So, there I was on Halloween night dressed in my "Casper the Friendly Ghost" costume and mask. The harvest moon illuminated our path as we spoke to other trick-or-treater's. I carried an orange jack-o-lantern to receive my trick or treat candy in one hand and with the other hand I tightly held my favorite sister. Well, she's my only sister. Later that night, my jack-o-lantern got so heavy from the candy, I could hardly carry it at six-years-old. The teenage Belinda didn't offer to carry it, either. Can you blame her?

(Okay. So, there were no bats, ghosts, dogs, witches, wolves or black cats on my walk home from the store. I just took some creative license with this true story for Halloween. A  porch light did flicker. I wondered if they had paid their electricity bill.)

Until next week, much love and keep praising HIS name!
Sir Charles

(My novels are available on http://www.xlibris.com/ - Charles Carroll Lee)

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

It's a Porno-puter!


(Read: It Says Francais)

"This is the Federal Bureau of Investigations. How may I direct your call?" the female agent asked.
"Hello," Dax Jones said into the telephone receiver. "I want to pay the two-hundred dollars to have you unlock my computer screen.
"I beg your pardon, sir," the agent said.
"My computer screen has locked up, and I see your logo and a message that says to pay you two-hundred dollars," Dax replied.
"Sir, you have a computer virus. We have been getting calls like this for quite some time," the agent announced.
"Oh? Okay. Thank you."
"Have a nice day, sir," the agent offered with a soft laugh.

The next day, Dennis Johnson sat at his desk. He was excited that Samuel Harlow, CEO, was on vacation for two weeks from the non-profit agency. So, Dennis spent most of the morning updating his resume and searching for jobs online until someone covered his door way. "Please, don't let that be Mr. Harlow," Dennis mumbled while staring at his computer monitor. Turning toward his office door, the information technologist studied his co-worker.

"Why are you back with your laptop, again?" Dennis asked.
"I got another virus on it. The message from the FBI said that I needed to pay two-hundred dollars to unlock my computer. I called them to pay it, and they said that I had a virus, " Dax replied as he entered Dennis' office.
"The FBI?! What? I just removed a virus the day before yesterday!" Dennis announced in a loud tone.
Removing his laptop from its carrying case, Dax replied. "I know right. Can you get it off - like right now?"  He sat the laptop on Dennis' desk.
"Look, I told you to stay off of those porn sites. They are filled with viruses. Besides, I don't want to look at any more pics of your naked butt that you've been sending out to the whole world," Dennis offered.
"I've only been on one porn site since yesterday," said Dax turning on his laptop.
"One site too many," said Dennis.

After Dax had turned on his laptop, the seal of the FBI appeared on the monitor along with the message that was stated by Dax. Dennis had a thought.
"What made you think that this message from the FBI was real? Can't you see over here on the right hand side that there are advertisements for Walgreen's and CVS pharmacies? Huh? Why would the FBI send you a message with advertisements on it?"
Dax replied, "I don't know. I got scared when I saw the FBI seal."
Noticing something on Dax's laptop, Dennis asked, "What are these white spots and blotches all over your laptop and screen?"
"Huh?"
"Gross!" Dennis shouted as he retrieved a pair of latex gloves and sanitizing wipes from his desk drawer. He made Dax thoroughly disinfect the electronic equipment along with his desk. Dennis continued, "I'm going to have to strip this laptop. Since, you didn't want to pay me the last time - this is my last time helping you."
"Thanks," said Dax.
"You're sitting at home looking at porn and jerking off on the the Internet. You have turned this nice laptop into a "Porno-puter!"

In the meantime, until next week - keep praising HIS name!
Sir Charles

"I have to pray before I read your blog postings." ~ A regular blog reader.

Coming Soon:
Behind Every Dark Cloud
The Critically Acclaimed Novel
The Second Edition

All of my books and ebooks are available at http://www.iuniverse.com/ and http://www.xlibris.com/ - Charles Carroll Lee.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Michael!




"Michael!" Janelle McQueen yelled from the master bedroom. "Have you seen my sunglasses?"
Watching his father pull out of the driveway from the kitchen window, the teenager replied, "No, ma'am."
"I need for you to help me find them, Michael! I have two very, very important meetings today! And you know the morning sun darn near blinds me!" Janelle continued from the bedroom.
"Okay!" Michael shouted in return. He poured a bowl of corn flakes and sat comfortably at the kitchen table. The teenager began to enjoy his cereal.

Moments later, Janelle appeared in the kitchen. She studied her son and said, "I thought you were going to help me find my sunglasses. And here you are eating corn flakes. Really, Michael. Now, help me look for them."
Studying his lovely forty-eight-year-old mother, Michael asked, "You're kidding, right?"
"Do I look like I'm kidding to you?" asked Janelle with her hands on her hips.
"But Mom...."
"'But Mom' nothing, Michael! I'm stressed over these meetings today, and I need my sunglasses! Is that to much to ask..."
"But Mom...."
"Michael! I don't have all day. Help me or your father and I will put you on punishment! I mean it!" Janelle announced.
"Okay. I understand. I will help you," Michael replied with a grin.
"Why in the hell are you smiling?"
"Ummmm...what's that on your face?"
Exhaling and feeling her face, Janelle replied, "Oh my stars! I'm already wearing my sunglasses!"
"That's what I was trying to tell you," Michael said.
"You're such good son," offered Janelle.
"I know right."

In the meantime, until next week - keep praising HIS name!
Sir Charles

"Your blog postings are like a Sunday morning paper with a cup of coffee." ~ A regular blog reader.

Coming Soon:
Behind Every Dark Cloud
The Critically Acclaimed Novel
The Second Edition

All of my books and ebooks are available at http://www.iuniverse.com/ and http://www.xlibris.com/ - Charles Carroll Lee.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

It Says Francais (Not English)!





(Read: You're Still A Jerk)

"Dennis Johnson, can you come to my office?" Samuel Harlow requested via telephone.
"Sure, I'll be right there," Dennis replied. He began to feel a knot develop deep within his stomach. Dennis returned the receiver to its cradle and marched toward the CEO's office. Dennis prayed that a massive earthquake would strike so that he would not have to endure another encounter with Samuel.

Dennis walked around the absent secretary's desk and tapped on Samuel's partially opened door. He asked, "Yes, sir. What can I help you with?" in an upbeat tone.
"Dennis, you did a very poor job of configuring my Blackberry. It's not working properly. I asked you repeatedly to make sure it's in good working order, and you have failed to do that," Samuel announced.
"What are you talking about?" asked Dennis.
"My Blackberry is not performing spell check," Samuel replied. "It does not correct misspelled words. I have sent out several messages with misspelled words, Dennis Johnson. Now, fix your mistake or else," he continued.

In a fit of rage, Dennis grabbed Samuel around the collar and delivered several punches to his face. He then threw the CEO against the wall over and over again until Samuel fell to the floor.

Interrupting Dennis' thoughts, Samuel asked, "Are you listening to me?"
"Yes, sir," he replied. Dennis was trying to refrain from acting on his violent thoughts. Dennis continued, "Let me see your Blackberry, Mr. Harlow. I'm sure there is a simple answer."

Inspecting the electronic device as though he were a skilled surgeon, Dennis announced, "I see what the problem is."
"Well, what did you do wrong - this time?" asked Samuel.
"I did nothing wrong. You have programmed your Blackberry to the French language after I gave it to you. That's why spell check isn't working. You're typing in English, but your recipients are probably receiving the message in French. See right here?" Dennis asked as he showed the screen to Samuel. "It says Francais. It should say, English. E-N-G-L-I-S-H."
"Oh? How did that happen?"
"You freakin' idiot! How should I know?" he thought. He then said, "I'm sure it was an honest mistake on your part, Mr. Harlow."
"Perhaps, I pushed something by mistake," Samuel replied. "Thanks for helping me."
"Go jump out of the window," Dennis thought. "You're quite welcome, Mr. Harlow," he finally stated. Dennis returned to his office to update his resume.

In the meantime, until next week - keep praising HIS name!
Sir Charles

"Your blog postings are like a Sunday morning paper with a cup of coffee." ~ A regular blog reader.

Coming Soon:
Behind Every Dark Cloud
The Critically Acclaimed Novel
The Second Edition

All of my books and ebooks are available at http://www.iuniverse.com/ and http://www.xlibris.com/ - Charles Carroll Lee.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Behind Every Dark Cloud - A Sneak Peek


Coming Soon:
Behind Every Dark Cloud
The Critically Acclaimed Novel
The Second Edition

DRESSED IN A pair of tattered khaki pants and a dark
well-worn sweatshirt, Troy Parham slithered up the stairs within
the 7th Street parking deck on a cloudy night. This was the second parking
deck that Troy had visited within the past week. He noticed a few beer
cans and soda cups during his flight. Troy angrily kicked one the beer cans
out of his way and opened the heavy door leading to the second level. He
scanned the deck which was littered with cars, SUV’s and motorcycles.
He walked around the parking deck as though he were the proud
owner. Troy peeped inside of cars and SUV’s and touched a few of the
motorcycles—constantly looking over his shoulder. Nothing sparked his
interest on this level. So, he jumped over a railing in the center of the deck
until he landed on the spiral exit ramp. Troy ran as fast as he could up the
ramp until he reached the third level.
Catching his breath, Troy heard the elevator signal that it was releasing
or admitting a passenger. He quickly hid next to a pick-up truck. Once the
elevator door had closed and realizing that the deck was still void of human
life; he eased out of hiding and surveyed his surroundings.
Walking around the parking lot, a shiny, black vehicle caught his
attention. Troy peeped inside the driver’s side window and figured that it
belonged to a female. He decided to hide until it was time.
In the meantime, until next week - keep praising HIS name!
Sir Charles

"Your blog postings are like a Sunday morning paper with a cup of coffee." ~ A regular blog reader.












Wednesday, September 26, 2012

We Gotta Go Green!




Read: "My Car Don't Understand Black People"

Samantha Brewer was enjoying her late evening shower. She had finished her household chores (no thanks to her husband, Roger) and had planned for a blissful night of sleep. Samantha opened the small window inside the shower stall to allow the warm summer air to mingle with the warm flowing water. The shower curtain moved in perfect rhythm with the warm breeze. Samantha thought that she was in heaven until she saw Roger's rugged hand enter the shower. He reached for the hot water knob and turned it to the right. Roger repeated this motion with the cold water knob. He withdrew his hand and stated, "You don't need the water coming out that hard and fast."

Disgusted, Samantha dried her body with her plush Canon towel and then made her way to the well-lit master bedroom. She found her favorite scented lotion, sat on the edge of the bed and began to moisturize her body. Suddenly, Samantha found herself sitting in almost total darkness. She only had the dim hall light to partially illuminate the bedroom. Roger announced en route to the kitchen, "You don't need all that light to lotion yourself. We need to conserve water and energy. We don't live in an apartment anymore. We gotta go 'green'!"

Becoming even more disgusted with Roger, Samantha walked completely naked to the semi-dark living room with lotion in hand. She stood in front of the large picture window and pulled back the draperies to give her some light from the outdoor street lamps. Pouring the scented lotion onto her hands, Samantha bent over and moisturized her legs. She then squirted more lotion onto her hands and moisturized her upper body, neck and arms - all while cars, trucks and vehicles passed by the Brewer house. Returning from the kitchen, Roger watched his wife in a state of shock.

"You just gotta show your natural born ass - to the whole damn neighborhood!" Roger exclaimed.
Samantha replied, "And, if you keep turning off the lights and turning off my water...this is what going to happen every night!"

To be continued....

In the meantime, until next week - keep praising HIS name!
Sir Charles

"Your blog postings are like a Sunday morning paper with a cup of coffee." ~ A regular blog reader.

Coming Soon:
Behind Every Dark Cloud
The Critically Acclaimed Novel
The Second Edition

All of my books and ebooks are available at http://www.iuniverse.com/ and http://www.xlibris.com/ - Charles Carroll Lee.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

You're Still A Jerk


Read: "I'm Glad To Be Of Service (You Jerk!)"

Standing in front of Dennis Johnson's office the next day, Samuel Harlow, CEO, announced, "You didn't do a very good job of fixing my mouse like I thought you did."
"What do you mean, Mr. Harlow? I inserted some 'mouse' batteries into your mouse as you instructed. What happened?" Dennis asked, peering over his eyeglasses.
Samuel replied, "My mouse is broken. Come to my office."

Dennis followed Samuel to his cluttered office. The secretary was still on her lunch break. Samuel sat behind  his desk, turned toward his computer monitor, found a document and covered his mouse with his large hand.

He stated, "Like I said...my mouse is broken. See, when I click the mouse; my thumb hits this little side button. Then things get messed up," as Dennis watched Samuel's every movement.
"Why don't move your thumb so you don't hit that side button? And, you should just left click or either right click on the mouse instead of clicking them both at the same time," Dennis offered.
"That doesn't make much sense, Dennis," Samuel replied. He continued, "This mouse is just broken. I need a new one."
"No,  you don't, sir. You are clicking both sides of the mouse with your fingers, and your thumb is touching the side button. I watched you. That's why nothing is happening on your document.  Would you like for me to order you a brand new wireless mouse? It may be a little easier to use."
"No, damn it! I need a brand new mouse!  This is broken!"
"You friggin' jerk! You don't need a new mouse! You need to left click or right click only or better yet - watch what you are friggin' doing with your fingers! You are getting on my friggin' nerves!" Dennis yelled, internally. He then stated, "Alright, Mr. Harlow. I will get you a brand new mouse by morning," as he strolled out of Samuel's office.

The next morning, Dennis eased into the storage room. He found a computer mouse, wiped it off until it had a soft shine and carried it to Samuel's office. He removed the current mouse and installed the newly found mouse onto the CEO's desktop. The mice were practically identical to one another except for the color. Dennis was glad that the Samuel had not arrived, yet. Later that day, Samuel returned to Dennis' office.

"Thanks, Dennis for the brand new mouse. It's great and works perfectly. I like the color, too. Blue is my favorite. See, I told you that I needed a new one."
Peering over his eyeglasses, Dennis replied, "Oh, you are quite welcome, sir. Will there be anything else?"
"No, just keep up the good work," Samuel replied as he returned to his office.
"You're still a jerk," Dennis thought to himself.

In the meantime, until next week - keep praising HIS name!
Sir Charles

"Your blog postings are like a Sunday morning paper with a cup of coffee." ~ A regular blog reader.

All of my books and ebooks are available at http://www.iuniverse.com/ and http://www.xlibris.com/ - Charles Carroll Lee.

Monday, September 10, 2012

I'm Glad To Be Of Service (You Jerk!)



"I need some batteries for my desktop mouse," Samuel Harlow, the chief executive officer of a non-profit agency, said to Dennis Johnson immediately after lunch. Samuel prides himself on being a computer geek.
Dennis replied, "Sure, I have some double A batteries in my desk drawer."
"No, you don't understand. Specifically, I need mouse batteries for my mouse - not regular double A batteries," Samuel retorted.
Puzzled, Dennis stated, "Your mouse uses regular batteries, Mr. Harlow."
"No, it does not. All computer mice (assuming the plural for a PC mouse is 'mice' and not 'mouses') use mouse batteries only, Dennis. You know they sell mouse batteries for computer mice," Samuel announced.
"Where did you get that from? Look, you little jerk! I have a bachelor's and a master's degree in information systems technology. There is no such thing as a 'mouse' battery. They generally use regular double A batteries. Yours is one of them. If it did not, I would be one of the first to know. You got that?" Dennis thought to himself. He then said, "Okay, sir. I will install some 'mouse' batteries into your mouse. Will there be anything else?"
In a snappy tone, Samuel replied, "No, that will be all. Please, hurry up and install the mouse battery. I've got some work to do. "
"Will do," replied Dennis.

Dennis marched to his office and sat behind his desk. His chest was heaving from his encounter with the CEO. "You jerk!" he whispered within the confines of his office. Dennis opened his top desk drawer and retrieved a new package of Eveready AA Lithium Batteries. He turned toward his desktop and designed a label that read, "Mouse Batteries." Dennis smoothed the office made label over the unopened package. He then mumbled, "I did a great job in creating this label. This battery package looks almost store bought."

Refusing to have any more encounters with Samuel the CEO, Dennis waited for him to leave the building for his 2:00 p.m. meeting. He eased past the absent secretary's desk and entered Samuel's cluttered office. Dennis sat behind the desk and lifted the mouse from its pad. Removing the back panel, Dennis picked out the old double A batteries with his fingers and inserted the brand new Eveready AA Lithium Batteries into the device. He replaced the back panel and left the office made battery package on Samuel's desk. Dennis returned to his office to complete some work related projects.

Later that afternoon, Samuel stood in front of Dennis' office with a smug expression on his face. He had a statement to make.

"Dennis, my mouse is working just perfectly. See, I told you that it uses only mouse batteries. And, you have found some as well," Samuel replied as he held the office made battery package. He continued, "Thank you very much."
"You're welcome, sir. I'm glad to be of service," Dennis replied.


In the meantime, until next week - keep praising HIS name!
Sir Charles



All of my books and ebooks are available at http://www.iuniverse.com/ and http://www.xlibris.com/ - Charles Carroll Lee.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

A Woman of Ill-Repute ( Like A Faucet)


"Well, he went into the kitchen and returned with "Wine-In-A-Box," Florena stated as we ate nachos on the patio deck.
"Wine-In-A-Box?" I repeated, dipping a nacho into a salsa dip. "I haven't seen one of those in years," I added.
"Yes, that's what I said," replied Florena. She continued, "I think the box was almost empty. So, I had to tell him to 'Tip it, Malcolm.'"
Trying not to smile at Florena's last statement, I asked, "How did you meet him?"
"Online. He likes big girls, and he's sixty-two years old. Do you think he's too old for me?"
"Sixty-two?" I repeated. After a brief thought, I stated, "Actually, you act and walk like a sixty-two year old....sometimes. So, the two of you may be the same age....physically," as I took a long gulp of my bourbon.
Biting into a nacho, Florena said, "Yes, I do have some knee problems which slows me down quite a bit. Anyway, he didn't serve any snacks with the Wine-In-A-Box; and he wanted OS."
"OS?" I asked.
Whispering, Florena said, "Oral Sex. I then told him that I don't give blow jobs."
Smiling so much that my face began to hurt, I asked, "You don't? Really?"
"No! At least not with a stranger. I don't want him to think that I'm a 'Woman of Ill-Repute.' Plus, he has ED."
"ED?" I asked, guzzling more bourbon and eating another nacho immediately thereafter.
"Erectile Dysfunction, Charles. He didn't take his little pill before I showed up," offered Florena.
"You now, Florena...this is too much information. I know I'm going to hate myself for asking this question, but then what happened?"
"He wanted to cuddle and lick me."
"Oh."
"I told him that cuddling leads to other things that I didn't want to happen. That wasn't I came over for. But, we cuddled, anyway. Then he licked me 'down there.' He kept the ceiling light on the whole time."
"Oh yeah?" I offered, not knowing what else to say.
Florena gauged my facial expression and stated, "Yep. While he was doing oral sex on me, he said, 'I'm like a 'faucet' down there. So wet. Flowing like a raging river'...." as she listened to me choke on my 'good' bourbon. She continued during my coughing spell, "I don't think I'll be going over to his house, anymore. No snacks. Boxed wine. And a bright ceiling light. I hope you don't post this escapade on your blog, either."


In the meantime, until next week and keep praising HIS name!
Sir Charles



All of my books and ebooks are available at http://www.iuniverse.com/ and http://www.xlibris.com/ - Charles Carroll Lee. They will also make for some nice summer readings. Just saying...)

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Ahhhhhh!!!!!



Normally, I don't promote businesses on my blog other than that time I was trying to find a birthday gift at Macy's Department Store and Verizon for my sister, Mrs. Dyson - which reminds me that her birthday is coming up on next Tuesday. And no, I'm not getting her a grave marker. However,  I wouldn't mind promoting a reputable business on my blog - if they pay me a nice, hefty fee.

Anyway, after I had left the gym for a late afternoon workout; I decided to try the new rave, Sweet Frog. They are the sellers of premium frozen yogurt. Some of my cousins, friends and co-workers almost swear it's the best thing on earth. I figured that it was only yogurt.

Walking into the well-illuminated pink and green establishment, I was warmly greeted by a tall slender teenager. I'm guessing that his name is Brad. That's what I called him, and he didn't correct me, either. And, no there was no name tag. But, I had a serious question for Brad.

"Hello, this is my first time here. What do I do, first, Brad?" I announced, entering the cool building.
"Welcome, sir!" Brad shouted from behind the topping bar. "First, you keep walking; get a cup and select the yogurt flavor that you want. We have a variety to choose from. Then, you come over here and select as many toppings as you want. And then, you weigh your yogurt and pay for it for thirty-nine cents a pound," he offered.
"Okay! Thank you!" I shouted in return.

I followed Brad's instructions to the letter by choosing the peanut butter flavored yogurt with hot fudge and strawberry toppings. My order totaled $5.83. I wondered how much it would've cost if I had added the crumbled cookies? Sitting on a small seat probably meant for a young child, I began to savor my concoction. The taste was so divine...so heavenly....so delightful. I can't remember the last time I felt that way. Unfortunately, a young father and his two daughters decided to sit next to me as I lifted the cup to my face and scraped the last drop of yogurt into my mouth. I even moaned, groaned and made a slurping noise.The young family watched me from the corner of their eyes.

This experience was too magnificent and too amazing not to share with the world. So, I posted the following on Facebook: "I almost had an orgasm in Sweet Frog. It's so delicious. So divine. Ahhhhhhhh!!!!! " Within a matter of seconds of posting the above statement; I had received approximately fifteen likes and forty-five comments. Some of the posted comments were:

Friend #1: Your orgasm?
Friend #2:  I sooo know that feeling!
Friend #3:  I didn't know they sold those there.
Friend #4: OMG!!!!!!!!!!!! Where is this place located??
Friend #5: Almost doesn't count! Go back until......
Friend #6: That's it...I know I'm heading there.
Friend #7: You don't REMEMBER what an orgasm is.......
Friend #8: CHARLES!! Is that a new flavor??? Lol

I was excited to see all of those replies. However, if I had posted, "Wishing each of you a great day!" No one would've responded. Mention something sex related and everyone has something to say. Go figure.

In the meantime, until next week and keep praising HIS name!
Sir Charles



All of my books and ebooks are available at http://www.iuniverse.com/ and http://www.xlibris.com/ - Charles Carroll Lee. They will also make for some nice summer readings. Just saying...)

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Misprints in Church Bulletins (The Church Announcements - Part 2)

  1. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double doors at the side entrance.
  2. The 2012 Spring Council Retreat will be hell on May 10 and 11.
  3. Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to the church secretary.
  4. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
  5. The associate minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: “ I Upped My Pledge—Up Yours.”
  6. Men's Prayer Breakfast. No charge, but your damnation will be gratefully accepted.
  7. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
  8. Thursday at 5:00 PM, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his private study.
  9. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and request tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
  10. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy!"

Until next week, Keep praising HIS name!
Sir Charles

 (Reprinted from: klenger.net/humor/misprints.html;
stephengregory.blogspot.com; church-bulletin community.beliefnet.com)



All of my books and ebooks are available at http://www.iuniverse.com/ and http://www.xlibris.com/ - Charles Carroll Lee. They will also make for some nice summer readings. Just saying...)




Wednesday, August 15, 2012

It's Hard Pulling This Thing Down...





Henrietta Barker, short in height with large hips and a rear end to match, shuffled into the office building carrying a large amount of items in a tote bag. No one is exactly sure what Henrietta hauls to work each day in her well-used tote bag. Once she arrived at her office door, she recited her normal mantra as she searched for her key on the cluttered and heavy key ring.

"I'm so tired. I can't wait until I retire."
Michael Jones asked as he walked down the corridor, "How much longer do you have?"
Henrietta replied, "Two more years. And it can't get here fast enough," entering her junky office.

After she had entered her office and dropped her tote bag on the floor, Henrietta shuffled to the break room for her normal cup of coffee with plenty of cream and sugar. Some of Henrietta's co-workers always mention that her coffee looks more like a vanilla milkshake. Returning to her office, Henrietta silently complained that her husband was not paying her enough attention and that she needed some serious love and affection.

During the next couple of hours, Henrietta responded to emails and completed some over due paperwork. She then had a thought. "I'll go to the ladies room and do what I need to do," she mumbled. No one had noticed Henrietta going the ladies room. She entered the stall, closed the door and turned the latch to further secure herself within the enclosure.

Inside the stall, Henrietta moaned, "Mmmmmm......Ahhhhhh.....Damn!" again and again followed by heavy breathing. .

A few seconds later, Denise Preen eased into the ladies room, entered the adjoining stalled, closed and secured the door. She took her position on the commode. Denise heard some clear, audible sounds with heavy breathing from the next cubicle.

"Ahhhhhhh....Mmmmmmm.....Oh my.....Mmmmmm," Henrietta chanted.

Denise leaned from the commode to see what was happening in the next stall. She narrowed her eyes and continued to listen to the moans, groans and heavy breathing wafting from the stall. Denise wondered if someone was having sex in the ladies room. However, she noticed only one pair of shoes. Denise had surmised that one of her co-workers was masturbating. Finally noticing the shoes because she had seen them on more than one occasion, Denise had a question.

"Henrietta Barker? Is that you?"
"Mmmmm....Ahhhhh.....Damn...Yes, it's me. What do you want? I'm busy. Mmmmmm...."
"What in the world are you doing over there? Masturbating?" Denise asked from her restroom stall.
Henrietta replied, "No, I'm trying to pull down my girdle so I can pee. It's hard pulling this thing down over my hips," as Denise broke into a laugh that echoed throughout the entire office from her restroom stall.

Until next week, Keep praising HIS name!
Sir Charles


In Memory

Jazz Marie ~ My Beloved Dog ~ 1997 - 2012.


All of my books and ebooks are available at http://www.iuniverse.com/ and http://www.xlibris.com/ - Charles Carroll Lee. They will also make for some nice summer readings. Just saying...)


Wednesday, August 8, 2012

The Church Announcements (Part 1)



The following is a recap of my weekly announcements during church service:

"On behalf of our Pastor who wearing all of that red on the rostrum, welcome to our church service this morning."

"... And now, it's time for the church announcements:"

"Today, we are selling t-shirts for the annual church picnic and church anniversary. The cost is ten dollars, and the sizes range from small to extra large. However, I'm not really sure who needs a "small". We also have triple-X sizes, as well. There will be an extra two dollars for the plus sizes. If you don't want to pay that amount for a plus size - you can go on a diet this week."

(A cell phone rings from within the congregation.)

"And speaking of the church's anniversary, next Sunday will be casual Sunday. Feel free to dress comfortably. However, men should wear shirts, and no Daisy Duke shorts or halter tops for the ladies...just saying."

(The cell phone rings, again. I am becoming slightly annoyed.)

"The Men's Ministry is sponsoring their annual "Men Who Cook Contest "next month. This means that we only want original recipes. Please, do not bring anything out of a can, cooked on a hot plate, or on a George Foreman Grill."

"Our special church dinner will be held on the fourth Wednesday. The cost will be four dollars per person. If you don't pay; you will have to sit in the back of the fellowship hall and eat peanuts and mints and drink water with the Pastor."

"And that concludes the church announcements for this morning."

(The cell phone rings, again.)

"I think Jesus is trying to call SOMEBODY this morning." (Widespread laughter and applause as I take a bow and wave.)

After I had returned to my seat; my niece, Noir, leans over and states, "You know, we were not applauding you for your performance. We were clapping because you were finally finished with the announcements. And you were just standing up their waving and bowing. Really, uncle..."

Until next week, keep praising HIS name! Peace and Blessings Always!
Sir Charles



All of my books and ebooks are available at http://www.iuniverse.com/ and http://www.xlibris.com/ - Charles Carroll Lee. They will also make for some nice summer readings. Just saying...)





Wednesday, August 1, 2012

I'm Going To Cast A Spell On You (Season Premiere)

Troy, lonely for female companionship, uploaded his photograph, stats and hobbies on one of those online dating sites. Troy is a little quirky; yet, comical and delightful. It's hard not to like him. A few days after uploading his profile, Troy was pleasantly surprised by the number of hits and comments that he received each day. However, there was one young woman that had completely captivated him. Her name was Sheila, and she was everything that Troy had hoped for in a woman. Sheila lives in South Carolina and Troy lives in Nevada.

Troy and Sheila exchanged telephone numbers and talked to each other every single day of the week. Sometimes, they would talk for more than an hour and giggled like silly school kids. The two lovebirds talked about everything and came to know each other very intimately. Troy and Sheila had no secrets between them and their conversations were never boring.

After six months had passed, the couple believed that they were deeply in love. Troy wanted to meet this exquisite woman face-to-face. Sheila had even suggested that they meet in Chicago, Illinois. She thought it would be a good half-way point. After more days of delightful conversations, Sheila had a question for her beloved.

"I need some money!" she demanded.
"What?" asked Troy. He was taken aback by Sheila's new demeanor.
"Did I stutter, muther fucker!?"
Searching for the right words, Troy asked, "Where is all of this coming from? How much do you need?"
"5000 dollars! You can wire it to me right, now!" demanded Sheila.
"I don't have that kind of money," Troy replied.
"You are going to be so damn sorry for that," offered Sheila.
"What do you mean?"
"I'm going to cast a spell on you."
"Huh?"
"Voodoo. Black Magic. Have you heard of that? I will make sure it brings you instant pain or death."

Days later he began receiving calls from a certified "Voodoo-ist" - as Troy refers to him. The "Voodoo-ist" asked, "Are you dead, yet?"
"Ummmmm....nope. I'm on the phone talking to you - aren't I?," Troy replied.
After another day had passed, the "Voodoo-ist" called and asked again, "Are you dead, yet?"
Troy replied, "No, not yet. Keep trying."
"I don't understand. You should be dead by now. Well, I'll have to cast another spell or mix another magic potion..." the Voodoo-ist said.
"Have at it," offered Troy.

Needless to say, Troy deleted his profile from the online dating site. And, he tolerated the calls from the "Voodoo-ist" for a few more days until Troy threatened to press criminal charges. The
"Voodoo-ist" never blocked his cell number. Now, it's back to the old drawing board for Troy.

Until next week, keep praising HIS name!
Sir Charles

All of my books and ebooks are available at http://www.iuniverse.com/ and http://www.xlibris.com/ - Charles Carroll Lee. They will also make for some nice summer readings. Just saying...)

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

We're Having A Heat Wave! (Season Finale)



I guess it is no surprise that most of the United States has been under a heat wave. During the hot, humid and sticky weather; I thought about elementary school and spending some summer days at my grandparents house. Back in those days, the school buildings were not air-conditioned nor were my grandparent's home. The classrooms had high ceilings, large lights that hung from the ceiling that generated massive amounts of heat and thick shades adorned the windows.

One particular humid day in early June after lunch and recess; Mrs. Woodard instructed her fourth grade class to have a seat. We all obeyed her command. She turned off the lights and walked to each window to pull down the heavy shades. Mrs. Woodward further commanded that we make paper fans to cool ourselves and to remain quite for the rest of the day. Her thinking was that if we talked too much that it will increase the room temperature - making it that much hotter. Some of us asked for permission to place a cold, wet paper towel on our forehead to which she obliged.

So, there we were; a bunch of fourth graders sitting in a semi-dark room; fanning with homemade paper fans and holding a cold compress on our heads. Those were the good old days. After leaving school, I made my normal trip to Mother Gertrude and Papa's hot house. Actually, it felt like a sauna. I didn't say anything back then because I was only nine-years old and wasn't paying any bills. Mother Gertrude had the draperies drawn to block out the noon day sun; and Papa had turned on a large, green electric fan and placed it in the middle of the family room. Well, the fan was just circulating hot air - that was it. But, it still feels like the good old days.

Just last week, while sitting at my desk at work and listening to my co-workers complain about the oppressive heat; I thought I felt the building shake.
"It's another earthquake!" Denny Crown announced.
"Where are my keys, straw hat and cell phone?" I thought to myself.
Finding my belongings while Denny Crown looked out the window to see what was going on; my immediate thought was to take shelter underneath my desk.
"I think the earthquake is over, Charles," Denny offered.
"Thank goodness. A heat wave - now an earthquake," I said.

Minutes later while waiting for my print job to complete in the copy room, Yolanda Scruggs arrived. She looked at me with a few thoughts in her eyes.

"What's going on, Yolanda?"
"I was on the phone a few minutes ago," she answered.
"And?"
"Well, I was standing up when the phone rang; then I decided to sit down," replied Yolanda.
"And?"
"The chair rolled away from me as I was sitting down....don't laugh, Charles."
"What happened?"
"I fell on the floor."
Holding back a laugh, I said, "You know what?"
"What?"
"I felt the building shake a few minutes ago. I had grabbed my straw hat, keys and cell phone and started to hide underneath my desk. I thought we were having an earthquake. That was you?"
"With every fiber of my being; I hate you...."

_____________________________________________________________________

Thursday, July 26th will mark one-year of blog writing with well over 11,000 pageviews. I want to thank each of you for reading, smiling and sharing my postings. I am going to take a short hiatus and will return on Wednesday, August 1, 2012. In the meantime, I will repost two of the most popular blog postings over the next couple of Wednesdays.

Keep praising HIS name. Peace and Blessings Always!
Sir Charles

All of my books and ebooks are available at http://www.iuniverse.com/ and http://www.xlibris.com/ - Charles Carroll Lee. They will also make for some nice summer readings. Just saying...)


Wednesday, July 4, 2012

The Fourth of July (The Fire Is Going To Fall On My Head)


(Year: Circa 1970's)

"Auuuuugggghhhh!" I screamed at the stop of my lungs while sitting on Daddy's shoulders. "Put me on the ground."
"Boy, what's wrong with you?" Daddy asked as we stood outdoors. He then consented to my request.
"Make it stop, Daddy!  It's going to fall on me!" I responded as I grabbed his leg with both arms.
"It can't hurt you," Daddy had reassured.
"Auuuuuugggghhhh!" I screamed again. "All this noise! And the explosions! The fire is going to fall on my head!"
Trying to hold back a smile, Daddy replied, "No, it's not. It's not fire. You don't like this?
"Hell no!" I thought. I continued, "I said, it's going to fall on my head and burn me up. Mom is going to be real, real mad at you, if that happens."

Seconds later, we heard several explosions in rapid succession. I screamed once more; held onto Daddy's leg for dear life and may have even fainted. I recited the Lord's Prayer while believing that the entire world was coming to a dramatic and explosive end.

Disappointed, Daddy asked, "Well, are you ready to go home?"
"Hell yeah!" was my desired reply. Instead, I replied, "Yes."

Fast forward years later:

My lovely and playful five-year-old niece, Noir asked, "Guess where I've been?" as she sat next to me on the sofa.
"I give up. Where?" I asked while channel surfing on the television set.
"To see the fireworks on the military base for the Fourth of July. Oh, and Granddaddy is fixing me a sandwich, too," Noir replied all at once.
"The two of you went to see the fireworks? What kind of sandwich?" I asked with a touch of disappointment in my voice.
"Yes, we went to see the fireworks. It was fun, too. Grandaddy is making me a sardine sandwich. Want one?"
"Why wasn't I invited to see the fireworks? And, hell no to the sandwich idea. It's just nasty," I responded.
Releasing a laugh, Noir replied, "Granddaddy said that you are scared of the fireworks. He took you to see them a long time ago, and you screamed and held onto his leg the entire time. Did you faint for real?"
"He wasn't suppose to tell you that. I was five or six - maybe seven when Daddy took me to see the fireworks. No, I did not faint. And, what is Grandaddy putting in the sardine sandwich?" I replied mixing the truth with some lies.
"How old are you, now?" asked Noir.
"I'm seventeen," I replied. "What's the recipe?"
After some thought, Noir replied, "Well, if you play Candy Land or Uno with me. I'll tell you what's in the sardine sandwich. He's in the kitchen fixing it, right now."
Sighing, I answered, "You always cheat at board games and cards; but okay. Brush your teeth after you eat that sandwich. I can only imagine what your Granddaddy put in it. And your whole head may explode like the Fourth of July fireworks after you eat it, too."

If you have a fondness for sardines and/or find them delicious (for some strange reason); leave me a nice comment (more than two would be amazing), and I will share Daddy's sardine sandwich recipe on next week.

Happy Independence Day!
Until next week....Keep praising HIS name!
Sir Charles

All of my books and ebooks are available at http://www.iuniverse.com/ and http://www.xlibris.com/ - Charles Carroll Lee. They will also make for some nice summer readings. Just saying...)