Monday, December 5, 2011

The Perfect Diet

My high school and Facebook friend came across the following story. Upon reading it, she immediately thought that I was the original author of the story. Unfortunately, I cannot take credit for it, and I wish I could. But, it sounds like something I would say and do.  Plus, it brought a smile to my face. Now, I did take some creative liberty to make it just a little more readable. So, here it is:

One cloudy Saturday morning, I was buying a large bag of dog food in Wal-Mart for my dogs. As usual, the superstore was packed with screaming toddlers as persons in hoveround wheelchairs weaved up and down the narrow aisles. Sales associates scurried about the store while others casually calculated their customer's purchases on the cash registers. The faint sounds of Christmas music could be heard over the PA system. While standing in the long check-out line and praying that I didn't forget an important item; a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. I thought to myself, "Why else would I be buying dog food?" After a quick thought, I decided to engage the middle-aged woman in conversation. Besides, the check-out line was at a stand still, and the bag of dog food was getting heavier and more cumbersome by the minute.

 I said to the woman, "No, I don't have a dog. I am starting the Purina Diet again."
"Really?" she asked in reply.
"Yes, and I probably shouldn't. I ended up in the hospital last time, and I had lost fifty pounds before I had awakened in intensive care," I said.
"You did?"
"Yep, and I had tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms,"  I replied as I readjusted the bag of dog food in my arms.
"Oh my!" the woman exclaimed.
Since I had her full attention, I continued, "Purina Dog Chow is essentially a perfect diet. All you have to do is load your pockets with nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. I eat 'Beggin' Strips' for breakfast."
"Ohhhhhh," she replied with a look of hysteria. The woman placed her smooth hand near her neck as though she was clutching a string of pearls.
"The food is nutritionally complete with fiber and vitamins. Therefore, it works well. I can't wait to try it again," I offered.

During this phase, practically everyone in the check-out line was now enthralled with my story. The woman, now horrified, decided to ask another question.

"Did you end up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned you?"
"No, I stepped off a curb to sniff a French Poodle and a car hit me," I replied with a straight face.

I thought the guy behind her in line was going to have a heart attack because he was laughing so hard.  The woman glared at me in disbelief, rolled her soft brown eyes and continued through the check-out line without muttering another word. Go figure.

Until next week....keep praising His name,
Sir Charles

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(My novels are available on - Charles Carroll Lee)

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