Wednesday, April 29, 2015

It's A Cup Holder

The nearly seventy-year-old non-profit employee, Thelma Grant, stood in front of her cubicle. She folded her arms across her chest and searched up and down the corridor for someone to help her. Thelma enjoys her second career at the agency and plans to retire within the next few months to spend more time with her husband, children and grandkids.

Becoming slightly impatient, Thelma strolled up the corridor and found Janelle McQueen sitting in the CEO's office. Janelle was sitting across from her supervisor with feet apart, elbows on her lap and head hung low. It looked as though Janelle was sitting on the toilet. "He must be talking bull crap to her, again," Thelma thought.  She returned to her cubicle and found Dennis Johnson, the IT manager walking in her direction.

"Oh, Dennis! Can you help me?"
Dennis replied, "Sure. What do you need?"
"Well, my cup holder is broken?"
"Huh? How do you think I can fix a cup holder?" asked Dennis.
Smiling at the young man, Thelma replied, "I heard that you can fix anything. Step into my cube."
"Where's the cup holder?"
"It's right here, Dennis," Thelma replied, pointing to her cup holder.
"Huh?"
"See, it won't come out." Demonstrating her morning ritual with the computer, Thelma continued, "Every morning when I arrive, I push this little button on the hard drive. Then, the round tray with the hole comes out. This is where I place my hot coffee or iced drinks. I think it's just a great invention."
In a state of shock, Dennis offered, "Ummmm...Mrs. Grant...that's your disc drive."
"No, Dennis. It's a cup holder, and I need it fixed...right away."
"It's for a disc, not a cup, Mrs. Grant."
"No, it's a cup holder!" Thelma insisted.
Taking a deep breath and biting his bottom lip, Dennis acquiesced, "Okay, you're absolutely correct. Actually, this project is too big for my limited knowledge. So, I'm going to have a computer contractor come here and fix this for you. Hopefully, they will be here before lunch."
"Thanks, dear."
"You're going to feel like an idiot when they confirm it's a disc drive," Dennis thought. He stepped outside of Thelma's cubicle and yelled toward Samuel Harlow's office, "Janelle McQueen! Hurry up! I need lunch and a drink....right now! I know it's only 10:30 in the morning!"

Until next time, keep praising HIS name,
Sir Charles

***This blog has reached 50,000 page views! Thank you!***

Soft cover and ebooks of my novels
"In The Black," "Behind Every Dark Cloud – Second Edition" and "Preacher Man"
are available at www.xlibris.com Charles Carroll Lee    
“I enjoy your blog postings so much, that I have linked it to my blog at www.thesavannahjpublications.com/” ~ Savannah J

Thursday, April 23, 2015

Did You Type, PASSWORD....?

"Dennis Johnson!" Samuel Harlow, the CEO of a small non-profit agency, shouted into the telephone
receiver. He had an emergency with his computer and wanted it corrected, immediately.
In a calm and rational tone, Dennis replied, "Yes, Mr. Harlow. How may I help you?"
"I've been away from the office for a few days and forgot my password. I need you to help me... right now. I have a major presentation this afternoon," Mr. Harlow replied in frustration.
"Dumb ass!" Dennis thought. The IT manager turned toward his keyboard and clicked a few keys until he reached Samuel Harlow's account. Dennis continued, "I'm changing your password, right now."
Breathing a sigh of relief, Mr. Harlow stated, "Thank you."
After a few more clicks of the keyboard, Dennis stated, "Your new password is 'PASSWORD' in all caps. You can change it later."
"Thanks," Mr. Harlow stated as he immediately terminated the call.

Minutes later, Dennis' phone rung once again. "The password you gave me isn't working, Dennis! What the hell are we paying you for?!?"
Collecting his thoughts and taking a few deep breaths, Dennis replied, "Did you type, 'PASSWORD' in all caps?"
"Yes, I did! Come down here and fix this, now!"

Dennis marched toward the CEO's office. He entered the sparsely decorated room without speaking to the secretary or greeting Mr. Harlow. Dennis' blood was boiling and smoke was escaping from his ears.
"What are you typing?" Dennis asked while Mr. Harlow retyped the new password.
"I'm typing, 'PASSWORD IN ALL CAPS,' just like you told me!"
"You dumb ass muther fucker!" Dennis shouted within his mind. Exhaling, Dennis reached for a sticky note and a pen on Mr. Harlow's cluttered desk and wrote in capital letters, 'PASSWORD.'" Showing Mr. Harlow the sticky note, Dennis requested, "I need for you to type this word exactly as you see it." "You jackass," he wanted to say aloud.
Mr. Harlow followed his employee instructions and was instantly surprised that he was now logged onto his personal computer. "Thanks, Dennis."
Dennis thought, "Kiss my ass." Instead, he replied, "You're welcome," and quickly exited the CEO's office to finish updating his resume and job application.


Until next time, keep praising HIS name,
Sir Charles

***This blog has reached 50,000 page views! Thank you!***

Soft cover and ebooks of my novels
"In The Black," "Behind Every Dark Cloud – Second Edition" and "Preacher Man"
are available at www.xlibris.com Charles Carroll Lee    
“I enjoy your blog postings so much, that I have linked it to my blog at www.thesavannahjpublications.com/” ~ Savannah J

Thursday, April 16, 2015

Some More Misprints in Church Bulletins

Since 2012, my earlier blog posting, "Misprints in Church Bulletins," has received 6,312 views. It's by far my most read posting. So, I have decided to share "Some More Misprints in Church Bulletins."

Sir Charles
__________________________________________________________________________________

1.  Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come  hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

2. The Rev. Meredith spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.

3. On a church bulletin during the minister’s illness: GOD IS GOOD; Dr. Hargreaves is better.

4. Applications are now being accepted for 2 year-old nursery workers.

5. Let us join David and Lisa in the celebration of their wedding and bring their happiness to a conclusion.

6. The Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7:00 p.m. to 8:30 p.m. Please, use the back door.

7. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24th in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

8. During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

9. The 2015 Spring Council Retreat will be hell on May 10th  and 11th.

10. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Reverend and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

11. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7:00 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Source:  http://pastors.com/44-funny-church-bulletin-bloopers-to-make-you-smile/

Until next time, keep praising HIS name,
Sir Charles


Soft cover and ebooks of my novels
"In The Black," "Behind Every Dark Cloud – Second Edition" and "Preacher Man"
are available at www.xlibris.com Charles Carroll Lee    
 
“I enjoy your blog postings so much, that I have linked it to my blog at www.thesavannahjpublications.com/” ~ Savannah J

Sunday, February 22, 2015

I Swallowed Him!

Ava Balthrop stood on the grassy shore among Isaac Chambers' grieving relatives and friends. The brisk wind rushed across her shoulder length hair and black dress. In the midst of her wailing, the warm March breeze felt good on Ava's skin. Isaac Chambers had died on top of Ava during an afternoon of passion. Ava always knew that Isaac's retirement check was deposited into his account on the third of each month. So, she made sure that Isaac was a happy man and received a monetary incentive for her "visits." And Isaac paid her very well for her "services."

Isaac's daughter, Carla, glared at Ava during the shore side memorial service. "How dare she show her face here and cry like she's the grieving widow," Carla mumbled. She continued, "I wish she would shut the hell up. All that crying is making my head hurt." Ava sobbed even more loudly as the preacher led the mourners in prayer.

The deceased last request was to have his ashes tossed into the river because he had spent so much time there having picnics with his former wife, children and friends. After the minister had delivered the benediction, Carla moved closer to the shore and removed the urn's lid. Her twin brother, Carlos, stood next to her with Ava moving to the other side of Carla.

As the ashes were released from its container, another gust of wind rushed across the beach as Ava released another hard cry. The hard breeze suddenly changed its direction and carried most of Isaac's remains directly into Ava's open and sobbing mouth. She could feel all of Isaac flying down her throat. She began to cough profusely.

"Damn it! I swallowed him! I can feel some bone in my throat!" Ava exclaimed. She continued to cough as Carlos and a few of the mourners laughed, hysterically. Carla was in a state of shock as the remainder of her father's ashes flew into the river.

"What am I suppose to do?!?" Ava coughed toward Carla. "He went into my mouth!"
Narrowing her eyes at Ava, Carla stated, "I'm sure my father was always in your mouth. So, this shouldn't be anything new to you. Now, you can rest assure that he will ALWAYS be with you...since he didn't leave you anything in his will."
Ava coughed, "You evil bitch!"
"Likewise."

Until next week, keep praising HIS name,
Sir Charles


Soft cover and ebooks of my novels
"In The Black," "Behind Every Dark Cloud – Second Edition" and "Preacher Man"
are available at www.xlibris.com Charles Carroll Lee    
 
“I enjoy your blog postings so much, that I have linked it to my blog at www.thesavannahjpublications.com/” ~ Savannah J


Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Child Birth at Sixty-Five

Hello,

Just like the television shows, it's the season premiere of the "Smile Network with Sir Charles." The following is a reprint of an email that I received a few weeks ago. I hope you enjoy it.

Sir Charles 
____________________________________


With all the new technology regarding fertility, a sixty-five-year-old friend of mine, Janet, was recently able to give birth. I went to visit when she and the bundle of joy were discharged from the hospital.
"May I see the new baby?" I asked, entering her spacious and tastefully decorated home.
"Not yet." Janet continued, "I'll make us some coffee, and we can visit for a while." She ushered me into the well-lit yellow and exposed brick kitchen. 
After thirty-minutes of coffee and talking had passed, I asked, "May I see the new baby, now?"
"No, not yet," Janet replied, sipping her coffee and changing the subject.
Now, several minutes had elapsed with more coffee and conversation. I asked again, "May I see the baby, now?"
Once more my friend replied, "No, not yet."
Growing very impatient, I asked, "Why not? When can I see the baby?"
"WHEN HE CRIES!" Janet exclaimed.
"When he cries?" I repeated in a state of confusion. "Why do I have to wait until he cries?"
"Because, I forget where I put him...Okay?!?"

Until next week, keep praising HIS name,
Sir Charles


Soft cover and ebooks of my novels
"In The Black," "Behind Every Dark Cloud – Second Edition" and "Preacher Man"
are available at www.xlibris.com Charles Carroll Lee    
 
“I enjoy your blog postings so much, that I have linked it to my blog at www.thesavannahjpublications.com/” ~ Savannah J

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

A Life Well Lived



(Welcome guest blogger, Samantha Brewer. Read "A Fortunate Accident" and "Can't You Marry Someone Else?")

My estranged husband, Roger, has been calling me repeatedly since I left him several weeks ago. His constant whining, complaining and overspending was driving me crazy as well as his "women" on the side. One day, I decided to answer his telephone call just so he would leave me alone. I was enjoying my days at work and coming home to my quiet apartment. Our children applauded me for leaving Roger and taking some time to sort out my marriage. During our brief conversation, Roger stated that his doctor gave him five years to live.
"Five years?" I asked in disbelief.
"Yep. I have five years left on this earth," Roger offered.
"For what?"
"I have a leaky heart valve."
"A leaky heart valve?" I repeated. After some thought, I asked, "I thought doctors give patients six months to a year to live. Nowadays, there's so much that they can do for heart problems. How did you get five years?"
"I dunno. Can you come back to me for the rest of my five years?" asked Roger.
I replied, "No. But make sure your life is a life well lived," as I ended the call.  
I think Roger wants me to return home to help him with the mortgage payment and car note.  You know, there's only five years left on the house note, and one year left on his car note. I'm just saying...

Yours truly,
Samantha Brewer

 Soft cover and ebooks of my novels In The Black, Behind Every Dark Cloud – Second Edition and Preacher Man are available at
Charles Carroll Lee
“I enjoy your blog postings so much, that I have linked it to my blog at http://www.thesavannahjpublications.com/”
~ Savannah J

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Private Parts

One summer day, I had quite a bit of action around my "private parts." Let's keep our minds out of the gutter for just a few moments. For starters, I drove to work as usual and was quite relieved that there was no congestion on the highway and by-ways. Pulling into my favorite space on the surface parking lot, I donned my ID badge, retrieved an empty box that I had "borrowed" along with my iced coffee and newspaper. My hands were full.

Walking across the crowded parking lot and busy street, I finally found myself walking into my office building. I greeted the security officer and met my co-worker, Stella Davidson, in front of the elevators. Since my office building is heavily secured, each employee is required to wear their ID badges at all times, and it is also used to grant elevator access to the upper floors. Stella used one hand to rummage through her over-sized handbag.

"Darn it! I left my ID badge in the car," she stated.
"Use mine," I offered, still holding an empty box, newspaper and iced coffee.
Stella reached for my badge that was hanging from my belt loop and accidentally hit my "private parts."  "Oops, excuse me," Stella stated, as she swiped us to our designated floor.

Later that same day, I decided to have lunch at a Mexican restaurant. It is small and crowded. Customers were seated at small tables and a line stretched from the cash register to the front door with a few people lingering outdoors. After a few minutes, the cook had called my number to let me know that my lunch order was ready. Moving through a maze of people to reach the counter, a woman who was short in stature was using excessive hand gestures while dramatizing a story to her lunch companions. As I moved past the diminutive woman, she hit me in my "private parts" with one of her hand gestures.

"Ouch," I mumbled.
"Excuse me, sir! I am so sorry," the short woman stated.
"Ummm...that's okay. I hope you didn't hurt your hand when you hit me "down there," I offered with a broad smile.

Until next time, keep praising His name!
Sir Charles

Soft cover and ebooks of my novels In The Black, Behind Every Dark Cloud – Second Edition and Preacher Man are available at
https://www.xlibris.com

Charles Carroll Lee

"I enjoy your blog postings so much, that I have linked it to my blog at http://www.thesavannahjpublications.com/" ~ Savannah J., Author