Swish and Swallow

"I went to the dentist, today," Florena Braxton announced into the telephone.
"Oh yeah?" I asked, waiting for more information. I enjoy my weekly call with my childhood friend. Instinctively, I knew that this conversation would become quite interesting.
"Yes, I have some issues going on in my mouth," replied Florena.
Taking a sip of bourbon, I asked, "Like what?"
"Well, I have a little fungus on my gums."
I replied, "Ewwwwwww! Gross, Florena." With a devilish grin, I then asked, "What have you been 'sucking' on to get a fungus?"
"Nothing. I haven't done 'that' in over a year - Charles C."
After I had released a hearty laugh, I asked, "Really? What does the dentist want you to do about your fungus?"
"He gave me a prescription for some mouthwash. I have to swish it around in my mouth. I told the dentist that it's been a while since I 'swished' something around in my mouth," replied Florena. She appeared to be laughing on the other end of the phone. Florena continued, "Thanks again for pushing my car out of the mud last Friday night."
"You're welcome. I got my nice pair of jeans muddy for you," I announced.
"Ohhhh, I appreciate that. You're such a good friend," offered Florena.
"Whatever. Now, let's get back to the good stuff. When is your follow-up?" I asked.
"It will happen after I have finished using the mouthwash. The dentist said that I should not swallow the mouthwash, either."
I chuckled at Florena's last statement, and asked, "So, you don't 'swallow'?"
"You are so nasty. You know, I told the dentist that I haven't 'swallowed' anything in a very long time. He and his assistant almost died laughing. Yes, I used to 'swish and swallow' - back in the day. And furthermore, I hope that I don't find my trip to the dentist as one of your blog posts, either."

Until next week, keep praising HIS name!

Sir Charles

"When I read your stories, it is truly like a box of cherries, I NEVER know WHAT I'm gonna get." ~ a regular blog reader

In The Black

Preacher Man

and

Behind Every Dark Cloud - The Critically Acclaimed Novel - The Second Edition

Available at www.xlibris.com www.amazon.com www.barnesandnoble.com - Charles Carroll Lee. Soft cover and ebook.

Aren't You Jerry Thompson? (In Jesus' Name)

Dylan McQueen had dropped his son, Michael or 'Buddy' as he affectionately known, off for his swimming lesson at the YMCA. His wife, Janelle, decided to treat herself to a day at the spa. So, Dylan decided to use his free time to visit his uncle in the hospital. He arrived at the large hospital immediately after breakfast was served. Dylan found his way to Jerry Thompson's room and gently tapped on the door. Jerry appeared excited to see his sister's son.

"Come on in! I'll be out of here in two days! How's my nephew?" Jerry announced in a cheery, upbeat tone.
Taking a seat near his uncle, Dylan replied, "I'm good, Uncle. I wish you were."
"Ohhhh, don't worry about me. I'm going to be just fine. The doctor and nurses are doing a good job," Jerry stated. "How are Janelle and Michael?"
"They are good, too. I think Janelle's niece is going to move in with us. Her mother is gone, and we don't know who or where her father is."
"Okay. How do you feel about that?" asked Jerry as he pulled the top sheet to his chest.
"I'm fine with it. Buddy is excited to have someone to blame stuff on."
"Ha! I bet Michael is.." Jerry started to say before he found two visitors at his hospital door.

The two female visitors were tall in stature and pleasingly plump. They both wore black wigs and black outfits. White doilies adorned their heads. Standing to greet his uncle's visitors, Dylan said, "Hi. Come on in." The two ladies hugged and kissed Dylan on the cheek. He now smelled of "eau de toilet."
"How are you doing, Jerry?" asked one of the ladies. She finally released Dylan from her bear hug.
"I'm doing just great. Hopefully, I can go home in a day or two," he replied.

The two ladies took a seat near Jerry while Dylan sat on the spacious window sill. They engaged one another in conversation for fifteen minutes. After a brief pause, Jerry had a question for one of his visitors.

"Janice, have you seen or heard from cousin Rollie?"
"Who? I'm not 'Janice'?"
"You're not?" asked Jerry as his jaw dropped to his chest in shock.
"No, I'm not," the lady, replied.
"Aren't you were my cousin, Janice McLaughlin? I haven't seen her in years. Who in the hell are you, then?" asked Jerry. Dylan giggled while sitting in the window sill.
"I am Sister Ida Mae Banks, and this is Sister Debra Irene Jones. We are from your church - the Seventh Street Baptist Church Missionary and Visitation Society. We just wanted to stop by for a visit and pray with you." Dylan knew that Jerry was a member of Fourth Baptist Church. "This is getting good," Dylan thought.
"Ohhhh...I appreciate that, but...."
Interrupting, Sister Banks asked, "Well, aren't you Jerry Thompson?"
"I sure am."
"Ohhhh....." Sister Banks muttered as her voice trailed off. She now realized that there was something unfamiliar about Jerry.
 "Don't you belong to our church?" asked Sister Jones.
"No," Jerry replied.
Sister Jones asked, "Can I use the telephone to call the church, please? We left our cell phones in the car. There must be some mistake," all while picking up the telephone that was resting on Jerry's bed.
"Sure," replied Dylan. He was dying of laughter deep inside his spirit.

Sister Jones called the church to verify the name and room number of the person they were scheduled to visit, she asked, "Are we supposed to visit Brother Jerry Thompson, and what room is he in?" After a few seconds had passed, Sister Jones exclaimed, "Fuck! Damn it! Not again! Shit! I can't believe this gaddamn mess!" She quickly ended the call.
Now, turning her attention toward Sister Ida Mae Banks, Sister Jones stated, "Well, it looks like we're on the wrong floor. We have to leave," as she headed toward the door.
Grabbing her large handbag from the floor, Sister Debra Irene Jones announced, "We done messed up, again. But, we sure hope you feel better - in Jesus' name."
"Amen," Jerry and Dylan said in unison.

Until next week, keep praising HIS name!

Sir Charles

"When I read your stories, it is truly like a box of cherries, I NEVER know WHAT I'm gonna get." ~ a regular blog reader

                        In The Black

Preacher Man

and

Behind Every Dark Cloud - The Critically Acclaimed Novel - The Second Edition

Available at www.xlibris.com www.amazon.com www.barnesandnoble.com - Charles Carroll Lee. Soft cover and ebook.

You Are Still A Sophomore (Huh?)

The sixty-year old undergraduate student, Saundra Harris, had just finished her final presentation for Economics 402. She is schedule to graduate within a few short days. Saundra thought that she looked nice in her "Hillary Clinton pantsuit" and even wore her dentures for the presentation. Saundra's much younger classmates were dressed in wrinkled slacks, mini-skirts, halter tops, t-shirts, or baggy clothes for their presentations. And one of Saundra's male classmates, Tyson Braxton, even wore a tight skirt with leggings.

Seated behind Saundra, Tyson leaned in and whispered, "Do you think anyone thinks I'm gay?"
Scanning Tyson from head-to-toe over her shoulder, Saundra whispered in return, "No. I doubt it." She thought, "I hope he knows that I'm lying."

Following the presentations and some harsh fashion critiques from Doctor Patrick Adekoya, Chairman of the Economics Department; Saundra remained after class to speak with her favorite professor. She specifically wanted to know her final grade in hopes of graduating Summa Cum Laude. During their conversation, Tiffany Wells, a graduating senior flew into the partially empty classroom. She scanned the room and only saw Saundra and the professor.

Slightly out of breath, Tiffany announced, "I'm sorry, Doctor Adekoya, but I had to buy my cap and gown and mail my invitations. I'm so sorry that I missed my presentation. Can I do it right now?"
"No," Doctor Adekoya replied.
"Why? I have it right here," asked Tiffany. She turned her attention toward Saundra and said, "Hey, Ma," - which is Saundra's nickname on the medium-sized campus. Tiffany continued, "Ma, I thought you were going to run for homecoming queen last year."
Saundra replied, "Girl, I'm too old for that stuff. I'm trying to graduate - on time."
Interrupting the conversation, Doctor Adekoya stated, "Miss Wells, you have missed a very important presentation and...."
"I know. I know. I can still do it, now. My parents are coming here from their vacation in France to see me graduate."
"Miss Wells, this is the second time that you have taken this required Economics class. You got a "C" the first time. And this time - you have a "F," Doctor Adekoya stated. "I don't know why you took this class again," he added.
"Huh?"
"Did I stutter?" asked Doctor Adekoya as he turned toward his computer screen. He began to type on his keyboard. Saundra wanted to disappear into thin air.
Tiffany asked, "What are you saying?"
"I am saying that you have failed this class," Doctor Adekoya repeated.
"I can still graduate."
Studying his computer monitor, Doctor Adekoya stated, "Well, no you cannot."
"Huh?"
"You have a 1.2 grade point average and only completed 24 semester hours. You've dropped quite a few classes and have so many "I's" that have turned into "F's" - that I cannot count them all. It looks like you are still a....."
"Huh? What are you saying?" Tiffany asked in a panic.
"What I am saying is - call your parents and tell them to stay in France. You are still a sophomore and not a graduating. You may can take back your cap and gown and get your money back."

Upon hearing the news, Tiffany fell into a chair that Saundra had quietly slid behind her. Tiffany stared off into space wondering how she was going to break the news to her parents - again. She seemed to be in a catatonic state.
"Miss Harris would you like to join me in the faculty dining room for lunch? And it looks like you are graduating Summa Cum Laude,"  Doctor Adekoya announced.
"That's great news!  I sure would love to have lunch with you! But, what about Tiffany? Is she still alive?" asked Saundra.
"Yes. Let her keep staring into space. She and I went through this same thing last year when she had a 0.5 grade point average," Doctor Adekoya stated. He retrieved his briefcase and walked out of the classroom with Saundra Harris one step in front of him.

Until next week, keep praising HIS name!

Sir Charles

"When I read your stories, it is truly like a box of cherries, I NEVER know WHAT I'm gonna get." ~ a regular blog reader

                        In The Black

Preacher Man

and

Behind Every Dark Cloud - The Critically Acclaimed Novel - The Second Edition

Available at www.xlibris.com www.amazon.com www.barnesandnoble.com - Charles Carroll Lee. Soft cover and ebook.

I Need To Be Seen (The Clinic)

Jeffrey Brown whispered, "I need to be seen," to Helen Thomas, the front desk clerk. Jeffrey felt a little uneasy as he entered the Neighborhood Free Clinic, which is widely known for treating sexually transmitted infections (STI) at a low cost or on a sliding fee scale. It is also better known as "The Clinic."
"I'm sorry, can you repeat that?" Helen asked.
"I need to be seen," he whispered again, but slightly louder.
Studying the well-dressed man before her, Helen asked in a low voice, "What seems to be the problem?"
"I think I have a STI," Jeffrey whispered.
"Okay." Helen handed Jeffrey a clipboard with some forms to be completed and an ink pen. She continued, "Please, fill out these forms and come back to my desk so that I can register you into our system and give you a number."

Jeffrey completed the required forms and followed Helen instructions to the letter. He noticed that more people began filing into "The Clinic's" waiting room. After several minutes had passed, Jeffrey's number was called. A male nurse warmly greeted him and kindly led him to "Exam Room 9." This is the room where the staff normally treats their gonorrhea patients.

After some time had passed, the nurse and Jeffrey had emerged from the exam room. The nurse disappeared from sight while Jeffrey retrieved some rectangular shaped color leaflets from his inside jacket pocket. The leaflets contained an image of him and his wife along with some other information. He handed one to each nurse and other staff members en route to the waiting room. Each staff member studied the leaflet and silently laughed.

Later that week, Sunday morning had finally arrived. Jeffrey sat on the pulpit in his black clergy robe waiting to begin his sermon within his medium sized church. His lovely wife, Marketta, sat near the front row styling an over sized hat. Following the opening hymn, the church announcer took his rightful place behind a podium near the rostrum and asked for all visitors to stand and to introduce themselves. Eight nurses and staff members from "The Clinic" stood together in unison. They were all surprised by each others attendance.

A short, male usher handed Nurse Michelle Dickerson a microphone who was standing near the center aisle. She cleared her voice and announced, "Good Morning and praise the Lord!"
The congregation repeated, "Praise the Lord!"
 Michelle continued, "We are all from the Neighborhood Free Clinic better known as "The Clinic." And we are here this morning because the Reverend Jeffrey Brown had extended us an invitation to visit this church during his last visit with us. We also want you to know that we can treat all of your needs, and thank you for having us this morning." Michelle returned the microphone to the usher.

During that moment, Jeffrey wanted to slide out of his throne like chair and drown in the covered baptismal pool beneath him. "Passing out those flyer's about this church at "The Clinic" is by far the dumbest thing I have ever done. What was I thinking? Please, please, God....let this be a bad dream!" Jeffrey thought as the delicate and frail Marketta fainted in her seat.


Until next week, keep praising HIS name!

Sir Charles

"When I read your stories, it is truly like a box of cherries, I NEVER know WHAT I'm gonna get." ~ a regular blog reader

In The Black

Preacher Man

and

Behind Every Dark Cloud - The Critically Acclaimed Novel - The Second Edition

Available at www.xlibris.com www.amazon.com www.barnesandnoble.com - Charles Carroll Lee. Soft cover and ebook.

Small Miracles! (Mellandra Patterson and "The Barbie's")

The lovely Mellandra Patterson was ecstatic to move into her newly renovated office building. During the past several months, Mellandra and her co-workers conducted official business in a temporary location several blocks away. They all referred to their temporary office as a "fish bowl" because the walls were made of glass, and they moved around the edifice like fish in a bowl. One could practically look down the corridor and see another person working in their office.

Mellandra secretly referred to her co-workers as the "Barbie's" because of their long blond hair, railing thin bodies and silicone enhanced breasts. While working in the "fish bowl," Mellandra became a little annoyed because the "Barbie's" would sit at their desks with the office lights turned off. One "Barbie" claimed that she didn't know how to turn on the lights.

On the first day in their new office, the "Barbie's" had miraculously learned to turn on the lights in their new "Dream House" all by themselves. There was no sitting in the dark and no waiting for someone to turn on the lights. "Small miracles!" Mellandra announced as she entered "Barbie's Dream House" for the very first time.

Later that afternoon, Mellandra decided to grab a quick bite to eat and fill up her gas tank at a convenience store several blocks away. After she had pumped a tank of regular gas into her SUV, Mellandra returned to the driver's side of her vehicle, bathed her hands with sanitizer and pulled a large banana from her tote bag. She peeled the fruit very slowly and placed the thick, long banana in her mouth. While her full lips encircled the fruit and turning the ignition switch, Mellandra turned to her left and brought into vision the most handsomest man she has ever seen. He returned Mellandra's lustful stare as he began to pump fuel into his late model sports car. Mellandra held the banana between her delightful lips as she continued her gaze.

After several seconds had passed, Mellandra thought, "I guess I should turn my head, swallow this, eat this banana or spit it out. This is so embarrassing. I wonder what he must think of me." The handsome man thought, "Damn! That girl got some mad skills!"

Until next week, keep praising HIS name!

Sir Charles

"When I read your stories, it is truly like a box of cherries, I NEVER know WHAT I'm gonna get." ~ a regular blog reader

In The Black

Preacher Man

and

Behind Every Dark Cloud - The Critically Acclaimed Novel - The Second Edition

Available at www.xlibris.com www.amazon.com www.barnesandnoble.com - Charles Carroll Lee. Soft cover and ebook.

Get Out...Before We Get Arrested!

Sitting inside of her car in a surface parking lot with dozens of other vehicles, Janelle McQueen asked, "So, where do you want to go for lunch?" in Dennis Johnson's direction. She searched for the ignition key on her cluttered key ring and was surprised that she had left her luxury car unlocked.

"Anywhere would be fine with me," Dennis replied as he sat on the passenger's side of Janelle's late model vehicle. With a puzzled look on  his face, Dennis quickly scanned the inside of Janelle's car. Dennis finally said, "I'm glad Sam Harlow, our CEO, is on vacation this week."
Janelle tried to insert the newly found key into the ignition switch and realized that it doesn't fit. "What is wrong with this key?" she asked aloud. "Where did Mr. Harlow go on vacation?"
"Is that the right key?" asked Dennis, ignoring Janelle's last question.
In frustration, Janelle replied, "Yes, it's the key to this vehicle." She then opened her large handbag to retrieve a spare key.

"I think Mr. Harlow went to the Bahamas or somewhere like that. He got mad the other day because he had me embed the wrong YouTube link on his presentation to the board of directors."
Struggling to get the key into the ignition and becoming increasingly frustrated, Janelle asked, "Really? What was the on link, and why is he mad at you?"
"The link was from the cartoon, 'Tom and Jerry.' They were chasing each other - as usual. Mr. Harlow said that I should have asked why he was using a link from a cartoon. I told him that it wasn't my place to question my supervisor. I thought he wanted to add some humor to the presentation. It was horrible enough. He also said that the board of directors probably thinks that he is a little wacko. I didn't disagree," Dennis replied as he looked in the backseat of Janelle's car. He then looked to his left and then his right.

All of a sudden, Janelle shouted, "What is wrong with this car and these keys?! None of them work!"
"Can I ask you a question?"
Exhaling from frustration, Janelle asked, "Yes, what is it?"
"When did you and your husband, Dylan, have another baby?"
"What?! What are you talking about? she asked in a confused state. "We only have Michael, and he's a teenager," stated Janelle.
Gauging his dear friend and co-worker, Dennis replied, "Well, I noticed that there's a child safety seat in the back of this strange vehicle. And there's a car to our right that I think maybe yours with the same color and everything."
"What?!" Janelle shouted as she inspected the backseat and then the interior of the car. Janelle exclaimed, "Oh God! This isn't my car! No wonder the keys didn't work! We are in the wrong one! Get out, Dennis, before we get arrested! Get out! And don't tell anyone about this!" as she made a hasty exit.
"Okay. I won't," replied Dennis as he stumbled out of the strange car while laughing hysterically.

Until next week, keep praising HIS name!

Sir Charles

"When I read your stories, it is truly like a box of cherries, I NEVER know WHAT I'm gonna get." ~ a regular blog reader

In The Black

Preacher Man

and

Behind Every Dark Cloud - The Critically Acclaimed Novel - The Second Edition

Available at www.xlibris.com www.amazon.com www.barnesandnoble.com - Charles Carroll Lee. Soft cover and ebook.

It's New Year's Eve

(Setting: the early morning hours of New Year's Eve at Wal-Mart)

I had just finished lap swimming at the local fitness facility and had decided to dress for a half-day at work. Lotions and heavy creams had failed to cure my dry hands and feet. So, after donning a black pull over sweater and slacks; I drove to the nearest Wal-Mart to purchase a jar of Vaseline. I immediately became excited when noticing that the superstore was practically void of people. "I have this whole, entire place all to myself," I said aloud.

Walking toward the health and beauty section, I scoured the aisles looking for the Vaseline products. Once I found the product, I glanced at my rough, ashy hands and decided to buy the largest jar on the shelf. I took a leisurely walk to the check out aisle with the large jar in hand and thought of stopping at Starbucks for a large cup of iced coffee before traveling on the highway to work. I needed a large dose of caffeine to keep me awake after a one-mile  swim.

As I made my way to the checkout line, there were two customers placing items on the conveyor belt. Each had long permed hair with slender, delicate bodies and bluish/green eyes (I'm certain that they were wearing contact lenses). One customer placed several feminine hygiene bottles on the conveyor belt while the other pulled money from their pocket. I thought, "All of those feminine hygiene bottles. She must be kind of funky down there." After a few seconds, one of the long hair customers turned in my direction until we were face to face. Immediately, I noticed some very subtle attributes. The other customer displayed the same features. Both customers noticed my large jar of Vaseline that I was holding at chest level. They smiled at the sight of it.

Discreetly, I lowered the jar to thigh level. As I studied the bottles moving along the conveyor belt toward the cashier, I thought, "They must be on the 'receiving end.'" Then, I said, "It looks like the two of you are going to get all "cleaned up" for New Year's Eve."
In a deep, rich baritone voice, one of the customer's replied, "Yeah, we sure are."

Until next week, keep praising HIS name!

Sir Charles

"When I read your stories, it is truly like a box of cherries, I NEVER know WHAT I'm gonna get." ~ a regular blog reader

In The Black

Preacher Man

and

Behind Every Dark Cloud - The Critically Acclaimed Novel - The Second Edition

Available at www.xlibris.com www.amazon.com www.barnesandnoble.com - Charles Carroll Lee. Soft cover and ebook.