Sunday, February 22, 2015

I Swallowed Him!

Ava Balthrop stood on the grassy shore among Isaac Chambers' grieving relatives and friends. The brisk wind rushed across her shoulder length hair and black dress. In the midst of her wailing, the warm March breeze felt good on Ava's skin. Isaac Chambers had died on top of Ava during an afternoon of passion. Ava always knew that Isaac's retirement check was deposited into his account on the third of each month. So, she made sure that Isaac was a happy man and received a monetary incentive for her "visits." And Isaac paid her very well for her "services."

Isaac's daughter, Carla, glared at Ava during the shore side memorial service. "How dare she show her face here and cry like she's the grieving widow," Carla mumbled. She continued, "I wish she would shut the hell up. All that crying is making my head hurt." Ava sobbed even more loudly as the preacher led the mourners in prayer.

The deceased last request was to have his ashes tossed into the river because he had spent so much time there having picnics with his former wife, children and friends. After the minister had delivered the benediction, Carla moved closer to the shore and removed the urn's lid. Her twin brother, Carlos, stood next to her with Ava moving to the other side of Carla.

As the ashes were released from its container, another gust of wind rushed across the beach as Ava released another hard cry. The hard breeze suddenly changed its direction and carried most of Isaac's remains directly into Ava's open and sobbing mouth. She could feel all of Isaac flying down her throat. She began to cough profusely.

"Damn it! I swallowed him! I can feel some bone in my throat!" Ava exclaimed. She continued to cough as Carlos and a few of the mourners laughed, hysterically. Carla was in a state of shock as the remainder of her father's ashes flew into the river.

"What am I suppose to do?!?" Ava coughed toward Carla. "He went into my mouth!"
Narrowing her eyes at Ava, Carla stated, "I'm sure my father was always in your mouth. So, this shouldn't be anything new to you. Now, you can rest assure that he will ALWAYS be with you...since he didn't leave you anything in his will."
Ava coughed, "You evil bitch!"
"Likewise."

Until next week, keep praising HIS name,
Sir Charles


Soft cover and ebooks of my novels
"In The Black," "Behind Every Dark Cloud – Second Edition" and "Preacher Man"
are available at www.xlibris.com Charles Carroll Lee    
 
“I enjoy your blog postings so much, that I have linked it to my blog at www.thesavannahjpublications.com/” ~ Savannah J


Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Child Birth at Sixty-Five

Hello,

Just like the television shows, it's the season premiere of the "Smile Network with Sir Charles." The following is a reprint of an email that I received a few weeks ago. I hope you enjoy it.

Sir Charles 
____________________________________


With all the new technology regarding fertility, a sixty-five-year-old friend of mine, Janet, was recently able to give birth. I went to visit when she and the bundle of joy were discharged from the hospital.
"May I see the new baby?" I asked, entering her spacious and tastefully decorated home.
"Not yet." Janet continued, "I'll make us some coffee, and we can visit for a while." She ushered me into the well-lit yellow and exposed brick kitchen. 
After thirty-minutes of coffee and talking had passed, I asked, "May I see the new baby, now?"
"No, not yet," Janet replied, sipping her coffee and changing the subject.
Now, several minutes had elapsed with more coffee and conversation. I asked again, "May I see the baby, now?"
Once more my friend replied, "No, not yet."
Growing very impatient, I asked, "Why not? When can I see the baby?"
"WHEN HE CRIES!" Janet exclaimed.
"When he cries?" I repeated in a state of confusion. "Why do I have to wait until he cries?"
"Because, I forget where I put him...Okay?!?"

Until next week, keep praising HIS name,
Sir Charles


Soft cover and ebooks of my novels
"In The Black," "Behind Every Dark Cloud – Second Edition" and "Preacher Man"
are available at www.xlibris.com Charles Carroll Lee    
 
“I enjoy your blog postings so much, that I have linked it to my blog at www.thesavannahjpublications.com/” ~ Savannah J

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

A Life Well Lived



(Welcome guest blogger, Samantha Brewer. Read "A Fortunate Accident" and "Can't You Marry Someone Else?")

My estranged husband, Roger, has been calling me repeatedly since I left him several weeks ago. His constant whining, complaining and overspending was driving me crazy as well as his "women" on the side. One day, I decided to answer his telephone call just so he would leave me alone. I was enjoying my days at work and coming home to my quiet apartment. Our children applauded me for leaving Roger and taking some time to sort out my marriage. During our brief conversation, Roger stated that his doctor gave him five years to live.
"Five years?" I asked in disbelief.
"Yep. I have five years left on this earth," Roger offered.
"For what?"
"I have a leaky heart valve."
"A leaky heart valve?" I repeated. After some thought, I asked, "I thought doctors give patients six months to a year to live. Nowadays, there's so much that they can do for heart problems. How did you get five years?"
"I dunno. Can you come back to me for the rest of my five years?" asked Roger.
I replied, "No. But make sure your life is a life well lived," as I ended the call.  
I think Roger wants me to return home to help him with the mortgage payment and car note.  You know, there's only five years left on the house note, and one year left on his car note. I'm just saying...

Yours truly,
Samantha Brewer

 Soft cover and ebooks of my novels In The Black, Behind Every Dark Cloud – Second Edition and Preacher Man are available at
Charles Carroll Lee
“I enjoy your blog postings so much, that I have linked it to my blog at http://www.thesavannahjpublications.com/”
~ Savannah J

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Private Parts

One summer day, I had quite a bit of action around my "private parts." Let's keep our minds out of the gutter for just a few moments. For starters, I drove to work as usual and was quite relieved that there was no congestion on the highway and by-ways. Pulling into my favorite space on the surface parking lot, I donned my ID badge, retrieved an empty box that I had "borrowed" along with my iced coffee and newspaper. My hands were full.

Walking across the crowded parking lot and busy street, I finally found myself walking into my office building. I greeted the security officer and met my co-worker, Stella Davidson, in front of the elevators. Since my office building is heavily secured, each employee is required to wear their ID badges at all times, and it is also used to grant elevator access to the upper floors. Stella used one hand to rummage through her over-sized handbag.

"Darn it! I left my ID badge in the car," she stated.
"Use mine," I offered, still holding an empty box, newspaper and iced coffee.
Stella reached for my badge that was hanging from my belt loop and accidentally hit my "private parts."  "Oops, excuse me," Stella stated, as she swiped us to our designated floor.

Later that same day, I decided to have lunch at a Mexican restaurant. It is small and crowded. Customers were seated at small tables and a line stretched from the cash register to the front door with a few people lingering outdoors. After a few minutes, the cook had called my number to let me know that my lunch order was ready. Moving through a maze of people to reach the counter, a woman who was short in stature was using excessive hand gestures while dramatizing a story to her lunch companions. As I moved past the diminutive woman, she hit me in my "private parts" with one of her hand gestures.

"Ouch," I mumbled.
"Excuse me, sir! I am so sorry," the short woman stated.
"Ummm...that's okay. I hope you didn't hurt your hand when you hit me "down there," I offered with a broad smile.

Until next time, keep praising His name!
Sir Charles

Soft cover and ebooks of my novels In The Black, Behind Every Dark Cloud – Second Edition and Preacher Man are available at
https://www.xlibris.com

Charles Carroll Lee

"I enjoy your blog postings so much, that I have linked it to my blog at http://www.thesavannahjpublications.com/" ~ Savannah J., Author

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

How To Start A Fight



A good friend sent me the following quips. I am not sure of the origin, but I thought they were funny and certainly worth sharing.

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
________________________________
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, ‘Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
_______________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
______________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 165 in about 2 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale. And then the fight started......
______________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........
________________________________
I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started.

Until next time...Keep praising His Name!
Sir Charles

Soft cover and ebooks of my novels In The Black, Behind Every Dark Cloud – Second Edition and Preacher Man are available at www.xlibris.com Charles Carroll Lee

I enjoy your blog postings so much, that I have linked it to my blog at http://www.thesavannahjpublications.com/ ~ Savannah J., Author

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

More Misprints in Church Bulletins

With over 4,900 pageviews to "Misprints in Church Bulletins," I have decided to publish more "Misprints in Church Bulletins." I hope you enjoy them.

 1. Announcement in the church bulletin for a National Fasting and Prayer Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals."

 2. Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

 3. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."

 4. Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.

 5. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

 6. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon for tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

 7. Next Thursday, there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

 8. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

 9. Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.

 10. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

 11. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

 12. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

 13. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

 14. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 p.m. - prayer and medication to follow.

 15. This evening at 7 p.m., there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

 16. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

 17. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

 18. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

 Reprinted from: http://www.oocities.org/mariostudies/FUNNYMISPRINTS.htm and www.klenger.net

 Until next time, keep praising HIS name!
 Sir Charles

 Soft cover and ebooks of my novels In The Black, Behind Every Dark Cloud – Second Edition and Preacher Man are available at www.iuniverse.com 
 Charles Carroll Lee 

" I enjoy your blog postings so much, that I have linked it to my blog at http://www.thesavannahjpublications.com"~ Savannah J., Author

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Your Hair Is On Fire



"Come on in," Lacey Jones greeted as she opened the door to her newly built house. Her two-story home was one of the last constructions in the brand new subdivision. "I'm glad you could come and see my new house," Lacey added.
"Me too," I stated, giving my friend a quick hug. Noticing her curly hairdo and entering the house that still smelled like fresh lumber, I added, "Your home is really, really nice."
Closing the front door behind us, Lacey said, "Thank you! Let me give you the grand tour of the house."
"Okay, I said as I followed her to the living room, patio deck, eat-in kitchen, baths, bedroom suite and finally back to the family room with brief, upbeat and complimentary conversations in each room.
After Lacey offered me a seat on the leather sofa, she asked, "Would you like a drink?"
"Is the Pope Catholic?" was my response.
Releasing a hearty laugh, Lacey stated, "I will take that as a "Yes."

When she returned with two glasses of brandy, Lacey suddenly remembered something. She gave me one and sat the other on the glass coffee table.

"Oh Charles! I forgot to show you my gas fireplace. This is a state-of-the art fireplace," as she opened the fireplace doors. Lacey stuck her curly head inside of the fireplace and turned on a button. She waited a few moments and returned her head to the open living room. "Isn't this beautiful?" Lacey asked toward the roaring flame.
"Yes it is," I replied and noticing puffs of smoke.
"I do have something to tell you."
"What?" 
I replied, "Your hair is on fire," sipping my brandy on the leather sofa.
Patting her curly hair, "What? Not again! Every time I stick my head in that darn fireplace my hair starts to smoke. It must be the curl activator I'm using."
"Really?"
"Yes. Last week, I went outdoors in that cold air and my hair started smoking again. The dog from next door started barking at me. I didn't know what was going on until I got in my car and looked at myself in the rearview mirror. My jaw dropped to my chest."

Until next week, keep praising HIS name!
Sir Charles

Soft cover and ebooks of my novels In The Black, Behind Every Dark Cloud – Second Edition and Preacher Man are available at www.iuniverse.com
Charles Carroll Lee

"I enjoy your blog postings so much, that I have linked it to my blog at http://www.thesavannahjpublications.com" ~ Savannah J., Author