Wednesday, July 9, 2014

More Misprints in Church Bulletins

With over 4,900 pageviews to "Misprints in Church Bulletins," I have decided to publish more "Misprints in Church Bulletins." I hope you enjoy them.

 1. Announcement in the church bulletin for a National Fasting and Prayer Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals."

 2. Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

 3. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."

 4. Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.

 5. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

 6. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon for tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

 7. Next Thursday, there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

 8. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

 9. Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.

 10. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

 11. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

 12. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

 13. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

 14. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 p.m. - prayer and medication to follow.

 15. This evening at 7 p.m., there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

 16. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

 17. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

 18. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

 Reprinted from: http://www.oocities.org/mariostudies/FUNNYMISPRINTS.htm and www.klenger.net

 Until next time, keep praising HIS name!
 Sir Charles

 Soft cover and ebooks of my novels In The Black, Behind Every Dark Cloud – Second Edition and Preacher Man are available at www.iuniverse.com 
 Charles Carroll Lee 

" I enjoy your blog postings so much, that I have linked it to my blog at http://www.thesavannahjpublications.com"~ Savannah J., Author

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Your Hair Is On Fire



"Come on in," Lacey Jones greeted as she opened the door to her newly built house. Her two-story home was one of the last constructions in the brand new subdivision. "I'm glad you could come and see my new house," Lacey added.
"Me too," I stated, giving my friend a quick hug. Noticing her curly hairdo and entering the house that still smelled like fresh lumber, I added, "Your home is really, really nice."
Closing the front door behind us, Lacey said, "Thank you! Let me give you the grand tour of the house."
"Okay, I said as I followed her to the living room, patio deck, eat-in kitchen, baths, bedroom suite and finally back to the family room with brief, upbeat and complimentary conversations in each room.
After Lacey offered me a seat on the leather sofa, she asked, "Would you like a drink?"
"Is the Pope Catholic?" was my response.
Releasing a hearty laugh, Lacey stated, "I will take that as a "Yes."

When she returned with two glasses of brandy, Lacey suddenly remembered something. She gave me one and sat the other on the glass coffee table.

"Oh Charles! I forgot to show you my gas fireplace. This is a state-of-the art fireplace," as she opened the fireplace doors. Lacey stuck her curly head inside of the fireplace and turned on a button. She waited a few moments and returned her head to the open living room. "Isn't this beautiful?" Lacey asked toward the roaring flame.
"Yes it is," I replied and noticing puffs of smoke.
"I do have something to tell you."
"What?" 
I replied, "Your hair is on fire," sipping my brandy on the leather sofa.
Patting her curly hair, "What? Not again! Every time I stick my head in that darn fireplace my hair starts to smoke. It must be the curl activator I'm using."
"Really?"
"Yes. Last week, I went outdoors in that cold air and my hair started smoking again. The dog from next door started barking at me. I didn't know what was going on until I got in my car and looked at myself in the rearview mirror. My jaw dropped to my chest."

Until next week, keep praising HIS name!
Sir Charles

Soft cover and ebooks of my novels In The Black, Behind Every Dark Cloud – Second Edition and Preacher Man are available at www.iuniverse.com
Charles Carroll Lee

"I enjoy your blog postings so much, that I have linked it to my blog at http://www.thesavannahjpublications.com" ~ Savannah J., Author

Thursday, June 12, 2014

We've Been Drinking Since 11 a.m.

Janice Mason stumbled into the new Mexican restaurant on the arms of her gray-haired husband,
Joseph. The husband and wife gingerly walked into the cantina and noticed the regular bar patrons sitting on their usual stools. Joseph seated Janice on the closest bar stool, took a sigh of relief and then stood next his favorite bar friends. Janice took a deep breath and greeted those around her as her eyes opened and closed with each word that she spoke.

Everyone seated at the bar ordered nachos with two dipping sauces and another round of drinks – of course. Janice ordered nachos and guacamole dip along with a round of tequila shooters for her and her friends. As she released a hiccup, Janice’s handbag fell from her lap onto the floor. After some thought, Janice slid off of the bar stool to retrieve her oversized designer handbag. However, since she could no longer stand in an upright position; Janice decided to sit on the floor – much to the bar patron’s surprise. Joe released a loud sigh and wondered when was Janice going to ask for assistance.

Moments later, Janice became excited when Rafael, the slender, dark-haired, server came to her rescue. They carried on a hushed conversation while Rafael used all of this strength to hoist Janice back onto her stool. She thanked and complimented Rafael on his exotic looks.

Janice then asked Joe, “What time is it?”
“It’s 5:45,” Joe replied.
“Oh, it can’t be! We’ve been drinking tequila since 11 a.m.,” Janice retorted.
"No, you’ve been drinking tequila since 11 a.m.” Joe countered.
“Oh, dear,” Janice mumbled as her eyes slowly opened and closed until she was was buried face down in her guacamole dip.
Joe announced, “I guess she can cancel her facial appointment in the morning.”

Until next week, keep praising HIS name!
Sir Charles

Soft cover and ebooks of my novels In The Black, Behind Every Dark Cloud – Second Edition and Preacher Man are available at http://www.iuniverse.com
Charles Carroll Lee

"I enjoy your blog postings so much, that I have linked it to my blog" at http://www.thesavannahjpublications.com/ ~ Savannah J., Author

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

My ________ Is On Fire!


washer and dryer
This past week, Juanita Greene was diagnosed with the flu. She had a fever with aches all over her body. Juanita had even lost her appetite. Her devoted daughter, Shawndra, decided to assist her by doing some house cleaning and laundry until Juanita is fully recovered.

On laundry day, Shawndra placed Juanita's underwear in the washing machine. The thirty-something daughter, turned on the washer, added a scoop of highly fragrant detergent that she had purchased especially for her mother and allowed the machine to do its work.

While waiting for her underwear to finish washing and drying, Juanita decided to eat a slice of toast and take a quick shower. Once the garments were washed and dried, Shawndra folded and placed the underwear in the drawer in Juanita's bedroom, and quickly left for a late day appointment.

Some time later, Juanita opened her underwear drawer and was overcome by the fragrance from the laundry detergent. She coughed and sneezed. Juanita then stepped into a pair of lavender panties, pajama bottoms and top. It was now time for her afternoon nap. During her slumber, Juanita felt a burning sensation deep between her legs. She lifted her panties away from her body and distinctly smelled the laundry detergent wafting from her groin.

"Auugghh! My coochie is on fire!" Juanita exclaimed within her bedroom. "That damn laundry detergent! I told Shawndra that I didn't like that detergent she brought over here!" Juanita rushed to her bathroom and began to wash off the scent with soap and water. However, the soap added to the burning sensation. In an attempt to stop the unpleasant feeling, Juanita laid naked across her queen-sized bed with a cool compress between her legs. "Ahhhhh!" Juanita murmured. "Now, I have to re-wash all of my underwear with my regular detergent. Shawndra is only going to wash my curtains from now on," Juanita stated toward the ceiling.

Until next week! Keep praising HIS name!
Sir Charles

Check out some of my photographs at www.imagesccl3.net. Soft cover and ebooks of my novels In The Black, Behind Every Dark Cloud – Second Edition and Preacher Man are available at www.xlibris.com Charles Carroll Lee

I enjoy your blog postings so much, that I have linked it to my blog at http://www.thesavannahjpublications.com/ ~ Savannah J., Author

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

A Waltz to Remember

Hello, I've decided to try www.wordpress.com as a new blog site for a couple of weeks. I just want to see if I like it better than blogger.com. My wordpress blog can be found at www.sircharles.net. While I make up my mind, I'll post blog updates and reminders on this blog site. Thank you for reading my blog postings! Peace and Blessings Always! Sir Charles www.sircharles.net

Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Where Are My Teeth?

(Please welcome guest blogger, Deborah Irene Davis.)

Several months ago, I was fitted for a pair of dentures or false teeth as my grandmother used to call them. The dentist told me that I would have to get used to and learn to eat with them in my mouth. However, that is too uncomfortable for me. When it is time for me to eat, I will slip my dentures out of my mouth and slide them into my pocket or handbag. Naturally, I forget to put them back in. Also, I have lost them on quite a few occasions. Usually, my dentures are in another handbag or in the bathroom...or even at work. It's a relief that the night cleaning staff hasn't thrown my teeth in the trash.

A few days ago, there was a news report about a man taking his girlfriend's dentures right out of her mouth. The man's opinion was that since they had broken up, and he had paid for them - he wanted them back. He claims that he only wanted to improve her smile and self-esteem. The girlfriend claims that he became too clingy after he had purchased the dentures. Well, that story was the main reason I saved and bought my own dentures. I can't imagine my boyfriend snatching my dentures right out of my head - especially after an argument.

After coming home on yesterday afternoon, I realized that I did not have my dentures with me. I took them out to eat lunch and did not put them back in. I searched my pockets, handbag and brief case - all to no avail. "Where are my teeth?" I shouted within my rancher home. Moments later my best friend called from her cell phone.
Slightly agitated, I said, "Hey!" into the phone.
Dian asked, "So, what are you doing?"
"Trying to find my damn teeth."
"Why? It's not like you keep them in your head."
Becoming more annoyed, I replied, "I know, but I don't want to keep losing them."
"Come outdoors," Dian commanded. She is always commanding me to do something.
"Why? I told you I'm busy looking for my teeth."
"Just come outdoors," Dian repeated.

Meeting Dian outdoors as she stood on my lawn, I wondered why she could not come indoors. I immediately noticed that Dian had a devious smile on her face.
I asked, "What is it?"
"So, you said that you can't find your teeth, huh?"
"Yes, that's right," I replied.
"Look down," Dian commanded once again.
"Oh, my goodness gracious alive! My teeth! My teeth! I've found them!" I shouted in the late afternoon breeze.
Dian continued, "Yes, I came by for a short visit and noticed that your lawn was smiling at me as I walked toward your front door."
Bending over to retrieve my dentures, I stated, "Thank you very much."
"No need to thank me. You may want to soak them in some Polident or something. A dog licked and peed on them as I was driving up," Dian stated.
"I have a warranty on them for accidents," I added.

Thanks Sir Charles for this opportunity.
All my best,
Deborah Irene Davis
           Check out some of  my photographs at http://www.imagesccl3.blogspot.com.

"I enjoy your blog postings so much, that I have linked it to my blog at http://www.thesavannahjpublications.com/" ~ Savannah J., Author

In The Black   ~    Preacher Man    ~    Behind Every Dark Cloud , The Second Edition
Available at www.xlibris.com, www.amazon.com, www.barnesandnoble.com - Charles Carroll Lee. Soft cover and ebook.


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Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Do You Know Who I Am?

The sun was beginning to set as I arrived at the rehabilitation center. Marshall's wife, Liz, had informed me a few days ago that Marshall had a stroke after his recent weight loss surgery, and that he was suffering from some memory loss. Marshall's physician wanted him to make a complete recovery at this rehabilitation center.

I gingerly walked toward the immaculate building and took several deep breaths as I entered the tastefully decorated facility. A young Asian male was sitting at the front desk fielding phone calls from patient relatives. After he had finished his phone calls, he immediately asked how he can be of assistance. I identified myself and asked for Marshall's room number. Once I had received the room number and directions, I proceeded down the corridor with the shiny floors. "I should've worn my sunglasses," I said aloud.

When I had reached the end of the corridor, I could see Marshall sitting in the dining room with a plate of half-eaten food resting before him. He motioned me to enter the room. Immediately sitting beside him and remembering his memory loss, I asked in a whisper, "Do you know who I am?"
"Yes, I do. I remember you VERY well, Charles."
"Oh. I thought you had lost your memory," I stated.
"My memory is slowing returning, and there's some people you can never forget - like you. The doctor said that I will be as good as new in a few days," offered Marshall.
"Cool," I replied.
Marshall continued, "I'm ready to leave this place. Whether the doctors like it or not, I'm leaving here on Friday."
"You think so?" I asked.
"Yes. If they keep me here against my wishes, it will be kidnapping."
Ignoring my buddy's last statement, I asked, "How much weight are you trying to lose?"
Marshall replied, "At least one hundred and fifty pounds."
"One hundred and fifty pounds!" I exclaimed within the semi-crowded dining facility. "Wow, I hope I will recognize you the next time I see you. It looks like that will put you down to your kindergarten weight."
Sarcastically, Marshall replied, "No, Charles. It will put me down to what I was weighing when we were in college."
"Do you remember the name of our college?" 
Releasing a loud sigh, Marshall replied, "Yes, I do. We graduated from Virginia Union University." "That's good, Marshall."

Suddenly, a woman caught my attention as she entered the dining room. Marshall asked, "Who are you watching?"
I replied, "Liz is here."
With a puzzled look on his face, Marshall stated, "Who?"
"Liz. Your wife," I replied with great concern.
Shaking his head with a look of terror, Marshall stated, "No. I've never seen her before a day in my life."
"What? You don't remember your wife?" I exclaimed once again.
"Boy! I'm just playing! I know who she is. That was payback for coming here and being nosy."

Until next week, keep praising HIS name!
Sir Charles


"I enjoy your blog postings so much, that I have linked it to my blog at http://www.thesavannahjpublications.com/ ~ Savannah J., Author
Check out http://www.imagesccl3.blogspot.com for some of my interesting photographs.

In The Black   ~    Preacher Man    ~    Behind Every Dark Cloud , The Second Edition
Available at www.xlibris.com, www.amazon.com, www.barnesandnoble.com - Charles Carroll Lee. Soft cover and ebook.